By the time your children hit double digits, they're on their way to becoming who it is they'll become. Some studies suggest their personality is set by first grade. By the time kids hit middle school, pubescent-related, seemingly bi-polar mood swings notwithstanding, my observation and experience suggest a parent's influence in shaping personality is over.
The 80s movie Trading Places comes to mind, where the question was raised "Is it heredity or environment that determines how well a person succeeds in life?" I'm inclined to believe it's a matter of both, with parents having diminishing influence as children get older.
So what do you do if there's something about your child's personality you wish were different or want to change? (Note, I'm not talking about behavior in this post; I'm speaking to general disposition.)
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Pray for your heart to change to accept your child the way he or she was created.
In my 19 years as a mother, this proved to be one of my most difficult parenting challenges.
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By nature, I'm outgoing; it's rare not to see a smile on my face. I'll be the first to introduce myself, and I've been hand-slapped for asking too many questions in my quest to put "you" at ease.
My first born was the opposite and I wasn't prepared for the contrast.
During her elementary years, her countenance was too often not happy, which I never understood because she had every reason to be happy. She clung to me or familiar friends, never venturing out of her comfort zone. She was reserved (different from shy) and let only family and her closest friends "see" her. She was serious, stubborn and fiercely independent. Though we shared many personality characteristics, these were my antithesis.
And I didn't like them.
I didn't mind the independence so much; I felt like that would serve her well. But the other things concerned me because I thought they might limit her. Some of it I plain didn't like because those characteristics manifested themselves in behaviors and attitudes I didn't care for–the way she choose to dress, how she fixed her hair, how she related to people….
I wanted her to change to fit my expectation for a daughter; I wanted to mold her into an image of my design. I wanted her to be more like me.
And that I didn't like more than personality traits that pinched my nerves.
There was a battle within. Overall, my daughter was a great kid; good grades, mannerly, respectful of adults, helpful around the house. But because she was "lacking" in a few areas according to my view of the Perfect Child, she "needed" to change.
I'm not proud to admit this, but I doubt I'm the only one, either.
Somehow, miraculously, I kept these thoughts to myself. I'm sure they leaked out in plenty of unspoken ways, but for the most part I didn't badger her. After middle school I gave up on dressing her the way I wanted (her taste was simple and modest) and the only time I asked her to consider changing her hair was on school picture day.
And I prayed for wisdom.
In the deepest places, I did not want to bruise her heart; if God created her this way, I wanted to love her just as she was. My heart was slowly changed…
Our differences were not moral failings. In the scheme of life, they meant little to nothing.
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In our story, by the time she left high school, some of these things DID change. But NOT because I had anything to do with it! Because of how she was wired, coupled with her own convictions and desire to change, she did. Though we'll never know, I'm convinced that had I pushed her, nagged her and tried to change her during those middle and early high school years, hers would be a different story to tell.
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So, dear readers–are there areas you're pushing your children now, to try to mold them in to your image or one of your choosing? Could it be that you need to bite your tongue, SEE all their positive qualities and let them continue growing into who THEY'RE supposed to be? Maybe not. But if so, sift through my words and let me know if anything is speaking to you…then what you plan to do about it.
xo
A parenting series that doesn't build from one post to the next; rather, it's a collection of thoughts and advice from a mama who's been there, doing that, intended as encouragement, not dogma. I hope you'll subscribe in a reader or by email to receive notice when new posts are published! ~ ?
That is good advice.
My biggest problem is seeing those attributes in my children that I dislike about myself. I find myself having to bite my tongue to avoid harping on my kids about it. (they aren’t bad attributes – just things I wanted to change about myself. My kids are fine with them. I just don’t want them to grow up hating themselves because of it – like being shy).
Oh, Robin… you just speak straight to my heart! I’m raising a (truly) brilliant first grader who is awkward socially. Born completely at ease in social situations, I struggle to watch him in a crowd. But it’s not him… not him at all. It’s ME. And I need to pray that I may focus on the wonder of him and give thanks that he is comfortable enough with himself that he needn’t seek the affirmation that I always seem to need. Thank you for this.
Oh boy, does this ever speak to me. My middle daughter is probably more like me than I care to admit–introverted, independent, not naturally warm and fuzzy. It has bugged me all these years (she’s a senior in high school) until the past couple, when I finally stopped trying her to be the daughter I thought she should be (easy, like her sisters) and just tried to accept who she is. It’s still hard, I’ll admit, but I’m just trying to let her be her. Tonight we’re going out to dinner, just the two of us, and I’m anxious to see what she’ll want to talk about, if anything. 🙂
Oh my goodness… I just stumbled on your blog from the 31 day series. You give some awesome advice. I don’t have teens or tweens (actually, not even close… a one and three year old)… but I did work with teenage girls for years as a primary therapist. What you are saying is what I would tell parents all the time.. kids need encouragement and they don’t need a friend, they need parents. Parents who can talk to them like friends, but when it comes down to it… they need to have boundaries… kids want that.
Thanks for this series… I will be reading. It is important to set a foundation for the teen years in the early years. I think sometimes if you wait until the teen years to start talking then it can be too late (not always, but sometimes).
Blessings, Dana
Karmyn, that’s the thing I saw change in Rachel; again, I’d say she was more reserved than shy (in her comfort zone she was outgoing), but after a church missions trip, she realized people just want someone to listen. Sooo, she set out to be a listener, to initiate conversations, to be friendly before others were friendly to her. It was amazing to watch someone change from the inside out…but it definitely had to be b/c SHE wanted it, ya know? It’s SO hard to change ourselves! I think it was a God thing :).
JessieLeigh, oh, how wise you sound. Very well articulated…but sometimes so much easier said than done.
Shelly, you and I parallel in so many ways; doesn’t it feel good when you realize you’ve been “fighting” a ghost that doesn’t need to be fought? I hope y’all had a GREAT, talkative dinner! xo
Dana, good points, all. Your vocation will serve your parenting :). You make a point I kinda want to say in EVERY post, but keep my mouth shut: parenting teens, parenting tweens…BEGINS AT BIRTH! The “conversation” needs to begin LONG before they’re “this” age…spot on!
Another great, poingant post, Robin. I feel like I’m coming out of the cave of mothering little ones and am lost in a wilderness of coming to this intentional parenting game late.. fighting all the feeling of loosing precious time.
Taking all you write to heart….
Blessings!
This post really spoke to me. My son is ten and is a truly amazing kid. He’s smart, confident, witty, compassionate, affectionate… all of the things that a parent could want. He is also feisty, opinionated, loud, stubborn, emotional… I often find myself wanting to modify or change some of his traits in an effort to make is life easier.
Your post was a good reminder that I need to just hold my tongue. God made my boy this way for a purpose. My focus should be on praying that he becomes the man God wants him to be. When I really think about it, that’s what I truly want anyway.
Just stopping by from 31 days. Love your bloggy world here. When I had teens in the house I became a master of biting my tongue. I’m talking literally! It hurt. LOL but it was so worth it and the relationship I now have with my kids. Thanks for sharing.
Liberty, you bless me every time our words (or person!) cross paths. I can’t wait to see you again….
Amy, your comment reminds me to pray for myself to accept my kids As They Are. Sometimes easier said than done. I believe God is accomplishing a work in me through the conflict of those relationships sometimes…. Tough lessons….
Alene, You sound like your children are older, so it’s nice to hear the voice of hindsight. Thanks for stopping by!