I haven't been this excited–and honored–to guest post elsewhere since I moonlighted at 5 Minutes for Mom and Rocks in My Dryer during my Compassion International trip to Calcutta—
A few weeks ago, my friend Tsh aka (in)courage sista aka SimpleMom asked me if I'd be interested in writing a post for a new series she was launching ~
After I was all , I calmly said, "Sure." She asked me to offer a few suggestions about parenting during the teen years, and since I have three, I figured I was as qualified as the next mother.
So I started writing.
Then I wrote more…
And then even more…!
Good gracious, by the time I was done, the post was 1,700 words strong and I was scared Tsh would either have a stroke or ban me from her site.
She did neither; instead, she was enthusiastic, encouraging and more than gracious, consistent with who I've always found her to be. To make it digestible, Tsh decided to break it into two posts. if you like what you've read, please be sure to see its conclusion on Monday.
* * *
Because I knew this post was scheduled today, on their way to school this morning I asked my sons (13 and 16) what they most appreciated about the way we parent and what they'd like us to do differently (note: they go to different schools so I was alone with each one when I asked). There wasn't a lot of time to think about it, but both boys surprised me a little with their ready answers:
Thomas, 16: "You're in our lives without smothering us. You actually care…and you aren't stupid." When I asked him what he meant by stupid he explained, "It's ridiculous how easy it is for some of my friends to lie to their parents." The sad thing is he's talking about good kids and good parents who don't believe their kid would do that, when "that" could be any number of things. Please don't be blind to your child's capacity for doing the wrong thing, even if it's a "little" wrong thing….
Stephen, 13: "I like it that you actually punish us. And that you don't make me go to bed at a certain time." Huh? Who IS this kid? I had to laugh because it's not that often that "punishment" is warranted, but we've always tried to make it proportional to the offense.
Also, that thing about bedtimes? Through seventh grade we did impose strict bedtimes; but because the kids all get up reasonably easy for school, we're relaxed about it now. The beautiful thing is all three of them know when they're tired, and that it serves them best not to stay up late. Had we demanded a certain time, they would have resisted; but when they're empowered to decide for themselves, they go to bed early-ish. Go figure.
Neither kid offered a suggestion for what they'd like us to do differently…but given enough time, I'm sure they'll give me a list…!
Maybe I'll luck out and they'll forget I asked! {wink}
Your turn: Did you read ? I'd love to hear your best tips for parenting teens! I KNOW I don't know it all, so it'd be wonderful if you could encourage ME with something I haven't yet considered!
Great post at Simple Mom! Before I got to the bottom of it, I kept thinking the “don’t take it personally” tip, but then you included it there, too. That’s the #1 struggle I have right now with my 16yo. So much has passed between us recently – including some deceit on her end – and it’s hard to not let it hurt my feelings.
I would also say (though maybe it was in the post – I need to go back and review it!) that as a parent of a teen, you need to LISTEN more than you SPEAK. That’s my #2 struggle. 😉
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By the way, I enjoyed your seasons in parenting post. I have two teenagers. Thanks for the article.
Ok, sometimes we compliment people because we want something in return – that’s not this!
Sometimes we compliment just to make the other person feel better – not this – although I hope it makes you smile.
Sometimes to make me feel better – not this – although I’m smiling – whatever.
But I thought it in my head (duh? redundant – where else) (I’m a writer can’t you tell) (dork) and and it comes from my heart, so I figured I’d share. A momentary wish:
To keep you the same age as you are – and make me 12 again and to be magically transported into your household (like I wanted to be transported into the Brady family – or better yet, the Partridge family because I thought Shirley Jones was way hotter than Florence Henderson, – and oh, Laurie Partride – goodness gracious – way before the LA law days – stuff dreams can only dream to be made of – sorry – got lost a little – I’m back now) anyway to have you as a mom – weird I know because I’m thousands of years older than you – but I think it would have been
and I didn’t expect this tear to well up here
would have been, life changing. That’s just a thought I had (in my head :). It must mean I think you’re onto something – don’t have any teens, or any children, except for my baby sister who became my kind of adopted daughter at 18 when my mom stopped living here and moved to heaven, and whom I gave away to another man, so he could take over the job, when they got married – that broke me in two – just wait – it’s coming.
Anyway, if I did have teenagers, I’d want to sit at your feet for a little while.
And that was from my heart. Things are coming more from my heart nowadays. I’m liking that. You’re part of that.
Awesome post – and as one commenter over at the other site put it – why not a book darnit?
Stacey,
How funny is this: no, I didn't have that suggestion in my post but it's one of the things I thought about after I submitted it to Tsh! GREAT advice! You've gotta listen to what they ARE saying…and what they aren't. It's a practiced skill, don't you think? I hear your pain, though. Deceit stinks; you want to restore trust immediately but there's that little cloud of doubt that lingers. I guess my "go-to" response is to try to bring up the situation LATER…when it's not a hostile field. And to approach it from my perspective, not from an accusatory position (does that even make sense???). Parenting is tough…but one of my strongest conventions is "parenting on purpose"…if you aren't intentional, it ain't gonna happen on your own!! {{hugs}} to you!
Thanks Carrie, so glad you liked the post!
I stumbled upon your site via stumbling upon the Simple Mom blog.
I think it is great to have bloggers out there that are addressing the raising of children that are over the age of 5! It is truly easy to take photos and post write ups when they are little, but what about when they grow up. Posting photographs of pouty faces and finger painting at 9, 13, 18, and 20 is not realistic nor what life is really about.
I love to get the opinions of others and then filter through them to come up with what I feel works best for my family. I am raising my boys to be well-rounded adults, not to bring me self gratification and that seems to be a part of your philosophy too(?).
Again, good to have those willing to tackle the complications of school age children and beyond!
and i noticed my comment followed another one and my first line might seem a response to the previous comment. But NO IT WASN”T I’m sorry. I just pushed my enter comment button after that one and before the next one. Sorry if I offended anyone. Really.
Intresting….I’m terrified of my kids becoming teens but it will happen anyway. I’m off to read your guest post.
That was an excellent post at Simple Mom! I really enjoyed it, and it rings so true to what I know, raising 3, my oldest now being 21-the things I’ve done well with, and the things I had to say, She is right, wish I would have done this better earlier(namely the consequences one!)
Thanks for sharing, and btw, LOVE your blog’s design-red has become one of my favorite accent colors, and I like the black/white/red mix at the top!
Great Post. I really enjoyed both this one and the one on Simple Mom. You hit each point right on the nail. I have 4 teenagers…my boy is 14 and my three girls are ages 17, 18 & 19. I was able to totally relate to everything you said. It was so nice to be able to read something on teenagers. I am looking forward to reading the one on Monday.
Keep on writing! You are awesome and I need this advice right now with a 12 & 13 yr. old. We are just beginning those years!