It is rare for me to blog about fashion, but desperate times call for drastic measures. C l e a r l y, my services are needed.
Allow me to explain by beginning with a question ~
SINCE WHEN DID CRACK GET PUT ON THE MENU?!
Seriously, what was once reserved for babies with a loaded diaper, plumbers at work, and art-imitating-life Saturday Night Live skits is now on prominent display at any mall in America, or for cryin' out loud, inches from your knee caps at Friday night football or your kid's Saturday morning soccer match! Almost makes me wanna reach for my credit card for a swipe to see if I can get cash back…!
I don't care if you're a 19-year-old hard body, your vertical smile is not your best feature. Not that it's your worst feature, but really…DOES IT EVEN COUNT AS A FEATURE?
I used to think, "Well, just don't buy low-rise pants," but that's not the answer. While I'm no slave to fashion, I like to stay reasonably current; low-rise has been around for years. In the past I'd say, "If you keep having to pull your shirt down, then your pants are too low (or your shirt is too short), but DAGGUM IT–YOU CAN TRY ON A PAIR AT THE STORE AND THEY'LL FIT PERFECTLY FINE, BUT THEN YOU GET 'EM HOME, SIT DOWN AND BAM! Three inches of the great divide.
It's hardly sanitary.
It's getting as bad as the difference between bathing suit shopping and bathing suit wearing. CAN I GET A WITNESS?
But ladies and gentlemen, I think I have a solution to our little gluteus maximus cleavage peekage, and the idea came to me yesterday at my kids' school where EVERYONE was decked out in 80s regalia as part of Spirit Week. Oh, my…let's start with the make up (I carved my initials in someone's eye shadow); and WHERE DID THESE KIDS GET THE JELLIES AND DAY GLO JEWELRY? Oh, yes! praise to the hairspray gods for Big Hair and side ponytails; parachute pants and acid washed jeans and cut-out Flash Dance sweatshirts and the LEGWARMERS DON'T FORGET THE LEGWARMERS! And, I swear to goodness, that Members Only jacket HAD to still be hanging in their daddy's closet!!
The funny thing is no one was wearing my solution to over-crack exposure, but all the 80s fashion and accessories prompted me to remember 70s fashion, and TA-DA!!! I've got it!
I remember wearing them back in the day when low-rise pants were in style the first time, except then they were called "hip huggers". Marcia Brady wore 'em. I'm pretty sure I remember Mary Tyler Moore wearing body shirts, too.
You had to! WHAT SELF-RESPECTING WOMAN WOULD EXPOSE HER PERSONAL MAIL SLOT??
Le s i g h….
I feel sorry for teenage guys these days; how are they supposed to exercise self control–even mental self control–if girls are walkin' around with their pants showin' off half their rear? Parents have lost their collective minds to let their daughters out of the house with their butts on display.
But I digress…bottom line? (the puns are slayin' me, I tell ya, SLAYING ME!) If they don't bring back the body suit, there's only one other solution:
Just say no to crack.
And to celebrate the good ol' days–when appliance repairmen were the only people who felt the need to share their cracks with the world–enjoy Dan Aykroyd in one of my favorite Saturday Night Live skits.
I realized some of my plus size friends were landing on this fabulous fashion advice post, and I've stumbled across a site you're going to love, one devoted specifically to Plus Size Women's Clothing. They probably don't have body suits but they're gonna have just what you're looking for.
Hat tip to my Twitter pals who helped me come up with all the "crack" euphemisms! Mouse over their name to see what each contributed ~ @notdiyheather, @debontherocks, @TeriLynneU, combined these for one of my own: @BlakeMcCrary, @JessicaGottlieb, @traceysoloman and a whole lot of more funnies that didn't quite fit.