– i –
I was headed toward the cashier when I noticed him: a man wearing baggy pants, a black raincoat and a skittish demeaner. His eyes surveyed the check-out area, but it was the way he patted the outside of his right pants pocket that made me nervous. Pat pat pat, slipping hand inside his pocket and out again, then a second double pat to make sure it was there, or stayed put, or I don't know what.
Sixth sense raised the hair on the back of my neck and I could feel his presence to my right. He didn't appear to have a return (he wasn't carrying a bag) and he maintained a wide berth as if waiting for his turn in line. His weight shifted from side to side and I felt the world's sway.
Though it couldn't have made much difference had he "tried" anything, I inched as far to the left of him as I could, barely able to read the credit card swiper as I signed my name. Did he notice? Did he know why? Mentally, I calculated What I Would Do "If", and I thought serpentine and hit the floor and duck!
I felt guilty for judging him but I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
– ii –
When I arrived at church this morning, I wondered how many concealed weapons were in the building. I've never had that thought before.
– iii-
I was 13 when the R-rated, Academy Award-winning film Network premiered, too young to see it even if I had wanted to. But I'm well aware of it's most famous scene and oft-quoted line…and it has been playing on endless reel in my mind since Friday mid-day. (Note: youtube clip contains R-rated profanity.)
– iv –
Most of the characters in the Harry Potter series are too frightened to call Evil by its name, referring to Voldemort instead as He Who Must Not Be Named or You Know Who. It's the ultimate sign of disrespsect and courage when Harry calls him by name.
When Evil wields its wicked hand against the innocents, I wish we'd agree to strip it of any shred of notoriety or gangster celebrity by forgetting the perpetrator's name. To splash it across every media channel on the planet only fuels the fantasies of madmen.
I visited Hitler's birthplace recently, its marker a stone removed from a concentration camp quarry. Rather than "honor" his memory with dates of his birth or cowardly suicide or even his name, it pays tribute to his innocent victims; the Memorial Stone, translated, says, "For Peace, Freedom and Democracy. Never Again Fascism. Millions of Dead Remind [us]".
I guess if they listed all of the victims by name, the town would be buried by a boulder.
– v –
Would anyone disgree that our country has changed a lot over the past 220+ years? I can't imagine.
Can everyone agree that regulation is not the same thing as an outright ban? Why is moderation or slowing the process such a threat?
Will more lives be saved by increasing or decreasing the number of guns?
I've never heard of anyone game hunting with an automatic or semi-automatic weapon….
Understandably, the Second Amendment is under fire right now; yep, I imagine the NRA is hunkering down, ready to defend by God our right to bear arms.
Excuse me, but what the hell is wrong with us?!
Put a gun in everyone's hand so we can defend ourselves against crazy bad guys? Can you imagine if a dozen Barney Fife's had been in the theater for the Batman premier last July?
I wish I was better informed to discuss the issue more intelligently; in a debate I'd be shredded by those who are practiced in their rhetoric. But then I see a glimmer of hope: someone political, intelligent, influential changes his mind. Enough is enough.
I do know this much: I don't want to sacrifice another child's life for my right to do anything.
I've grown weary of word wars.
– vi -
Five years ago, f i v e y e a r s a g o, I had this conversation with my then ten-year-old son and wrote about it:
During my 45-minute power walk/his 45-minute joyride, several cars passed us. My jaw dropped on this one:
Stephen: "Know what scares me when cars drive by?"
Me: (thinking he was going to say they'd accidentally veer into us…) "What?"
Stephen: "…that they have guns in there and they're going to shoot us."
He was serious.
My mother-comforting response went something like "Oh, baby, you don't need to worry about that…that's the last thing that would happen."
Tell that to the kids at Columbine or Virginia Tech :/….
There is no telling what's going on in the minds of children these days…how their psyche has been indirectly assaulted from the insanity of a random massacre. Perhaps this was a telling glimpse.
As he flew down the hill having already forgotten words that branded my heart, I silently prayed those desperate prayers that all mothers pray from cradle to grave…and wondered how in the world I'm supposed to hold my children loosely.
"… those desperate prayers that all mothers pray from cradle to grave…"
It's the scourge of our culture when those two are so close together.
I used to think I tell my children I love you too often; that maybe my frequent use diminished the depth of my affection.
They have no idea how hard it is to let them go, to let them be.
– vii –
I haven't cried.
I wonder if there's something wrong with me because I haven't cried.
Is it because my own littles are now so big?
False guilt is damning me and telling me something is broken inside.
Something is broken inside. Emotions collide.
I'm grateful to Rachel Held Evans who gave me permission to grieve this tragedy in my own way; we've not yet met but when we do I hope I remember to thank her.
My heart aches while I pray for strangers. They're with me as I fall asleep and when I open my eyes before daylight…especially the mothers who've had the dreams for their babies replaced with nightmares on Dickinson Street.
– viii –
I share their names to honor their lives.
(adults) Principal Dawn Hochsprung, Psychologist Mary Sherlach, Teachers Lauren Rousseau, Victoria Soto, Anne Marie Murphy, Rachel Davino; Nancy Lanza.
Kinders, Principal Hochsprung's pet name for these six and seven year olds: Olivia Engel, Emilie Parker, Charlotte Bacon, Daniel Barden, Josephine Gay, Ana Marquez-Greene, Dylan Hockley, Madeleine Hsu, Catherine Hubbard, Chase Kowalski, Jesse Lewis, James Mattioli, Grace McDonnell, Jack Pinto, Noah Pozner, Caroline Previdi, Jessica Rekos, Avielle Richman, Benjamin Wheeler, Allison Wyatt.
Six degrees of separation, no…it's two. Noah is the nephew of a blogging friend. Other blogging friends, live there (Jamie) or close by (Jessie Leigh). Their thoughts were personal and helpful to read.
And with that, it slips closer to home.
– ix –
There's a lot of talk about God these days, where was he, how could he allow this to happen. Pastors have offered words of encouragement; they've reminded us about good things like hope and love and God's incarnation.
When preachers say this is warning and judgment and what we get for "taking prayer out of schools," or leaders decry we've " systematically removed God" from schools, I want to run from the label of "Christian."
Based on what I understand about God, he's omnipresent. If I'm praying, he's present no matter where I am. The Holy Spirit indwells me as a believer; I carry Christ with me wherever I go. Even in schools.
I can't hear the love of Christ when you're wagging your finger in my face.
– x –
I never mentioned what I'm writing about. When devastation shatters a nation and rattles the heavens, you don't even have to call it by name.
Additional thoughts from deep and heady thinkers and friends, VERY worthwhile reads:
Gandolf, Golf and Immanuel ~ Deidra Riggs
In search of light ~ Melanie / Big Mama
When parents have nightmares ~ Lisa Jo Baker
Something to ponder ~ Katherine Willis Pershey
Lamentations ~ Jen Hatmaker
An attempt to put words on heartache ~ Emily Freeman
God can't be kept out ~ Rachel Held Evans
Thank you, you wrote what my heart wants to say but couldn’t find the words!
very well said!
This is beautiful. I love it. I agree with all of your words, thoughts and feelings.
I’d add only one thing:
Nancy Lanza.
She died too.
Jean,
You’re welcome…. I could’ve made this 20 parts but I was tired. It’s complicated and grievous and impossible to understand….
Robin and Jen,
Thank y’all for reading…processing with me.
And I added Nancy to the list; when I wrote it initially, I debated including her, and actually meant to. Thanks for helping me remember.
“…weary of word wars.” You and me both, sister. And yet we offer our words because we can’t not speak on behalf of the innocent. Thank you for this incredibly touching post.
Thanks Robin. It has been bugging me all weekend, so I’m sorry if I sounded snippy. So many lists on Facebook, tweets, blog posts, speeches made… about the 26 people. And it made my heart twist. There is so. much. grief… and it saddens me greatly to see that an entire facet of it is being ignored completely, for fear of giving Adam attention. (See… i deleted and rewrote his name FIVE TIMES, wondering if I should use it. *sigh*)
So many people are effected by this tragedy in so many ways. I do not have the emotional energy to find new words on this, so I am going to share a comment I just posted on another friends blog:
“It was a really tough weekend for a lot of people, and the holidays are just going to be tougher for the families involved.
What do you do with the presents for the victims? What do you do with the presents for Adam? It’s hard to make my mind even focus on the last question.
My thing is I don’t know how to change gun legislation without changing the constitution. And I’m not really even sure it would help. If people didn’t have access to a gun, I feel like they would find another way. Bombs, arson…any other vehicle for the violence they feel the need/urge/desire/whatever to commit.
Personally I would rather focus the conversation on mental health care reform. There are serious economic barriers in place for mental health care vs other types of health care. I think if we can address the ‘why’ these crimes are committed we won’t have to worry as much about the ‘how’.”
Thanks Robin for starting this conversation.
I guess if we could just make insanity against the law
Number 9? Yes. Me too.
A friend of my is much better than I with words and she shared the following with me. I wholeheartedly agree with her:
#1 – *I* am not “sacrificing a child’s life” by supporting our Second Amendment right to own guns. I have no cupability whatsoever in a person choosing to procure a gun and harm someone else. (Or choosing to use a bomb (as in Oklahoma City) or an airplane or a box-cutter (as in 9/11) or a bow and arrow (as in the young man recently murdering his father with a bow and arrow) or any other thing used as a weapon). Our Second Amendment right has nothing to do with that, anyway. Criminals and mentally unstable people WILL procure guns (and procure them EASILY) on the streets and on the black market, should they want to commit a crime. Gun purchases would simply move underground, while still being abundantly and readily available to those people. All that stripping our Second Amendment right will do is leave good people at the mercy of bad people.
#2 – People don’t get it that once the government strips us of our Second Amendment right, it will be only a matter of time…GUARANTEED (look at our world’s history in regards to the rights of the citizens of various countries being gradually eroded)…until our other Amendment rights are systematically stripped from us as well. Including the Amendment right (freedom of speech) that allows every citizen to speak and publish their opinions and thoughts. The very right that allows us to freely and openly speak in favor of or against the Second Amendment will be one of the next to go (again, look at history). It’s a slippery, dangerous slope when people think that we can give the government the right to take one Constitutional Amendment right away, while not expecting them to eventually take them all.
This fearful reaction to any discussion about our 2nd amendment rights has done me in. The editorial in the NY Times by Kristoff is the best piece to read to combat this narrow thinking and steadfast refusal to see that the ease of accessibility to guns, especially automatic weapons, IS part of the problem. Thank you, Robin, for penning these good words. Thank you.
There is no fear here Diana, none. The ease to gain weapons of any kind will always be there. Our right to defend ourselves against those with ill intent is very important to me. Diana, I hope and pray that you are never faced with what a friend of mine faced when she had nothing to defend herself with when a man broke into her home and raped and brutally murdered her. God forbid you have children should the same thing happen to you. YOU deserve the right to defend yourself and your children. And yes, Robin thank you. I’m grateful you have the right to free speech and your opinion. Even though we disagree on this issue I love you dearly, sweet friend, and miss you here in Chattanooga.
Diana, I’ve not seen any “fearful reaction” to this discussion about Second Amendment rights. I’ve only seen well-stated thoughts on both sides. It can’t be assumed that because a person states rational, reasonable thoughts regarding consequences of a particular action (such as the Second Amendment being changed or rescinded), they are fear-mongering. I’ve not seen anything that’s been said here as being “narrow thinking and steadfast refusal to see,” either. I suppose that EITHER side on this issue could said to be “narrow thinking and steadfast refusal to see,” since both sides hold very strong and very specifically defined and articulated views. I don’t think it’s productive or constructive to use those terms to describe each other, though. I personally do not want to see ANY of my Constitutional Amendment rights taken away; however, I don’t define those with an opposite view as being narrow thinkers or those who refuse to see, simply because they don’t see things the way I do. This is an issue on which there are very strongly held views. We can respectfully disagree.
I believe the Good Shepard shed tears over each of His lambs who lost their lives. Even the one who took the lives of others. Maybe especially for that one.
Isn’t it natural to look for a solution after something like this happens….can’t we just fix it?! (My fix it thoughts have been with wondering how can we communicate to parents that violent video games harm our children?!) I love the gospel hope in the midst of profound sadness that your friend, Ann Voskamp, communicated today and I think it will help if I can “park there” in sorting out my thoughts for now. http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/12/the-truth-about-sandy-hook-where-is-god-when-bad-things-happen/?
this. yes. amen.
Oh sweet Robin … you have put into words almost every thought I’ve had. This isn’t about guns or rights, not even about mental illness or parenting, this is simply sin. Broken, desperate, fallen … and this depravity is nothing new. Word-made-flesh came into a world that was just as broken, just as desperate, just as fallen … the oppressive Roman rule, the fear that slaughtered babies.
The sages of old (biblical and otherwise) rightly say, “There is nothing new under the sun.” Until all things are made new, all old things will remain. My heart breaks and aches. And there are no simple answers, no easy fixes … just this, “For God so loved the world … ”
It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t “feel” like it helps. But I cling to the truth that I cannot fathom … God loves us, each of us, all of us.
Thank you. It is absolutely crucial for people to speak courageously and prophetically about the need for change in our gun regulation. And your words of grief speak right to the heart.
The song in my heart and my head for the past several days has been one from an old hymnal…Does Jesus Care? The verses ask if Jesus cares about our situations, the everyday as well as the life-shattering. The chorus rings out “Oh, yes! He cares! I know He cares, His heart is touched with my grief. When the days are dreary, the long nights weary, I know my Savior cares” I cling to that. He cares.
AMEN to Diana!!!!
I was going to leave a lengthy comment, but deleted it all. I think typing it out was cathartic enough for me. You put into words what I’ve been unable to. I’m right with you all the way down the list.