Last night I went to bed early and fell asleep quickly, I just couldn't stay asleep. As insomnia rattled my sleep-hungry brain, an urgent, pervasive thought drove me to desperate prayer:
I care about you.
It didn't make sense. When my house was still, when even the things that go bump in the night fell asleep, I awakened with this thought of "you".
I was concerned about your salvation; from 1:00-4:00 in the morning, I was thinking about–praying for–you.
Isn't that insane? I don't even know who "you" is, but I wanted to have a real conversation with you about faith, about the life and death and resurrection of Christ, and forgiveness and grace and redemption.
Forgiveness…and grace…and redemption.
I wanted to love you without condition and to show you that Christianity is nothing about rules and restrictions but about liberty and freedom. I wanted to give you margin to doubt and the room to wrestle with and be angry about the Very Real Life Circumstances that don't make sense and give you reason to question God; I was desperate for you to be able to see life from His perspective, to believe that God knows and loves you in the midst of your frustrations and suffering as well as in your victories and joys.
I wanted you to think about eternity, maybe for you even to be uncomfortable about all of this…because to me that's a sign that God is drawing you…wooing you…revealing Himself to you.
I don't have these conversations often enough. I'm a coward. I worry too much about making you uncomfortable, but the insidious truth is it would make me even more uncomfortable.
Which is also insane if I truly believe what I profess.
Anyways…
For almost three hours I thought about you. I prayed for you. I battled my own demons.
And I cared about you; it mattered to me whether or not you've found the Way. The truth. The life.
It's not by chance you're reading this…I'm convinced it's either because you need to know there's some Jesus Freak in Tennessee praying for you when she'd rather be sleeping, or because you need a kick in the tail to tell someone else you care about them and why.
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I soooo never write posts like this, it feels strange to click "publish" right now. But actually, that tells me one of two things. Either a) sleep deprivation makes me some whiz bang evangelist, or b) it's a God thang.
I'm going with "b".
xo
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Postscript ~ This morning, following a sleep-filled night, I thought about this post written just before going to bed. I think it was in response to one of two things (maybe both?): the heart-wrenching story of Maddie and/or my upcoming trip to Kolkata, India. As our departure date races toward me, I find myself teetering between eagerness and anxiety….
Photo credit: dno1967 on Flickr
Always a God thang. 😉 We know that.
You have nailed it…publish away is a God thing. 🙂
Outstanding!! Sleepless hours well-spent!
I hope your ‘you’ feels goosebumps and tears of joy knowing that God cared enough to wake a total stranger to get them a message. I’ll pray that they click over and read the message. I’ll also say a prayer of thanks to God that your heart is open and your ears are open to hear his whisper in the night.
Thank you for thinking of me. I’ve had a hard time lately. Thankfully, my faith is what keeps me going.
You are certainly not a coward.
It maybe that “You” is unnamed because it referes to not one but many – to any ready to hear your message.
I’m not big on religion. I like to believe their is a God and when I think of him he is a Christian God. I get angry at him when things to wrong and to even the balance I make sure I thank him when things go right. It is not so much peoples faith in God that worries me as faith in their fellow man that does. Humans are losing faith in their fellow man, expecting the worse and sadly receiving the worst in most cases.
If more people felt these feeling that your insomnia drew against all their fellow man then the future may truly stand a chance. We should start to install respect for our fellow man and their possessions and with these simple rules the future could be bright.
It may be that I was one of those “You”‘s and so I thank you for thinking of me.
Mirth
xx
Amen!
😉
I saw the whole devil on one shoulder, angel on the other and really was
nervous? self conscious? aware? to publish (which infuriates me!!) :).
The noise in my head was deafening; it was almost laughable how hard I
fought it (for a while) :).
“…open to hear his whisper…”
How much do I love THAT thought??! 🙂
When I’ve walked those dark places…after I’m done wrestling with and
rebelling against them, I’m always thankful to see God in the midst (it
sounds like you do, too); it’s blessing to know I was praying for you :).
Thank you for sharing your thoughts here, so openly and vulnerably; you’ve
given me precious reason to continue praying for you! How cool is that?
It’s a blessing to me that you’d allow me to challenge your thought…to
encourage you…to point you in the direction of truth :). Truly…thank
you!
Great post, Robin. When I’m woken in the middle of the night (which is rare) I always know it’s to pray. And so I do. I’m glad you did.
Wow.
I’m thinking (and MY goosebumps outrank, I’m sure, LOL) this might have been meant for me.
I know, I know, you get like a bajillion emails and I’m thinking at least a couple of other people have said the very same thing but it is THE STRANGEST THING (still shaking my head).
The thing is (and I’ll try the Cliff Notes here), these past two years have been something of a ‘discovery’ period for me and some of what I was looking for was faith. Which is in direct contrast to my upbringing, which had zero religious influence whatsoever. Nada. Zip.
So…two years. Mulling over everything you mentioned and more. Going back and forth, back and forth. Frustrated because darn it, faith with no grounding is HARD. Imagine someone came up to you and told you, “Um, sorry, we were wrong, the Earth is actually square.” Your brain screams no but ‘something else’ says (at first) ‘maybe’. Just maybe.
There was no big moment. No accident, no major illness. No crisis averted by a miracle. No past life of drugs. Just ‘something’. Over and over and over and over. Whisper? Darn right. Some people get the Godly Shove. I got the Godly Whisper. Just a tickle (incidentally, had I got The Shove, I would have put my tail between my legs and run as far from Him as I could – as it was/is, I struggle) What you said about wooing and drawing in? Oh, that is SO how it is. It’s really difficult to articulate this to people who have had faith in their lives since childhood, but it is the hardest thing in the world to take everything you have EVER known or believed, and switch it out for something that your brain (and everyone else) is telling you is ludicrous. Half the time you doubt and the other half of the time you have no idea what’s going on. I have just one Christian acquaintance and I’m still uncomfortable going too deeply into faith conversations. It’s still – I don’t know – new. Raw.
God and I have had a few key conversations in the past couple of years. I asked Him about my son, who is autistic. I had this conversation well before I truly entertained the thought that He might be real. I’d heard all the cliched statements – “God never gives you more than you can handle” and “God had you in mind when he needed a parent for this child” – and it made me angry, furious actually. And then I started listening to podcasts and one lovely American pastor with a radio program took the time to share some of his life and thoughts with me and the bottom line is this: He just might be on to something. My son is now a big part of the reason I find myself on this path. I have to believe there will be ‘no more pain, no more tears, no more mourning’. Have to.
And then last Sunday (Easter) I walked into a church for the first time (other than the three or four funerals I’d been to). I was scared and felt weird. I knew none of the songs, none of the people. I wasn’t instantly calm. I spent the twenty minutes before the service started trying to work out ways to slip out the back without the lovely older ladies stationed at the door noticing.
But I was THERE. And that’s huge for me.
You hear these salvation stories, lives changed because of God. They all seem to have a lightbulb moment, a ‘stop on a dime’ situation. There’s was no switch for me. There are major repercussions for me with this faith thing. My husband. Getting to church. My family. My education. Lots of things.
And then I load up my Google Reader tonight and THIS post is there. And I’m floored. Absolutely gob-smacked (or is that God-smacked?). Thankyou.
Maybe there’s something in this faith thing after all…
Good job with this one, Robin. You’re a good evangelist & this reminds us as Christians, that’s what we are supposed to do. I don’t do it enough myself.
Perfect as usual, Robin. I’m sorry about no sleep, but your words-and obedience! are to be praised!
Me, too, Shelly…me, too! 🙂 (feel free to pray for me if you wake up
during the night, ESPECIALLY over the next two weeks!!)
Rhoda, I hear you…I do (can’t you tell??). But, when I think about it,
**if** I really REALLY believe these things I say I do, I should naturally
be concerned about others all the dang time! IT SHOULD ALWAYS MATTER, not
just from 1-4 in the morning some random night. Let’s pray for one another
to continue in boldness…(great, now I’m getting cold feet to hit publish
on this comment! ha!). 🙂
I’m smiling ’cause I’m thinking…it was so not about me, but I sure am
thankful I was obedient. Which begs the question–how come I’m not all the
time??? 🙂
W o w.
W O W back at you, Lizzie!
I have to confess this: my husband called me before I read your comment and
said, “I just read your post and Lizzie’s comment, and I have to tell you,
that’s amazing!” and I’m like, “What’s amazing??” and he said YOUR COMMENT
WAS! So much so, he printed it out, to which I said, “Wow…that makes me
wanna cry…” to which HE said, “It almost made ME cry.”
You need to know this: my husband has shed about seven tears in his life.
Your response … is both breaking and exploding my heart in all the best
senses of that thought (which really makes no sense at all).
Oh, how I wish we could share a cup of coffee or tea or whatever and just
talk. Some about faith…some about your some…some about our lives and
disappointments and FAILINGS.
I HAVE grown up around the “church” my entire life…but it was not until I
was an adult that my heart was changed to love freely…to see others
(Christian or not, maybe especially those who aren’t) as made in the image
of God JUST LIKE ME…others as objects of God’s love…as those whom He
called and knew before the foundation of the world and cares about…AND
DIED FOR. He sacrificed HIS SON to make provision for me…for you.
I think it’s such a disservice to those questioning their faith to “impose”
an “instant” conversion; what I mean is, yes, there’s a point when you pass
from spiritual death to life, BUT…our salvation isn’t a one-time
deal…it’s a past, present and future action (we can talk about that later,
too).
PLEASE let’s stay in touch. You’re encouraging ME in my faith through your
story! I can’t even spit out coherent thought right now I am so stinkin’
blessed by your words!!!
Thank you for deeming me worthy to hear! Thank you for taking the time to
explain your background. Thank you for confirming again that I was
“supposed” to write this…that the Spirit’s leading for me to pray wasn’t
just a sleep-deprived mind running wild.
I’m SO EXCITED TO CONTINUE PRAYING FOR YOU and these sweet others who have
shared their hearts…that my faith has had a shot of Vitamin D or sunshine
or both!!
Ok….I’ll hush for now. But not for long :).
Lizzie–That totally made me cry.
I have groceries in the van…I saw this and I couldn’t not read it. Wow. That is amazing. He never ceases to amaze me. I love that God is working through you. Uncomfortable or not. It’s wonderful. And I believe.
Robin, I loved that! Like Tad, it almost made me cry as well and I’ve only cried a few more tears in my life than him 😉
I’m praying for Lizzie during this exciting time. Sounds like God is moving in her heart. I pray that she remains “open-minded/hearted”. IMHO, the folks around her are not very open-minded, but I bet they’re the first ones to stand up and profess to be. Kinda makes me sick!
Wow.
Love.
I recently had a friend from high school ask me about my faith and if I’d always had it.
The part of the conversation I remember best from him was “I feel like there is someone telling me to come in from the cold”.
I’m so excited for you, Lizzie.
Oh Lizzie 🙂 God hardly knocks any of us upside the head to get our attention. That you are even listening is a great start.
I’ll be praying for you to get the answers you need (not necessarily all the ones you are looking for, but the ones you need to make a choice).
Robin, you are absolutely beautiful — inside and out. I love that you published this and I’m praying for you too and your trip. I wish we lived near each other to hang out all the time.
Woah. Just…woah.
When I replied last night I was already sleep-deprived and as I said to Robin later, I pretty much just offloaded. I was worried I sounded confused or um, a wee bit verbose, LOL.
(I must admit, I came back here this morning after seeing Robin’s lovely tweet and wondered why no-one else had commented after me…then I saw the ‘show more comments’ link – duh – about ten minutes ago so I’ve caught up).
You guys are just lovely. Little ol’ me inspired someone to PRINT out my comment? Score! LOL.
As I said, it’s incredibly hard. All those salvation stories miss out on a very key thing for me – the obstacles. The whole unequally yoked thing (husband doing the best he can, but I guess it’s in the same realm for him as a declaration of his veganism would be for me – he’s such a confirmed meat-eater it would be kind of like ‘Um, okay, but WHY ON EARTH?’.
Church on Sunday didn’t feel remotely natural (do I tithe or not tithe? Why am I greeting people twenty deep in the crowd?) but I was THERE.
Robin, I’m excited for your trip. As I’ve read blogs these past couple of years and noticed all the Compassion trips, it would be something I’d love to be involved in but alas – unless Compassion is planning a trip to minister to Antartic penguins or something (and can therefore stop off and pick me up here in Australia, LOL), I think I’m about out of luck!
Hey girl. Loved this post. Looking forward to meeting in Chicago!
Got to love the “God thangs.” Amazing post and great courage.
Praying for you too, sweets! Love you. :~D
Jesus is an insomniac blogger after all! I love you. Dawn
thank you
I resemble that remark…in a couple of places ;). God blows my mind when I
least see it coming. Man, I love that!!
Hey Charles! DO pray for Lizzie, and I know when you t h i n k about it,
you’ll be praying for those around her, too :). It IS so cool when you can
SEE God moving, isn’t it???
Thanks, Mrs. Worthingwire.com 😉 (back atacha) 🙂
Wow, Karla…that gave me shivers…what a way of thinking about it. Those
conversations with those you’ve known forever are cool, aren’t they? Makes
me miss my HS peeps….
Lisa, you don’t know it but I think about you all the dang time! s i g
h…just don’t pick up the phone very often :/. Thank you for your prayers,
encouragement (to me AND Lizzie!). I wish we lived closer, too. THAT would
be great :).
Here’s my post in honor of your trip (with a belated picture from our lunch together!)
Have an awesome time!!
http://www.genesismoments.com/awritersjourney/2009/04/go-robin.html
Tonight, I’m praying for you, Robin.
God’s using you for tremendous things in His kingdom…
Keep pressing into it.
All’s grace,
Ann
I’ll bring my iron over and iron the wrinkles out of that sheet for you…sorry, I know this was a serious post, but if you’ll check the time, you’ll understand why I’m delirious and not serious.
You my dear are what god had in mind when he created Christians! If only they were all like you the world might be a nicer place! God bless you! And I MISS your weekly poetry! You so inspired me to write! Hugs xxxx
Read this post last night and forgot to comment. Thinking about you and praying for you right now. You are on a precipice my friend.
I stopped by ASPTL…God is so awesome! Isn’t it great to be used by Him to touch another person that He loves so deeply?
Great post and the comments are even more riveting!
Blessings!
Psalm 68:19
i do that too! often remember my unsaved bloggy friends in prayer. blogging really opens up the world and makes you aware of the people who need Jesus. great post.
I agree with the earlier comment that maybe the message is intended for one, not many. I know it hit home for me and really made me long to believe my Father’s love for me rather then struggle to believe. I am going through a stripping of my “identity” for the third time in my life..the first not in my control, the second a consequence of horrifying sin on my part, and the third I simply do not understand, as I thought I was where and who God wanted me to be.
It’s obvious He wants me somewhere else and to grow more…and totally one of those Red Sea moments where I know He is moving in big ways, but it scares me and I just don’t get the why and what I am supposed to be doing going forward.
Thank you for your sweet encouraging words that are reminding me to trust.
Blessings,
Lindsey
I typed my first sentence backward, sorry. I meant that it is meant for many, not one :-). Sorry, it is early!
From the book Unmistakeable touch of Grace, Cheryl tells us that that little voice in our head is the Voice of God, or divine intervention, or the Universe…depending on your faith. I believe it…I think we put messages out into the Universe, and answers come back…At night we are at our most peaceful and open state…this is obviously a message you needed to hear, and tell…and I too, having never been here before, needed to hear it too. Thank you for sharing…
It’s been a long time, Robin! Why do I always lose track of your blog when it blesses me each time I read it? Well, now I know how to add you to my blog reader thingy, so I’m doing that now. I popped over from Ree’s blog. I just knew which Robin she must be talking about from the beginning.
Thank you so much for sharing your CI trip with us. So many amazing stories! The photos are fantastic, too. Some of them are worthy of National Geographic. (Or something like that–I know that’s not your purpose.)
This post was beautiful, too. I’ve sat here for the last half hour with tears streaming down my face. It wasn’t a bad way to start the morning, though, and they weren’t all tears of sorrow. There are horrible realities for so many people in this world, but what you’ve left me with in reading this morning is hope. Yes, $32 a month can mean a lot to a child living in poverty, but there is something that makes a much greater difference. I’m glad to see that CI and people like you are giving that.
🙂 Thanks for listening to God. I will join you in prayer.