Giving birth changes you in ways expected and in ways never imagined.
Cliches from your own childhood–words you swore to yourself you’d never say–echo for a season in the hollows of memory, eventually finding voice as they pass through your own lips and give your children reason to roll their eyes or alternately bask in their glow. “Because I said so” becomes reason enough, and “You’re growing like a weed” is painfully true.
Now that I have two teens and a tween, I’m acutely aware that my position of influence in their lives will ebb and flow over the coming years. When they were younger, they took every word we uttered as gospel; as their legs of independence gain strength, I know they’ll test or resist or challenge much of what we say, eventually (hopefully) returning to the conclusion (perhaps in their 20s?) that we knew what we were talking about after all.
Prompted by Chrysalis’s “Marriage Monday” Carnival, I’ve been thinking through this week’s topic
, “Three Things My Daughter Must Know About Her Marital Needs”. My daughter is one of those rare creatures who, at 15, has yet to give dating serious thought. I realize fully well this is an aberration that has protected us–and her–from a weight of teenage drama and angst, and for this, I am thankful.
The past six months I’ve watched her age a decade…she looks like a young woman and I realize one day in the not-too-distance future, she’ll share the name of another. These are the things I want to tell her, the things I hope…pray…she remembers when it’s “time”.
Choosing your mate is the single-most life-affecting decision you will ever make. Choose wisely.
This is a seed I’ve already planted in all of our children. They know I believe it’s more important than college, career, where they choose to live…anything! I’ve cautioned them that this decision will affect every other decision for the rest of their lives, bearing consequence not just in their own lives, but in the lives of their children, in-laws, family and friends.
I’ve already begun additional seeding–“coaching” her with regard to what to “look for” in a husband (a shared faith, mutual respect, kindness, manners-for-goodness-sakes…!). Again, I realize she’s just a freshman in high school, but my hope is to embed reasoned thinking in the recesses of her mind…so when she falls madly, passionately in love with her prince charming, she can look 15…20…30 years down the road and still want to say…choose to say…”yes” to him when his hair is thinning, his stomach is not, and he still doesn’t realize she needs the toilet seat DOWN when she “goes”.
As much as her husband will be her best friend, he can never be her girlfriend.
Women need other women…period.
There was a season in my own life I didn’t understand this; I was extremely self-reliant and almost prided myself in not “needing” anyone. That was foolish and naive. Now, I’m so thankful for the strong women in my life. The girlfriends I can just “BE” with, the women I can confide in, cry with, pray with, those with whom I can share laughter and life. We encourage each other as mothers, as wives, as friends; we don’t just tell each other what we want to hear but what we need to hear. Because they’re cloaked in a veil of love, even the difficult things are receivable. Girlfriends will challenge you to speak “love” in the way your husband best hears it.
I hope Rachel will find other older women who can mentor her; who can confirm the things I’ve taught her, but who can also explain and encourage my own relationship with her…other women who can assure her that God didn’t create men to read their bride’s minds, and it’s her responsibility to share her heart when she wants him just to know it….
Laughter is crucial.
Because marriage is a marathon, not a sprint, there will be bumps along the road. Sometimes, it might even look like leaving is the best option. That’s when I want her to understand that those times are normal and should be expected.
Laughing together is as important to me as a good physical relationship and good communication. Life is hard…demands of raising children, providing for a family, dealing with familial and friend relationships? Excruciating at times. If she and her husband can find reasons to laugh in the midst of trial and difficult circumstance, I believe they can weather life’s storms.
I’m sure I’ll think of a dozen other “three things” I want my daughter to know about her marital needs as soon as I hit “publish”…some of those thoughts are already swirling.
I’d love to know your thoughts, too…what would you (have you) advised your own daughters? What was helpful advice given to you? Did you listen?
I enjoyed my visit and this is a lovely post.
What fabulous advice.
Perhaps we could all suggest one for her.
Mine would be “Don’t sweat the small stuff”. In other words, if it’s not that big a deal it is ok to back down and/or compromise. Save the disagreements for the important things. (And disagreements can be a level headed conversation, not necessarily an argument!)
That’s terrific! Your daughter is very lucky to have you. And as a soon-to-be-wed myself I’m always appreciative of good marital advice.
You are giving your daughter some very sound advice. You are a great mom. Having been divorced, sadly I have not been a great role model to my girls!
Having lived next door to my in-laws for the last fourteen years, I want my 15 year old daughter (who IS boy crazy)to know that when you marry someone, you marry his family, too. Whether you like them or not and no matter how close or far away they live from you, they are a big factor in your everyday married life.
Those are great points! especially about girls needing other girls… I didn’t know that for a long time either!
Great advice, Robin! I did my best with mine, not actually having a daughter.
Well, I never got advice, and havn’t thought this far with my daughter (she’s 8) but I’ll be borrowing these, thanks!
What a lucky girl to have a mother like you. That is great advice that I think every girl should get.
The best advice my mom gave me (both through example and words)–keep Christ at the center and let Christ love Chris through me.
And patience. Be patient. He’s not perfect and neither am I.
I like that you stress the importance of the decision. Too many enter in flippantly I think.
Donetta and AmyDeanne, thanks.
TOB, I liked your idea and went back and revised the last paragraph of this post–thanks! (I’ve often subscribed to the “…and it’s all small stuff” theory…:) ).
THB, OOooo, I hope you listen and LEARN from the advice of others! Blessings to you!
Oh…Chris…it’s clear you’ve modeled MANY great things for them!
Hulagirl, now THAT’S true, too. I hope this means things are “good” on your end!
Jana, I want my boys to know this stuff, too, so yours was dead on :).
Lisa, it’s never too early to begin planting seeds! I don’t think I got much advice, either…but gosh, I want my kids to learn from my experiences, ya know?
Kathryn…thank you :).
Heather, you snuck in while I was writing that…
For us, the “Christ at the center” is understood; it’s so ingrained in my kids, just from how we live, it goes without saying. How wonderful your mom modeled that for you! And, yeah, sometimes, I don’t have it in me to love…I’m not proud of that, but it’s the truth… Christ in me can do things I just can’t do on my own. I can’t imagine marriage apart from the binding glue of God’s truth :).
Wonderful advice… and very well-written too! Considering your own “mother loss,” give yourself a pat yourself on the back for plowing through without a strong Christian example to follow. I know Rachel will find a good man, and she’ll stick with him, thanks to your wisdom.
Girlfriends and laughter… absolutely crucial for those times when life becomes “excrutiating.” I grateful for both. (Feeling the need for a good joke coming on…)
Thanks for participating in Marriage Monday this month, Robin. Your contribution is much appreciated.
{{{Big Hugs}}} e-Mom
here, here (hear, hear?)!
either way, this is spot on. thank you for sharing your thoughts. as one who had to wait for the “third time’s a charm” thing, i appreciate seeing this spelled out.
That is wonderful advice and I couldn’t agree more!!
Great advice. I think it is important to tell our daughters this stuff – but also our sons. They need to find the right woman too!!!
She will hear you. She may still make a few mistakes…but your words will stay with her.
E-mom, it was fun to write, but gosh, isn’t it difficult to limit it to three things? Thanks for a worthwhile carnival which has potential for so much positive impact :).
Janet, I wondered how people would take this who had been married more than once…does it sound offensive, ya know? Thanks for your comments here :).
Karmyn, I know! Everything I’ve said here, I want to share w/my boys, too.
Min, I h o p e so…she does seem to listen, but she’s a kid…kids make mistakes…gee, we ALL do :/… So, the hope is that we LEARN from that junk.
I agree with Karmyn- the boys need to make sure they choose well, also. My 15 yo also has yet to enter the dating world and I am eternally grateful for that. I think your suggestions are all wonderful- especially the part about thinking of leaving being normal, I think too many people just don’t stick around long enough these days to see that leaving is unneccessary.
You’re doing a great job!
My advice is to listen to your friends and relatives when they tell you that your mate is a good choice or bad choice.
Jenn, if people would just work through it rather than giving up, you know? I’m afraid many people walk away when there’s something wonderful to save :(.
Kila, that’s one of the thoughts that crossed my mind, too…it just came to mind AFTER I had finished this post (so very true, indeed!).
I especially love this “As much as her husband will be her best friend, he can never be her girlfriend.” Such words of wisdom! I said something like that in my blog, but I like your good choice of words.
Laughter is good medicine. So true.
Oh Robin – another beautiful post. I’m teaching and praying for the same things with my daughter (she’s turning 16 at the end of this month).
Great advice. It’s bittersweet to think of my having to share such advice with my three little girls, but I know that day will be here soon enough.
Oh, that second one! Yes, yes, yes.
My advice for my daughter? Have secret money in case you need to run away. That sounds awful but I think it’s imporant that every woman know that they are not trapped and that every day they are in their marriage is a day that the CHOOSE to be there. It helps you to commit in a really odd way.