Quite possibly the only best Facebook poem you'll ever read ~



Oh, Facebook, you enigma

I do not understand

How you hold me captive

I am putty in your hand.


Check in for just a minute

But then an hour has passed.

Mark Zuckerberg is brilliant!

His Black Hole sucks time so fast!


"What's on my mind," you question.

For some, "How do I feel?"

Important, caring questions,

(If only you were real.)


A soapbox and a megaphone

A place to rave and rant

"Go Daddy is disgusting!"

Moms' Super Bowl ad chant.


Don't know a thousand people

but two thousand friends are mine

How can that be possible?

Have we crossed a line?

Redefining friendship

To faces I can't place

When put like that, ridiculous!

Amazing/pointless race.


Oversharing way too much

It's cause for consternation

Don't wanna know your issues with

Cramps or constipation!

And yet you post those pictures

Of babies smeared in poo,

Or worse, when girls lose their minds–

Post selfies, clothes too few. 


Like apocalyptic zombies

Under Facebook mind-control

Could it be world domination

Is Mark Zuckerberg's end goal?


Net worth at 14 billion

And he isn't even 30.

The Winklevoss twins would say

"That's cause he plays so dirty."


I can't imagine what comes next

Addictive net fixation

The thing that knocks Mark off his throne

The next big web sensation.


But for now Zuck owns the crown

He's earned the right to shout–

"I'm Kiiiiing of the Wooooorld!"

Is there any doubt?



With thanks to my nephew, Matt, for his brilliant photoshop…

…and to James Cameron, Leonardo DiCaprio and Danny Nucci for "letting" me borrow this image from Titantic…

…and crossing my fingers Mark Zuckerberg never sees this and decides to shut down my Facebook account before I decide to do it myself….

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