Yesterday I was treated to a procedure for which I didn’t think I’d have the pleasure til AT LEAST 50. Interestingly, the majority of people in my sphere–real life and make believe–have already had the procedure, and what they say is true:
The Day Of is a walk in the park compared to The Day Before.
I’m pretty sure The Day Of would’ve been Dante’s tenth circle of hell if he could’ve counted that high.
Let’s recount The Day Before:
- If you’re a coffee drinker who REQUIRES cream (<–me), you’re out of luck.
- Mountain Dew does NOT "do" for me what coffee & cream does; it has neither the warmth, aroma or narcotic effect. I don’t think I reached "human" status all day.
- Canned chicken broth? By itself?? Not so good.
- You CAN eat Jello, which I like.
- I was deeply distraught when I realized ALL THE JELLO FLAVORS I LIKE (Strawberry, Black Cherry, Cherry, Peach, Orange) have red dye. Red dye is a no-no the day before your procedure.
- Headache commences mid-morning and will not end until after your procedure. Stress? Hunger? Caffeine deprivation? Does it really matter why?
- Actually, the headache was probably prompted from the bizarro traffic snarl which held me captive TWO FREAKIN’ HOURS after school drop-off. I seriously praised God for not already taking the "stuff" that was supposed to get "things started". Oh, dear…just the thought of THAT is enough to unravel me!
- When husband gets home from work, keeps offering to get me "something" that will make me feel better. "A cheeseburger? Fries? Ice Cream?"
- First time I recall ever losing my sense of humor. Now that, my friends, is a dark day.
- At 5:00 begin drinking the agent that will soon catapult digestive track into global anatomical war on a personal level (does that even make sense??).
- First 16 ounces, you think "I can do this…it’s not so bad."
- Somewhere between 24-32 ounces, you wonder "When is it gonna hit?".
- It hits.
- Then, it pummels.
- It’s daggum relentless.
- The last 16 ounces were the most difficult to swallow. By that point, I was green. And tired. And defeated. And felt like the Kool-aid guy with enough liquid sloshin’ around inside to fill Hoover Dam…but the dam’s getting ready to burst.
- There’s a sense of victory…of accomplishment when I finished. Perhaps scaling Mt. Vesuvius? Or is that imitating Mt. Vesuvius?
- Sleep is pretty good; it made me forget both hunger and the procedure.
The Day Of
- Remarkably, not as hungry or irritable as the evening before. Still want to smack my hubby when he offers to get me a Hardee’s biscuit.
- Considered snorting coffee or learning to drink it black before ultimately pouring it down the drain.
- Then I cried.
- Finally get checked into the med center and called back for my turn.
- Sweetest prep nurse EVAH, instantly put me at ease, which is saying a lot when you know THEY’RE GOING TO BE "ADVANCING" A GARDEN HOSE WHERE REALLYTRULY, THE SUN DON’T SHINE!
- It was slightly disturbing that I thought of Jack Nicholson in "Something’s Gotta Give" when I put on my hospital gown. The upside? S u r e l y I pulled off the look better than him.
- And then they wheeled me into the procedure room, where Dr. M, nurses Marilyn and Jennifer…and OH-MY-WORD a made-for-TV anesthesiologist were waiting on me! OF COURSE, he was the first to speak, and he said "Hi, I’m
McDreamyMcSteamyJason, I’ll be taking care of you…" and I wanted to crawl under the hospital bed. He was much too young and much too perky–and too in perfect keeping with Gray’s Anatomy–to be taking care of ME! - Jennifer said, "Wow, is your blood pressure always low?" and I said, "Yes"; when Jason commented (to her), "It doesn’t go lower than that," I asked, "Are y’all still talkin’ about my blood pressure?" and they said yes, and I asked how low it was, and when they said "90/38" I was certain it was because I was about to die from embarrassment. Jason fixed me up with a shot of fluids…what a thoughtful guy.
- About this time, Marilyn popped a bite guard in my mouth, Jennifer asked me to roll to my side and I wondered when things would get started.
- Right after that, Nikki (who’s Nikki?) asked me if I was ready to wake up (I wasn’t) and what did I want to drink?
Then, bless her heart, she brought me a Coke with pellet ice (I love that stuff) and I slurped THE SWEETEST DRINK KNOWN TO MAN! Then I asked for a refill (I’m still trying to decide if Nikki was a waitress or a nurse).
They brought Tad back, reviewed my results with me (Dr. M had already brought Tad up to speed), and as it turns out, they didn’t find anything "of concern". Which is good, but I’m still workin’ on that anemia thing….
If you’re STILL reading (sorry…when I write this much stuff it’s so I can remember details a year from now, or say, next week), I can’t let opportunity pass without THANKING THOSE OF YOU who’ve commented to my recent posts or sent ecards/email. Your concern, encouragement, kindness, and mostly prayers gave me a sense of peace throughout the ordeal. I know you’ll forgive me for not responding to every thought–I’ve been slightly occupied :). For a words of encouragement girl, though, I couldn’t appreciate you more…thank you.
You have such a lovely way of speaking of the poo. 🙂 I shall remember this post forever – I’m doing a cleanse and have been trying to figure out how to be “genteel” about posting on the results – you’re ever so helpful. 😉
But seriously…glad the Docs found nothing of interest – that’s one time it pays to be boring, huh?! 🙂
luv ya,
Karen
i am on the waiting list for one of these at my hmo.
to say i’m not looking forward to it? would be a massive understatment.
glad it turned out ok in the end (heh heh heh… in the end… heh heh heh)
Kudos to you for getting through the prep and procedure AND blogging about it. I had it done in April and I couldn’t bring myself to blog about it.
You poor thing! :^( Not fun. And I know from experience… and I had it when I was 23… definitely not something I was planning… neither was the solution to the problem that mandated the test, let me tell you. Ugh!! Bad memories… Must go get tiny brillo pad to scrub out memory synapses.
Do they make Jello flavors without red dye?
And let me get this straight…you could have coffee, just not the cream, so you didn’t! What?
You’re very brave. And the anesthesiologist thing is just cruel and unusual. They shouldn’t allow it.
I lift my glass to you and say, “bottom’s up!’
You do have a way with words… Even under stress! What a gift!
I’ll have a cup of chicken broth in your honor this evening…not really. Maybe a glass of liquid jello…not really…maybe a glass of red wine…now I’m talkin’
THE END
Yippee! Nothing of concern are the sweetest words you could ever hear!
Did you dream about the anesthesiologist when you went to happy land? Now that could be interesting!
I am so glad that it went well, and that there is nothing going on. That is huge relief I am sure.
McDreamy…really. Yum
It all sounds very unpleasant, but the good results make up for it, don’t they? My mother said she had a gorgeous proctologist once (and was totally embarrassed, too). 🙂
That was pretty much my experience too! Practically word for word, except my McDreamy was the Gastro instead of the Anesthesiologist! I’m so glad they didn’t find anything significant.
But ya know girl if this procedure ended up saving your life, then the hell day before would be worth it. But this leads me to the next question, then what the heck is going on? What is plan B?
Oh you crack me up!
I am so glad they didn’t find anything of concern. That is great news… and you hopefully got the worst of the procedures out of the way!
Glad it all turned out okay. Hubs had one of those a few years back and it was so much worse. I’m happy that you didn’t have to go through what he did. Praise God! 😀
Oh boy – glad it’s over, and with good results. Don’t think I look forward to the Vesuvius thing whenever it becomes my turn.
Hang in there – great post, by the way.
Having endured the ultimate ‘home invasion’ myself last year, I found the best way to deal with the roto-rooter drink is right in line with slamming tequila. Chug it down then bite a lime. Kills the dawn detergent taste really well.
Glad there was no cause for alarm.
Phil
I’ve had one almost every year since I was 28 which was (GASP!) 20 years ago, and yeah, the best part is the anesthesia and getting it over with. For another year. And the peace of mind.
Oh, I know, I know…I am suppose to go in as well. I guess it will make a humorous blog post, especially if I have McDreamy or Jason.
Oh my gosh, that was hysterical.
thanks for bringing a little joy to my day!
Karen, hehe, I assure you, it’s a challenge to be diplomatic in a post like this. The crude side of me kept SCREAMING for blogtime, but I kept stuffing her back inside. A “cleanse”, lol, what a funny way to put it, no?
Janet, yeah, yeah, I keep sayin’ things like that, too. Let me know when you’re scheduled and I’ll be sure to cheer you from the sidelines!
Beckie, I debated but decided if I could remove the fear or mystery for anyone? It would be a good public service. A very PUBLIC service, lol.
Nancypants, SOWRY! 23 is MUCH too young to have to endure it!!!
Heather, yes–at least lime :). I can’t drink coffee black…even if it means my body punishes me with a raging headache :/.
Lora Lynn, since the American Society of Anesthesiologists was reading me this week, I’ll send ’em a note ;).
Natalie, **giggles & blushes**
Thanks, Sissy!!! 😀
Swampy, cheers! 🙂
Lisa, tell me about it!
iPost, absolutely DEAD sleep…no dreams, no passage of time. I’d pay good money to have that every night.
Kellyn, except I had to meet him under less than favorable conditions :/…
Dawn, I’m just glad it’s in my PAST!
Catnip, yikes! He got even MORE up close and personal!!!!
Laurel, we’re thinkin’ hormone imbalance…that’s confirmed. Which may explain a lot…a WHOLE lot!
Kristen, you making wiseCRACKS, too? I thought you were sweeter than THAT! 😉
Oh, Dianne…I’m sorry…so thankful y’all are on “this” side of “that” :/.
Kelly, IF you ever have to do it (and you should eventually) let me know. I’ll cheer you on and tell ya the skinny I left out here ;).
Phil, hehe, I DID do HalfLytly shots. But, dang it–1,000 of ’em? I didn’t think to suck a lime after the fact! (I’m assuming yours was of no concern, too?)
Antique Mommy, EVERY YEAR? Please…tell me…what can I do for YOU???
Jen, I dare you to take picchas. Double-dog dare ya!
Missy, 🙂 my pleasure!! 🙂
I have to laugh. I’m “glad everything came out ok”. LOL
I had a catheter procedure last night at 4am and it wasn’t very fun… and quite a few of the same ironic incidents happened in my case as well. Hospitals and doctors are interesting, aren’t they? And they seem to keep getting YOUNGER every year.
Hey- good for you and glad it all turned out great.
You know due to my colitis, I have to have one of these every 10years of my life. The worst part – drinking that junk and having to be hungry.
What does it say about me that I’d rather comment on THIS post than the snakes? LOL
I’m glad all went well and you made it through un-traumatized. I dread that proceedure!
what? No pictures?
wow, this brought back memories. not good ones. See though? The procedure itself was a piece of cake!
I am so glad I found this site. I will be having my (cleansing) tomorrow. Can’t wait, (not). Everything, you described, from the coffee, broth, was right on. I have not taken the prep liquid yet. Not looking forward to this. Glad, everything went well.
For what it’s worth, I had to have this same FUN procedure in Nov. ’07, at the age of 33, due to some unusual bleeding I was having. I also blogged about my experience, because – like you AND Katie Couric – I think awareness and prevention are key! 😉
Anyway, everything checked out okay for me, too, thank god. Just a few pesky internal hemorrhoids I never knew I had. (Let the party begin.) They still act up every now and again, but at least I know that everything else looked good.
Good for you for making the choice to get your issues checked out and putting yourself through a little discomfort to get a WHOLE LOTTA peace of mind! 🙂