Alternate titles:

  • I’m just like Katie Couric (minus the $15,000,000 paycheck and mad journalism skills)
  • I might as well swallow a garden hose and camera, save some cash and be done with it.
  • Mountain Dew is NOT the same thing as coffee with cream in the morning.
  • In one end and out the other
  • I almost cried when I smelled Arby’s curly fries
  • Oh!  Sh*t!!
  • Will someone PLEASE tell me what exploding fingers have to do with a doctor advancing a colonoscope through my large intestine?!

As part of the diagnostic testing to determine what was going on with me health wise a while back, my doctor had me take a Hemoccult test.  In spite of protesting due to the grossisity factor, I took the test…and failed. As a result, my comedian-wannabe doctor referred me to a G.I. specialist, who in turn will get to know me rillyrilly well–inside and out–in the morning.  He’ll be treating me to two procedures before lunch time:  endoscopy and colonoscopy.

I can hardly wait.  Seriously–this thing has been hanging over my head all summer and I’m ready to get it over with! 

THalflytely_2oday?  Today is known as "prep day".  Anyone who has had one of these procedures is feeling my pain right now.  Even as I type, I’m mid-way through a 64-ounce lemon-lime cocktail that is soon to be waging war against my intestinal tract.  I’m afraid this battle’s already won; I’ve been on a clear liquid diet all day and for the first time ever, dog food looked appetizing to me.  Aussie actually guarded her bowl with a paw when I fed her tonight.

I don’t think I’m gonna like lemon-lime anything after today…all I’ve had to eat/drink is pictured above.  It did occur to me a few minutes ago tea was on the menu.


Perhaps I was just a wee bit discombobulated from waking up at 5:00 this morning, drifting back to sleep only to be awakened by a barking dog…then…getting stuck in a two-hour traffic jam before 10:00.  I tell ya, the nerves are frayed, people, the nerves are flat frizzled.

I thought about video blogging the whole thing tomorrow but apparently they don’t allow cameras, just drugs.  Thank the Lord for happy-go-night-night drugs!  That’s small recompense for Prep Day (I won’t remember a thing!).

Interestingly, EVERY person whose path I cross lately has had one of these things.  They all say the same thing:  the day before is the worst part (I’ll let you know if they’re telling the truth).  If what I’ve heard is true, for me, the worst part might be right after the procedure when your body is "blowing off steam"–passing gas WITH PEOPLE AROUND????  Good googliemooglie, I don’t even do THAT in private!! 

Swampwitch wrote a hilarious post about her experience (she DID take pictures!). 
A colonoscopy detected Lisa’s cancer at age 38 and probably saved her life.
Laurie insists it’s a piece of cake a breeze.

If you’re putting off having a colonoscopy (or endocscopy)– especially if you’re 50 or older–DON’T WAIT!  I’m the world’s biggest chicken, so if I can do it, anyone can.

It’d be such a shame to die from embarrassment instead…!

p.s.  Can anyone name the title reference?

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