I remember seeing her scars one time. Only once.
A body disfigured by diseased malevolence, a thief whose plunder demanded dignity and femininity and time…and eventually hope and life.
It's a scant memory, a fleeting, vapored ghost, which I suppose is blessing. A boy-like chest, flat and smooth with purple jagged lines; menacing expression replacing life-sustaining and desire-satisfying pillowy flesh.
She raged five years against brutal torture, before the days of pain management and less invasive treatments. Mama was the bravest woman I ever knew.
This will inform my thinking for the rest of my life.
* * * * * *
I wonder what percentage of small-busted women don't think about implant surgery. For over 20 years I flirted with the possibility. Ever since Victoria let every imaginable secret out of her bag, I wanted what she flaunted–
sex appeal…
cleavage…
the ability to fill out a C-cup…
The green grass on that side of the fence sure looked pretty.
* * * * * * *
Over seven years ago I moved to a new place; no one knew me here. Once again thoughts of breast augmentation stirred in secret corners; if ever I was going to do it, now seemed like the perfect time. By the time I saw friends back home, the contrast between before and after would be faded by time and my kids were young enough not to really notice.
The fact I cared about that was telling….
* * * * * * *
My sister is a 13-year breast cancer survivor. After having both breasts removed, she had reconstructive surgery. She is a hero.
I don't judge anyone who has a breast augmentation, by the way, whether it be elective or reconstructive. This was a very personal, complicated decision for me, and I understand women arrive at different conclusions for their own reasons. It seems important to say that.
* * * * * * * *
I weighed the pros of having surgery–do I really need to spell those out?! And I weighed the cons ~
- Risks and complications of surgery (bottoming out, Capsular Contracture, Gel Bleed, Extrusion, Symmastia, Hematoma, Seroma, Infection, Mondor's Cord, Interference with Mammograms, Necrosis, Breast Implant Rippling, Rupture / Deflation, Loss of Sensation, Unsatisfactory Results). And though rare, some deaths have occurred during/after surgery, not from the implants themselves, but likely anesthesia-related.
-
The thought of leaving my children without their mother as a result of unnecessary, vanity-related surgery–no matter how negligible the risk–was affecting.
- People would know or wonder, and the thought of anyone besides my husband noticing was unnerving to me.
- It felt like I was thumbing my nose at God, how HE created me, and telling him I wasn't satisfied with his work. That He wasn't good enough. No, make that I'm not good enough….
But interestingly, the most compelling reason of them all was living and breathing:
My daughter.
* * * * * * * * *
She is built just like me, my only daughter, my first born. In form and face, there is no denying our relationship, and sometimes in scampering glimpses, she is a mirror portal to my youth.
High compliment is when she tells me I am mirror portal to her future.
Those well acquainted with our family will tell you she is the very best parts of me and my husband. In seasons when marriage becomes more about love-commitment than like-love, she is perfect reminder that my husband and I are One for eternity and no one else was meant to be mine or his.
* * * * * * * * *
I wake her on Saturday before she's ready to leave dreams behind and we have sleepy conversation. Out of the blue and unrelated to anything we're talking about, she leans up on one elbow and with earnest sincerity chasing away Sandman she says, "Thank you, Mom, for not ever getting breast implants."
My quizzical expression begs her to repeat and continue.
"I know you thought about it for a long time, but I'm really glad you never had the surgery. Thank you."
I have no idea where this comes from; for that matter, I'm not sure she knows.
Somehow this odd, unexpected thank you is delayed compensation (confirmation?) for my decision.
* * * * * * * * *
Mama didn't choose her scars; they chose her and ultimately they marked me.
And yet somehow found in the mysteries of gratitude and fierce mother-daughter love, there's healing.
Let it be.
This post deserves a “LOVE” button <3.
WOW. This is beautiful, Robin. I don’t judge either, but it sounds like you made the right decision.
I don’t know any women that don’t entertain the thought of changing something about their physical make up that seems important, but is hardly eternal. The mom thing is a big thing and I think it translates to boys to; what they will expect of their wives. I have a dear friend who did get implants and it was at that point she learned her mother had years earlier. Her mother never told her, but knowing that she didn’t “develop” like her mother made a difference in her confidence in herself. Even unspoken she followed her mother’s example. Complicated issues that are definitely personal and cannot be judged by others, but thank you for putting words to the thoughts so many of us deal with.
Your words are a sweet reminder that how I see myself is leaving a lasting impression on my girls. Thanks. I think you are beautiful.
Robin, this ministered to me tremendously. I have also contemplated surgery. I was born with a condition called pectus excavatum, and one result of it is somewhat deformed breasts. Not to mention small ones…really, to fill an A cup would be dreamy. 🙂 While I don’t think it would have been “wrong” or immoral of me to have corrective/implants surgery, your reasons confirm my choice not to.
LOVE this to the moon and back!!
My experience and decision process has been almost identical. Instead of a mother and a sister, it was my husband’s grandmother and aunt who had breast cancer. The laws of genetics have been kind to both my daughters, but I made my final decision several years ago before we knew that, and the message I would be sending my daughters figured heavily into it. It still would today. I think I am more content with who I am now than I ever have been in the past. I am far from perfect, but I am just happy to be real and to be me. For me, deciding *not* to get implants was a huge step in learning to like myself. I certainly don’t judge anyone else for their choice. Perhaps having the surgery has helped them in the same way not having it has helped me. All I know is that I am glad I was too cheap to spend the money on implants when I wanted them.
Oh Robin, this is beautiful. I’ve never gone through anything like losing my mother, but I do know that kind of daughter-love and it is something fierce. We do have to think through every decision in light of our kids, and this was a good one on your part. We ARE enough, and so are they.
*Thank you….*
For being you…
This was beautiful and spoke of deep things.
Oh, Robin. You never cease to take my breath away with your words. Love this post!
Truly beautiful in words and spirit.
That’s a beautiful one Robin. I sit on the other side of the fence, the reduction side. I would love nothing more than to be able to wear fitted dresses, I am a size six but my breasts say I am a size 12-14, therefore, no sassy spring frocks for me.
I will be honest and admit I have had some surgery, a tummy tuck several years back, but after the fear of what might happen during that and the anxiety leading up to it, I would never put myself in that position again.
It’s just not worth it. You are a smart woman. And your daughter is a lucky girl!
I have never considered breast augmentation but I have considered weight loss surgery. My final naysayer was my husband who told me that he couldn’t stand the thought of losing me due to complications from an “elective” surgery. I still struggle with my weight but I do believe that he was right, at least for us.
Sweet
Susan, I’m so glad YOU saw this; I don’t know why, but somehow I think you really get it :). Thanks for letting me know you read it.
Dawn, thank you :).
McKt, ya know, I don’t think I ever considered what my boys would think; now, I’m wondering if it ever crossed my mind! It IS a complicated, personal decision and I have friends and family who’ve had implant surgery. I think it’s JUST FINE whatever people decide; obviously, I could have gone the other way if it took me that long to make the decision…. 🙂
Alisa, you just blessed my socks off…. :).
Kristen, I’ve joked about it a lot through the years and loved getting to see what it might look like when I nursed my babies and my milk came in…whoa, Nellie! I SO should have taken a picture so THAT would’ve lasted longer! Again, I feel this need to repeat myself, that I think it’s an “okay” decision if women choose to have this surgery (especially reconstructive!!!), but my decision was forever in the making and based on a lot of factors.
Jenni, “Perhaps having the surgery has helped them in the same way not having it has helped me.”
GREAT point! You sound a lot like me in your response, and I had forgotten, the cost of it WAS a factor!! 🙂
Shelly, I agree with you mostly, but for those who electively make that choice do so for reasons sometimes necessary for them; I’m trying to walk a sensitive line because I did want to send an eventual message to my daughter (that she clearly understands), I know for others it serves a purpose beyond black and white. I don’t think it’s a moral decision, either.
Ann, I’m always shy when I know you’ve read something of mine…I guess because I know you to write MANY deep things…(well, it’s more than that, but that’s certainly part of it.).
Saaaaarrrrrraaaaa…Kaaaaaaaaaaaatttt–your sweet words here make me wanna write more and better! Thank y’all for encouraging me!
The Stiletto Mom, see? greener grass :). I cannot imagine your side of it; a teensy glimpse during the nursing years but that’s it. Also, somehow it’s different because it’s not just about vanity, it’s about posture and bra straps that dig into you and difficulty in running, etc. To me, it’s not sending any “message” to a daughter other than relief maybe? And girl, I’ve seen you and never realized your, um…proportion :).
Sandy, stranger things have happened; I don’t think death occurs often but when you hear about it in the news, it’s scary!! I love that your husband loves YOU just the way you are! 🙂
Robin…I just wanted to also reiterate how I have no problem with gals having surgery, either. I wear makeup and color my hair, so I do things everyday that “change” my appearance. And with my chest issue being a reconstructive thing as much as a size thing, I think surgery is even more validated. But for many reasons (some of which you listed), it’s just not for me. At least not anytime in the foreseeable future.
And YES…that breastfeeding thing? Hello! And when you’re breastfeeding twins? Double hello! 🙂 Sigh. They were nice while they lasted! 🙂
Thanks for the food for thought! 🙂
Robin, a profound post today! I have the opposite issue with being very well endowed and hating it. Your words gave me pause. My MIL fought breast cancer, I’m sure she’d love to have breasts. My daughter was never a thought when I have contemplated a reduction. Only a small part is for vanity, mostly it’s for my back and shoulders but still, if she is bestowed the large breast gene from my side of the family, how will she view herself if she knows I had mine reduced? Will it make it more of a focus for her? I will say, large breasts come with a price. Boys make fun, stare, gawk. Grown men talk to your chest, sneer, whistle. Women snub. I sometimes just long to be noticed first thing by something other than my breasts. I wonder sometimes if breasts are just a distraction. God didn’t make a mistake with our bodies, yet satan tries to tell us that He did… Food for thought today.
Blessings,
Mel
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