There’s a song on Casting Crown’s current CD, "The Alter and the Door", that haunts me. "Slow Fade".
In a nutshell, "Slow Fade" is about compromise and consequence. Considering the repercussions to my own poor decisions is enough to cripple me at times, but that general theme isn’t what troubles me most in these wise lyrics.
It’s the title of this post, "…families never crumble in a day…".
The line is sung just once, at the end of the song…yet in hearing those words, every time, I’m left wondering about the steps that lead up to any family falling apart. Realizing mine is just as vulnerable as any other is sobering.
My mind reels from the speed of flying time, reluctantly accepting that we’re raising our children for someone else; doing our best to shape and encourage them to become independent, well-adjusted young adults…now, while we still have the greatest influence over them. Now, while they’re still living at home.
But families never crumble in a day…
My prayers for them–if not out loud, at least in heart–take on a mask of desperation. The children often hear me pray these types of things during our morning devotion–"God reveal yourself in your word, give us understanding…draw us to know you better so we can love you more…help us love others in a way that draws them back to you…help us be more concerned about what You think than what others think…guard our hearts, our minds, our words…".
Sometimes I don’t feel like having a morning devotion with them; most days, I suppose, they’d rather skip it (they’re 10, 13 & 15). I’ve talked to them about it, asked why they think I continue to begin our day like this. Their barbed response? "So we could check it off, just so we could say we do it every day."
Ouch.
For the umpteenth time, it seems, I explained why we do this: because we begin our day with reading a devotion/Scripture and praying, it demonstrates the value we place on our relationship with God (how can we know Him if we don’t spend time with Him?), and I HOPE it orients their minds so that throughout their day as they have to make choices, they’ll choose well, honoring God in the process. Will it keep them from gossip? Will it cause them to be a friend to someone who needs one? When faced with even more adult, difficult choices, will they remember?
…but families never crumble in a day…
That explanation made sense to them. It removed any legalistic attachment, and they agreed with the rationale. They may not be begging to do this each morning, but it’s clear they anticipate it and would feel like something was missing if we didn’t. And I’m smiling as I write this, but if they have tests or sports events or a friend in need? They wanna pray about it.
Our children attend a Christian school; we attend church faithfully and serve in various ministries; we practice hospitality by having people in our home as often as possible; we pray with our kids; dozens of Christian books can be found in just about every room in our house; we have Scripture prints hanging on the walls; my husband and I try to model a working faith in our marriage and in our relationships with others; I’ve shared with them how I’ve seen God at work in my own life, particularly in recent years.
The frightening thing is there are no guarantees. None. Haven’t you witnessed kids from "good" families who make horrible choices that rock their family’s world, sometimes destroying it? Or the opposite, children from disturbingly dysfunctional families who rise above their circumstances and end up making wise decisions that position them for future success–in dating/marriage, career, their own families.
Parenting is difficult. Parenting well is even more difficult.
I was talking with a friend yesterday and she shared her heart–how she feels like she’s "losing" her children already–and they’re 10 and younger! While recognizing positives in their character, she’s seen stubborn hearts brimming with pride or deceit or a short temper, and while she gives mental assent to "kids will be kids" (and sin nature), her heart is assaulted with words like "failure" and "bad mom".
Can’t so many of us relate? We see our own flaws as moms, as wives, as friends…and as daughters of the King (I’m well acquainted with every one of mine). In light of self awareness, we find fault with ourselves for the sins of our children.
In talking with my friend, I shared my most recent "failure"–over the weekend my husband and I wanted to do something together as a family. It was the rare weekend where nothing was planned, not even kids’ ballgames. We drove to a nearby park, the kind with wide open spaces and winding trails, one that sits adjacent to a river and whispers a siren’s call, "C o m e" to anyone who has ears to hear.
Let me back up…this was Sunday. Saturday, we had spent much of the day doing our own thing, all at home, but in separate corners. Me, reading or writing or I’m sure, laundry; Tad, house or yard projects; the kids, tv or electronics. Sunday, Tad and I both must have felt the same, because when he suggested a family outing, I jumped quickly.
A nagging, three-word thought tapped me on the shoulder, one I tried to ignore, but it was persistent–"Don’t…waste…time…", and I thought about all the ways I do that very thing, all the opportunities that escape me with regard to my children, and weren’t they still toddlers just five minutes ago?
Back to the park. I tend to romanticize these moments, taking pictures while they’re throwing frisbees, enjoying the idyllic scenery and poignancy of family togetherness, drinking in the fullness of life of children at play.
We move along, exploring the trail along the river, not really sure where it goes, but that doesn’t seem to matter; in this moment, it IS about the journey.
And for some inexplicable reason, I decide to summon a thunderous raincloud right at this turn in the path. I noticed the slightest bit of…resistance (?) in my daughter’s eyes, so I asked her if she was "having fun yet", not really expecting or wanting an answer.
Instead, I got one.
"Well, this all feels kind of forced to me…"
And as the rain poured buckets on my parade I saw my failings in a flash. How in the world do you nurture unity and solidarity and FUN in a family?
Because families never crumble in a day….
thoughts to be continued…yours are certainly welcome.
Powerful writing. With all we do as parents we still have this sense of hopelessness at times; knowing the things we can’t control. You asked, “How in the world do you nurture unity and solidarity and FUN in a family?” The truth is, and I’m sure you know it, you just keep doing what you’re doing. Your intentions were good. Think of the times when you planned similarly and it “worked.” When it comes to matters of the heart, you lead, model, plan, react, etc but ultimately it is only the Holy Spirit that can change the heart. I look forward to your continued thoughts.
Very powerful (and you are right, humbling)thought…No worries about the Meme. I hadn’t seen one from you in awhile, but now I know it is because you are stashing them away. I also wanted to tag you because you were one of the reasons I started posting again. Thanks for inspiration! Your blog is always a treat to read.
It sounds like you have a very open honest relationship with your kids. It also sounds like you’re doing a great job with them.
Oh, Robin. She’s a teen. She’s learning to be herself, to talk for herself, and to push boundaries. You are doing the very best you can, I doubt my parenting skills are anywhere near yours. Remember, this truly is a phase just like teething, potty training and every other “phase” that marks out our lives. It too will pass, it will just suck while it’s passing.
“Families never crumble in a day…”
Your post sends me reeling back to my “first life.” A life with a husband, 2 beautiful daughters, 2 cars in the garage, 1 house, 2 jobs, church every Sunday… A family that crumbled regardless of how much mortar I tried to slather on all the breaks.
Your words are powerful.
Read Shepherding a Child’s Heart. It will blow you away!
Robin you blow me away in this post. Very powerful and one I need to think on. Thank you so much for writing it.
Robin, as always, so very much to ponder. I think that you are nurturing solidarity and unity and fun. And that’s all that you CAN do. You can nurture it. If there is no opportunity, which you do provide, there will be fun. You can’t force your kids to have fun but you can give the Holy Spirit some room to work in.
You are so much better than you give yourself credit for.
I must learn to proofread. “If there is no opportunity, there will be no fun”. Sorry.
I love those songs, too! Don’t fret. Have faith. Not just in God, but in your ability to parent and be the best examples that you can be. Don’t worry about the kids, either. I can remember dozens of times telling my parents that a particular outing or trip they planned was, “lame” and actually did tell them that they were trying too hard to make us get along as a family. But now, as I’m older, I realize how much those times meant to me. It’s just kid perception, that’s all.
:o) Hugs and prayers,
~Maria
http://www.jubileeonearth.com
I’ve been wanting to start a family game night but due to RePete’s age, it’s hard to find a game we will all enjoy together.
I’m sure we’ll think of something. And so will you!
Who am i? Just someone who stopped by. I enjoyed your transparency and the way you write. It’s thought provoking. Thanks for sharing.
It’s tough feeling forced to do things because we all like to choose, even if we don’t know really what we want until it’s experienced.
I had that type of childhood, strayed away a bit thru young adulthood, then here in midlife, have realized the importance of God in my life n appreciate my upbringing.
So don’t dispair, because there is always hope for future revelation.
To question is intelligent.
Often things you anticipate won’t be good for you, surprize you n are!
Keep trying!
Robin,
I was reading God Calling (by Two Listeners) last night just before going to bed.
And? For SOME reason I kept thinking about you.
Here is what I read:
“Remember that Love is the power which transforms the world. Love not only of Me, Love not only of the few dear to you, but Love of all – of the publicans – the sinners – the harlots – Love.
It is the only weapon with which sin can be driven out. Drive sin out with Love.
Drive fear and depression and despair and a sense of failure out with Praise.
Praise (praising God) is the acknowledgement of that which I have sent you. Few men would send a further gift of payment until they had received the acknowledgement of the previous one. So praise, acknowledging, as it does, that My gift and blessing, leaves the way open for Me to shower yet more on the thankful heart.
(here’s the bit that resonated with your post – to me)
Learn, as the child learns, to say “Thank you” as a courtesy, with perhaps no real sense of gratitude at all. Do this until at last a thrill of joy, of thankful awe, will accompany the spoken word.“
I guess what I’m trying to say is — while it may have occurred to your daughter to say it felt forced. She will eventually enjoy these times and have some lovely memories to look back on. Plus, it’ll teach her that perseverance pays; the efforts her parents took to spend time together as a family, even if everyone desire (selfishly) to ‘do their own thing’. (don’t we all!)
Just keep doing it. Praying in the morning (I know you will anyway). Family outings. Whatever. Just keep doing it. There will come a day they actually appreciate it;). There will be moments of fun. There will be moments it seems like a lot of effort was made to be together, only for everyone to complain. Just keep on – like we learn discipline in our walk with the Lord by praying and reading His word daily — even when we don’t want too at times.
Wow.
I don’t even know what to say because I know it’s my future. Kids are never perfect and you can’t raise them perfectly. They are flawed and so are you. So are we all. But that doesn’t mean it makes it any easier to know figure out the answers.
Giant hugs to you, my friend.
Robin
Thank you for this post. It’s intensely thought-provoking for a me (as a mother of 2 boys who are growing too fast). In the words of Kenny Chesney – Don’t Blink! God and YOU and Tad are doing a good job with your children.
Blessings….Suzanne
Completely inspired me. My son goes to public school, but both of his teachers are Christian and very dedicated. I am going to our Christian bookstore at lunch to find a devotional that is age-appropriate for us to do together in the morning.
Thank you so much. Ok, I must be pms-ing because I’m feeling all weepy now.
I don’t have anything to say.
I’m not a mother.
In fact, this is my biggest fear of being a mother.
But I know–this is what I tell myself as we pray about having kids–that God’s bigger than me, than my ideas of family, than my ideals and fears.
And at least she told you that she felt that way. That’s good.
I am not a mother yet either; however, I can speak from your daughters eyes. First of all I remember having morning devotions when I was four, maybe five, but when school started that was the end of family devotions. We were always in church and a strong foundation on Jesus Christ. We went through hell with our extended family and we only had each other. Holidays we were just us. Nothing exciting…you had a choice…enjoy or be miserable. Most of your life there are hard moments you have to choose how you want to approach and remember them. Even though they weren’t the best of times there is no place I would rather be but with my family. One on One. My Mom spend a lot of talk time with me and listening time to me. She was a great mom…just like you, Robin. Don’t force it. Let it come. In the end the winds will change again and she will come home to you when she has moved away. Remember your kids have time to grow it’s ok if they don’t get it all RIGHT NOW…but let them know two things: They are loved unconditionally and they are always welcome at home. Which if you look close it’s the greatest commandment. Love the Lord your God with all your heart soul and mind and the second is like it love your neighbor like yourself. As a parent I believe the greatest joy and calling is to be an example of Christ to them. I’ve been blessed to have parents and in-laws who do both well…I just pray I can fill the shoes that are left at my doorstep.
Failings and flaws are what make us human. I personally learn from my failings and flaws and actually welcome them ‘just’ so I CAN learn. They’re a constant reminder that no one in this world is perfect….no matter how much we try.
The line that gets you is “families never crumble in a day.” The line that YOU said that got ME was “reluctantly accepting that we’re raising our children for someone else.” That almost made me cry.
You do what you know to do. That is something my pastor preached on last week. That is what is important. I think your kids will realize this someday that you and your husband did the best that you knew how at the time. You tried. You cared. You loved unconditionally. My youngest daughter has said things in the past to me that have hurt my feelings but I have found the strength to realize that she was young and not to take it personally. That is my suggestion: don’t take it personally. Kids say things from their perspective and it might not be what they think later. Just recently my daughter who is 20 now was going through a bad time and I was thinking about her and called her after midnight. We talked and I listened. She told me this: “You know mom, I think you are my favorite person to talk to. Because you’re nice.” I said, “Thank you!”
I suspect that your efforts are appreciated on some level, not because your children attend a Christian school or because you attend church regularly or that you pray with your kids or that you have dozens of Christian books or that you have Scripture prints hanging on the walls. I suspect that you will realize success of your efforts because you and your husband model a working faith in all your relationships. Because your children are 10, 13, and 15, you may not see the results everyday, but you have planted some powerful seeds.
t.e.e.n.a.g.e.r
Hey, I think you are a success – proven by the fact that she even accompanied you on the outing.
Give yourself some grace, mama.
That was really thought provoking Robin and as usual beautifully written. I’m not a mother and some of the issues you touched on do scare me to death about coming one but I think the journey will beautiful too. It sounds like your doing a great job of steering your family along.
You are building very strong foundations for your children. They will build the rest of their lives on the things you have taught them and the experiences you have shared as a family!
Robert, Thanks for your always kind words and encouragement. You’re so right that it’s not MY job to be the Holy Spirit in my kids’ lives. LOL, sometimes, that’s easier said than done!
Alex, well, friend, I’m GLAD to see you lighting up my Bloglines again. I had no idea I had anything to do with that, and if in any way I really did, YAAAAEEEEE! 🙂
T.o.B…I hope they think it’s open!
Jenn, she really was “decent” when she said that. It was the TRUTH part of it that stung. But, lol, yeah, I know “this too shall pass”…THAT has been my kid-life mantra!
Swampy, you could probably teach me a thing or two…or three…or…
Sara, got it, started it…it would probably do me well to FINISH it! “Age of Opportunity” (by Paul David Tripp) is another good one. (Thanks!)
LW, thanks, as always, sweets :).
Sandy, thanks for your words of encougagement, too; really, I wasn’t as down on myself as this post must’ve come across; I chose a difficult place to stop, huh?
Hey friends…I’ll respond more soon…I’m blogging on the run (free Wi-Fi) and I gotta hit the next stop. Thanks for checking back!! 🙂
Beautiful, Robin. When you write this kind of stuff, it’s so powerful… And I can always relate to your words.
I think one my biggest challenges as a parent is how to stop doing the stuff of life, and just live the stuff of life. But so often this means letting go of what we think we should do — the things they’d recommend in a parenting book or refer to in research — and instead simply follow our kids.
How many times have I said “no” to my kids when they want to play a game? How many times have I said, “In a little bit” in response to my son’s request to play catch? How many times did I not get down on the floor with my younger children to play Barbies? How many times was I happy they played together so I could get work done?
I struggle with this always. It’s my efficient and busy parent-self that finds so many reasons these simple requests go unanswered. They want so little from us. Why can’t I just stop thinking long enough to just be?
It isn’t the complicated and profound opportunities that matter to our kids. It’s the small and seemingly unimportant moments that mean everything.
I wish you well on this wonderful parenting journey. You’re a great mom. Don’t be too hard on yourself.