Early in my parenting adventure, even before I gave birth, I had a few wishes for the children I would eventually bear. Heart whispers, really, things I didn’t speak out loud, hopes that informed how I parented. I suppose you could call them parenting goals, but that sounds mechanical or like a thing, when mostly they provided a framework and direction for the choices I made as a mother.
I knew the kind of mom I didn’t want to become, for one thing; and some wishes were born out of my own youth.
I wanted my home to be THE home…
- a refuge for my own children when the world snipped and snarled…
- a respite for their friends where they always felt welcome
- the opposite of my personal experience as a middle and high schooler.
I lost my mom to cancer when I was nine; my father remarried a few years later. Though I always felt loved by my parents, our home was not exactly refuge for me nor respite for my friends. It was fine, but I knew I wanted more for my own children.
One of my greatest life accomplishments is achieving this.
I’m not proud, I’m t h a n k f u l; so very grateful, that among a pile of mistakes and shortcomings, our home is some place our children and their friends want to be.
How do you make your home a refuge? A few thoughts—
- It has to be a desire of your heart. If this isn’t an important value to you, it’ll end right there. This doesn’t happen by mistake, it requires intention.
- Pray for wisdom. Pay attention to your children to determine what speaks “refuge, safety, relief” when they’ve been battered by peers, teachers, doubt and defeat. If you have more than one child, this isn’t a universal answer. The answer could be as simple as giving your undivided attention while they tell you about a bad day or baking boxed brownies for no other reason than because that's their favorite.
- Don’t nag. If you’ve become a threatening, repeating parent, they aren’t listening anyway. You’re wasting breath. Take a fresh look at how you’re trying to motivate them…if they aren’t going to change, you need to adapt your approach.
- Do not make comparisons to their siblings or their friends. Ever. And they really don’t care what you did when you were their age.
- Cook dinner as often as you can. To me, the dinner table is sacred. It is where life is exchanged and family members are nourished physically and emotionally. Let them invite their friends for dinner as often as possible, too. If you aren’t a great cook, find one or two dishes that your kids and their friends love, then determine to make those things wonderfully. The effort will be appreciated.
- Encourage them to invite their friends over after school and for sleepovers. Even if your home is tiny, friends will respond to warm hospitality.
- Have plenty of snacks in the house. If you’ve got tweens or teens, you know they like to eat junk food! Take advantage of B1G1’s; purchase a wide variety. And they REALLY like homemade treats. When I make homemade sourdough bread, friends show up I haven’t seen in forever.
- Be friendly. This is actually more difficult than it sounds on the surface; there’s a danger in being too friendly. You're not striving to become your kids’ BFFs, but to provide a place where they feel welcome, loved, encouraged…and not judged.
- Have things for them to do. As much as I despise X-Box, we finally broke down and let them get one a few years ago; and as much as I don’t get it, the boys can play side by side with their friends for hours if we let ‘em. We have a gorgeous sunroom that for years we didn’t know what to do with; decorating it the way I wanted to wasn’t within our budget, so we made do for a while. Then it became my son’s weight room, and though I didn’t like it, at least it was being used regularly. A year ago it became the ping pong room and it’s been used more than ever. Maybe it’s a pool table, maybe it’s a stack of board games or puzzles. Figure out what your t(w)eens and their friends like to do, then do your best to provide for it.
- Don't force it. The funny thing is, if my kids read the above paragraph, they'd roll their eyes. PLAY BOARD GAMES? What planet am I on?! B u t…at a party for my daughter's graduation, with tons of adults and teens in the house…I found 15 of 'em sitting on the floor playing Apples to Apples. Had I suggested that, they would've laughed me out the door. Make provision however you can but remember that leading horses/makin' 'em drink thing.
- Bite your tongue. Oh, my. A few years ago, my son got a set of drums. Which meant when he and his friends decided to start a band, practice necessarily HAD to be at our house because DRUMS DON'T TRAVEL! Sometimes, this wasn't personally convenient (<–the nicest way to say it); but when the noise pushed me to the brink of insanity, I'd take a deep breath and exhale, "They're not drinking. They aren't drugging. They aren't having sex. And I know where they are and what they're doing." Don't fall into the trap of thinking your child could never do any of those things; that's treacherous and foolish. Just remember when they're pursuing a dream that isn't practical or doesn't make sense to you, but there's no harm in it, you need to find a way to accept and support them.
The world is harsh. Kids can be mean. So what are you going to do about it?
Your turn: What One Thing can you do this week to sweeten the atmosphere of your home, to encourage your tween or teen to want to hang around a little more?
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We are still digging our heals in on the game system thing, but our oldest is only 10 – I know that eventually we’ll break and get one for our house. Until then they can cruise aroudn on the 4-wheeler and build forts in the backyard!
I love this post. It has helped me pinpoint why my childhood home wasn’t a respite for my friends although it was always a refuge for me. I’ve also wanted it to be both for my children and have now received the inspiration I need from reading your blog. Thank you.
I definitely want my house to be THE place to hang out. My kids aren’t quite that old yet, but in just a couple short years we will be starting. I definitely agree that fun things to do and great food are vital. This post was great and I will have to reference it often in my efforts to make our home the place to be!
Don’t wait until the kids are driving themselves to become that home!
Make opportunities for small group gatherings early on … with church friends, neighbors, sports teams, etc. invited to your house to hang out. (You can plan ahead, but present the get together as spur of the moment … that way no one expects an “event”!)
Let the other kids grow into a relationship with your WHOLE family, not just your child.
And, with an only child, we rarely leave our house for a ballgame, school or church event without another child in our car. Both kids benefit!
I’m excited about this week. My 3rd child will be celebrating her 16th birthday at the end of the month and this Friday I am throwing her a surprise birthday party/sleepover with her 3 closest friends. We have never done a 16th birthday party (for the older 2) so she won’t be expecting it at all and it is 2 weeks before her actual birthday. She is hard to surprise so I am crossing my fingers that her friends don’t slip.
I have the rest of the family out of the house so we will have it to ourselves and I have fun stuff planned including making caramel apples (her favorite).
THis week…hmmm… I am inviting a boy I’m not that crazy about to my son’s 14th birthday celebration. Doesn’t sound like much, but I’m telling you and the entire internet now…It’s a sacrifice.
We broke down and bought a wii a few years ago – I’ll keep your wise words in mind when they badger me for the umpteenth time to play…
Blessings!
Ahh Robin…we have to be related. My dream was to be THE HOUSE too. My HS/College kids love having friends over. It’s always been the place everyone partied (Christian party, that is)! 😉
I, too have had to put up with some invasions that I’d rather have avoided. But, again….my kids were home, safe & having fun with all that God has blessed us with.
Kids know when you don’t like them. They also know if they’re welcome in your home. So, I like your advice. It’s the little things that make that relationship rock!
My goodness! As the very involved Grandmother of tween/teen boys, I have to say amen and amen to every word of this. What a wonderful series. Thanks for sharing your heart and your wisdom!
Robin…this is just the best post ever and so dear to my heart. In the midst of moving now and with my 2 oldest not at home, they crave the homey atmosphere, baking, and just being able to kick back on their own couch. I can hardly wait until we are moved so that once again I can provide that soft place to land.
It’s you… you are the wonder of this. Who you are. Why your home is what it is.
And it is an accomplishment of grace. A gift.
How I love you, friend…
Love this list of practical ideas. I desire for my home to be the safe-haven, because I didn’t come from that place. Your tips and wisdom are sinking deep into my soul and I will heed them. Oh Lord, help me to heed them!
We want this too. I have talked with my mum about the things that hindered my childhood home becoming this (talked with mum with no resentment). Two things I would add
– be available to get involved (but not living in their pocket). I guess that is in keeping with your ‘be friendly’. We want to know these kids – not just be hospitable to them.
– be a fun adult (but not a teenage-acting-adult)
Great post – I’ll forward onto my husband so we can talk about this issue again. Thanks.
Amy Lynn, KEEP FIGHTING!! They have great outdoor alternatives so you go girl! I’m pulling for YOU to win! 🙂
Kati, oh my word–you just blessed my socks off! Thank you!
Laura, awwww…your comment made my day, too 🙂
Jamie, Fantastic! GREAT points, you make! Keep ’em coming!
Jennifer, your excitement is palpable; how I love your intention in all of this :).
Liberty, I hear you…I “get” that kind of sacrifice. Jewels in your crown, hon…sparkly ones :).
Wanda, you are spot on: Kids DO know whether or not you like them! It breaks my heart when my kids tell me a teacher or coach doesn’t like them (peers, I can handle). Thanks for your always enthusiasm :).
Mollianne, oh, my. Thank you. Your comment is a wordgift :).
Juanita, as I’m reading your comment, I’m thinking about my oldest coming home from college for the first time this week; what you’ve said is how she feels about home comforts. Hope you get settled quickly!
Ann, this you know: ALL grace. You buoy me in the happiest of ways. I’m always grateful, always filled by your word kindness and love.
Lisa, you remind me to write carefully, thoughtfully. I’m doing my best…. 🙂
Belinda, your two points add much. Thank you for offering them. I love the distinction between being fun and being the adult. An important line to draw.
Just found your series through your link at Simple Mom today; everything I’ve read so far is great advice! I struggle with the junk food thing since I really try hard to avoid chemicals/processed but do agree that is is fun to be able to feed my kids and their friends well – real meals, homemade treats and even sometimes junk food:)
About the drums, it is my friend who gets the kids jamming at her place due to their two drum sets. Lucky her!!! But I love her and know she loves our kids too and will watch out for them.