Two days before Christmas, I received a duplicate comment — an anonymous, public duplicate comment — on two faith-based sites to which I contribute monthly:
Robin,
Please, please, – my heart asks, – please don’t be offended; And, I know that this is off-topic:
But, could you consider changing your tag-line/bio photo to one that
has less of your skin showing? (Though you are indeed beautiful!)
This perhaps is a case where the messenger should better reflect the
message (and your photo does not reflect your WONDERFUL message).Your message of the POWER of PRAYER and of the LORD’S SPIRIT is indeed a WONDER-FULL message. 🙂
kindly, and by HIS grace alone,
HveHope
Please note: the above is a cut and paste and all typos are the Anonymous Commenter's alone; except I fixed a screwy spacing issue.
The profile picture attached to my author bio was the same one right up there in the top left corner of my blog, one of my favorites from the 1,000+ pictures my insane sister captured for my Traveling Red Dress "photo shoot" in Germany.
That bony clavicle is not my best feature, but it is one that tells me I'm my mother's daughter, and it tells my daughter she's mine. So I tolerate it because it keeps my Mama and my baby girl close to mind and heart, this is how God made me, and I've never heard of plastic surgery to minimize a perfectly healthy, no-matter-how-protruding, collarbone anyway.
Another thing–I like that smirky grin barely twisting my lips because I'm prone to showing you ALL my teeth 99% of the time. Don't smile! I can still hear my big sister barking, which is like telling me not to breathe. But if someone can snap a picture of me looking happy – SANS THE TEETH – * a n d * a little mysterious, well, they've managed something not so typical for folks like me (those born channeling the Cheshire Cat and likely to die that way, too).
Further, because o b v i o u s l y I'm belaboring point after point, over the past few years the red dress has been worn by A Magical Sisterhood sized 6-18. I'm one of the sixes and, as far as I know, the last person to wear it before Jenny Lawson's appearance on the Katie Couric show. I mention the size range only to explain that keeping this dress up was a challenge! Years ago, I explained why I'm thankful to be small-busted (although when I re-read that list I would absolutely add at least two more points, likely worthy of a future blog post), but for purposes of The Dress, a few grapefruits would've been helpful.
Now…the Commenter.
Ai yi yi…the Commenter.
I actually hear the writer's heart in this and believe her motive was pure, written from strong personal conviction. The overall effusive nature of her comment indicates she was concerned about how I would receive it; words were carefully chosen to minimize offense. Rather than summarily dismissing what she had to say (because, h e l l o, it's anonymous), I listened with a measure of detachment, genuinely considering her message. Also, in the postage stamp-sized avatar, the picture is cropped above where you can see the red dress, and I suppose those with active imaginations might think I'm wearing The Emperor's New Clothes.
When I shared it with my husband, he reminded me that the internet is a public forum and the nature of blogging invites diverse opinion (he had a few other juicy things to say, but I'll keep those between me and him). I also shared it with the writers of one of the sites where it was published, and not only did they share their support in favor of keeping it, they threatened bodily harm if I changed it.
(And they suggested this might be why I would chose such a picture…!)
And, let's remember my opinion: I like it. A lot.
Let me tell you why—
I see a michievous expression and a figurative wild hair up-do (a rarity; and the result of my big sister bossing me AGAIN "TWIST YOUR HAIR UP IN THIS CLIP!" without the benefit of a brush or mirror or me seeing what it looked like until we got home and I saw the pictures).
I see my page in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Red Dress. I remember strangers who asked to have their picture taken with me, the school children on a field trip who asked for my autograph, those darlings who thought I was a celebrity despite my protests.
I see my personality–joie de vivre + carpe diem with a sliver of WHAT in THE world AM i DOING?!
I see a memory carved into forever with my sister, a few hours where I felt like a princess.
So why would I change my author avatar for those two sites?
Why would I bow to the preference of a commenter who, rather than approach me privately, discretely and maturely via email, leaves a comment at two other sites for which I write?
And in consideration that every person from whom I sought counsel defended my use of the picture?
My reason is found within the wisdom of 1 Corinthians 10:23-24:
“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:23-24, ESV
And also in light of 1 Corinthians 8, especially verses 9-13 and lasering in on my freedom–
But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak. ~ 1 Corinthians 8:9, NASB
I don't believe my liberty is of greater value than another's Achilles Heel.
I would never want my freedom to diminish the value of my words, specifically as it relates to writing about my faith, when my experience (and the processing of it) is intended to honor and glorify God.
If one person feels my picture contradicts that message, then who knows how many others feel the same way? It's a sobering question I'm compelled to ask myself. And rather than speak to me privately about it, they just click away, branding me as some trollop and never bothering to read my words again? The only thing worse than putting Baby in a corner is throwing her out with the bathwater….
Another big factor is I would never in any way, shape or form want to detract from the websites where the avatar appears! I value them, I've seen how the content encourages others in the faith, and I can't bear the thought of my choices hurting those sites' respective messages of hope, encouragement and healing.
If this is the case then, why would I leave the photograph in question on my own site? Well, mostly because you can see the dress when the picture isn't cropped! And, as I've detailed above…I like it for a lot of reasons.
It wouldn't surprise me if I actually know the Anonymous Commenter; she did her best not to hurt my feelings and to leave no way for me to trace the comment back to its source. Interestingly, my feelings have nothing to do with my decision or how I received her comment.
And I am offended, but not because of her comment.
It's highly insulting for anyone to comment publically elsewhere and not to hold me in high enough esteem to contact me directly to express their concern.
But, then again, I suppose cowardly lions lack the courage to stand publically behind their convictions.
* * * * * * *
Your turn: Please chime in on this one…I'd love to hear your thoughts about anonymous comments or letters.
Your fellow sister-with-a-bony-clavicle says amen to everything you say here.
I love you, Robin.
You know, you’ve answered every side of every question I could think of. Frankly, I don’t know what I would have chosen, in your shoes, or dress as it were. But I do know that everything we encounter in the world goes through our own filters of junk and joy. We can’t possibly know how one other person is going to react to something we see as totally normal. I Al’s know there is nothing scandalous about this photo, that your writing is clearly an indication of your heart, and that God made your gorgeous. So, you go girl!
Kristen,
I might not share your height, but I'm so happy we share hearts…and collarbones :).
I think anonymous comments, especially those left in a public arena, are always suspect. It’s disrespectful.
That said, it never hurts to listen, even briefly, to the message. But you need to have sharp and tall boundaries around your heart to know what is truth and what is lie. And then reject the lie.
Your picture in that red dress is beautiful, Robin – smart, sassy and fun. You don’t answer to anyone but your God when it comes to how you dress. And this push from within the Christian community to dress woman in virtual burqas is more than frustrating to me. We are letting Satan shame us, and that is not God’s freedom.
Robin, your burka caption says it all!! Not all of us interpret the Word of God the same way. You know I feel very strongly about why that’s a Very Good Thing. I’m sure the person who sent you this comment was trying to bring you onto her path with all the best of intentions. Someday hopefully she’ll realize that all paths lead to the same Truth, and yanking someone else’s arm out of their socket in the name of Jesus isn’t always the right thing to do, regardless of how gentle she tries to be. Rock on, beautiful woman in red, and always stay true to yourself.
This reminds me of when I got called to HR because my Ann Taylor blouse was showing too much cleavage! I kid you not…I don’t think Ann Taylor makes anything risqué. And Lord knows I wasn’t trying to show off anything. It’s cute when you’re early 20s, not mid-30s. In my opinion, someone is jealous…they weren’t blessed with the opportunity to wear the red dress.
Robin, I love you and your bony-clavicle-non-grapefruit-boobs body! 😉 I, like you, hear the commenters heart, but it’s wrong of her to ask you to change something for her. That goes against the purpose of the sites. I hope she takes this opportunity to grow and stop throwing Scriptures out at those that offend her. (That actually makes me more Grrr-ey.) Keep inspiring and loving those of us that adore you for you and I hope we do the same for you!
I love that photo, Robin. You are simply beautiful. And unfortunately, my collarbone and I have never made visual acquaintance. Sigh. Oh – this – more than your beautiful photo, I have come to love your joy, and your heart.
Kelly,
"Virtual burqas" ~ now THAT could be its own blogpost or series, couldn't it? Wanna hear a confession? I've been tempted to write people anonymously before; but I can't do it. I just can't. It feels cowardly and disingenuous. So sometimes I've braved something controversial, but other times I've not said a thing at all.
Here's the bottom line truth: I can take anything you say to me, even hard, convicting opinions, IF they're spoken in love or out of a genuine heartfelt concern. I hear judgment? My ears harden.
I’m behind you 100% on this, Robin. The Christian modesty movement is mind-boggling to me because it somehow puts women in charge of managing men’s thoughts, dehumanizes us in the process, and we all have different opinions about what constitutes modest dress. Some people will never be satisfied. Had this been a genuine concern, the commenter could have contacted you privately to express it. By posting it on not just one but two sites you write for, the heart behind the message is lost. It comes across as shaming and it’s just plain wrong. I love the story behind the red dress and I love you. Rock it out, friend.
Linds,
Gahrsh…you're too kind to me. Plus, you made me laugh with how you worded @ your colloarbone and you never making acquaintance :). That's worth at least two points 😉 :).
Jen,
Thank you for your encouragement this morning. As you know, I felt pretty naked when I read it at first; no, make that NEKKID because not only did I not have on clothes, CLEARING I was up to something unsavory! You make a great point in that we do have personal filters that shade and alter how we process; I'm good with where I landed. 🙂
Jen, Gosh your comment made me smile :D. But…..I think anyone who reads my responses to comments is going to tire of me "defending" the commenter (and I sorta can't believe I am!!!). Though *maybe* subconsciously she was asking me to change the picture for her comfort zone, I think as far as she knew, it was for the greater good. Maybe not…it wasn't like we had a dialogue about her perspective.
And YOU…I'm grateful for and adore YOU! 🙂
Barb!! 🙂 I coulda guessed your take on this. Man, I miss my German girls….so much more than you might suspect. Love to you (and HI! to all!!).
Emily,
Oy. That would be funny if it wasn't true :/. I can't imagine this person was jealous, though; who knows if she even knows the story behind the picture?? Based on how I read her comment, I gave her the benefit of a lot of doubt; her message would have been so much more credible with her name attached….
This makes me want to meet you face-to-face even more … because there is such wisdom in learning to hear what is unsaid and grace in longing to capture the heart of words when the words themselves may not be just what we prefer.
What a beautiful lesson to all of us … a two-fold lesson, of learning to listen well and learning to trust the hearts of others.
You are beautiful, inside and out.
I love the photo, too, Robin! You are beautiful – inside and out.
First, if you tried to live your life by how everyone else wanted you to act, behave, and be – then you’d be one unhappy and sad person. Never to be yourself? Praise be to GOD that we are individuals with our own thoughts, actions, and desires.
Maybe she’d have been happier if you were wearing a Burqa. And then – she’d be unhappy that you were Muslim.
I think it is an internet law – beware the Anonymous Commenter. If you can’t say something as yourself – then you shouldn’t say it at all!!!
I love you Robin – stay true to yourself and try to disregard Anonymous Comments. It’s hard, I know! But as the old saying goes “You can’t please all of the people all of the time” Stay TRUE TO YOURSELF!!!
Coming from a Christian woman with the clavicle of a ham, I say keep it. You look lovely and happy and I enjoyed hearing the story behind the photo. Anonymous comments backfire because there is no authority or accountability behind them. It’s noise. It’s hiding around a corner or behind mama’s legs. The words might ring out and make it to your ears, but you don’t know if they’re being said by a toddler or a madman.
I commend you for having the maturity to try to discern the heart and motivations behind the comment you received.
You know, as I read the commenter’s thoughts, I thought, “There’s an unsubscribe button. If you don’t want to see Robin’s picture, just unsubscribe.” Good grief. I think people really need to get a life.
I’m with Yvonne–you’re beautiful inside AND out. Shine!
Hey Robin, you know I actually don’t love anonymous comments either, BUT there are times when I think they’re ok. For example, in today’s Hope for the Weary Mom book club post I talked about the miscarriage I had in 2011, and at the end invited the readers to leave a comment if they had experienced pregnancy loss of any kind, including abortion. We have an anonymous commenter this morning that is experiencing such shame from her abortions that she couldn’t tolerate being known. I get that. And while my prayer is that she would eventually have the courage to step out from behind the curtain, and into the light, it’s just where she is right now.
So my comment really has nothing to do with your photo (which is beautiful!), and my reader isn’t calling me out on anything like yours was, but I wanted to point out that I believe there are some times when being anonymous is OK.
You’re fabulous 🙂
God created your body and your brain. He gave you talents thatyou use so well. He asks that you respect the body he gave you and this picture in no way diminishes that respect.
You have a powerful message that is accessible in part because you show the mischief.
It reminds me of our younger selves who had much to learn…
You and that dress are gorgeous! So glad to know that while you understand what her motives are/ were for suggesting a change, you aren’t going to succumb to anonymous pressure.
Bravo! You did a great job expressing this very valid point. I stand by you and applaud you writing this blog. This is such a non-issue, I have never once thought your photo was anything less than normal and beautiful. Plus, if anyone who reads you, knows your heart. Keep doing what you are doing. Thank you for sharing.
Robin,
Thanks for sharing your heart so honestly and transparently. It is true maturity and wisdom to seek
the heart (of giver or for receiver) behind any “unsettling” comment that flows our way.
Personally, I love your photo and…. your heart!
I am “practicing” the skill of not caring what others think of me (especially the anonymous ones!), but only what God thinks about me. I am not saying I discount Godly counsel from my accountability group of friends! But “anonymous comments” do not fall into that category….smile!
And I grew up in a town where my Mom would not allow us to hang out in our front yard with shorts on! Smile again!
oh bother. first, anonymous IS cowardly. secondly, judgement is ugly.
you are beautiful inside and out. appearances should not affect messages. i have tattoos and purple hair. does that make me rebellious and hard? or a Jesus freak? hear my message, then you will know my heart.
she should be ashamed of herself. and if she doesn’t like it…leave. it’s pretty simple.
i love the photo. i love you. the end.
Robin, I take just one exception to your post. In defense of the cowardly lion, I would like to point out that he did indeed have courage all along. These anonymous commenters lack what the cowardly lion had.
You say “shame on anonymous commenters,” and you are right; I suspect, though, that there may already be a great deal of shame IN them. These kinds of comments give us some information about the commenters, but none whatsoever about you. That comment is clearly not about you.
I say bravo to you for trying to listen to the commenter’s heart, for being gracious and trying to imagine what her intentions might be. That is good and kind of you, and it is a good reflection of YOUR intentions–which, after all, are the only intentions for which you can or ought to be responsible.
And I definitely vote that you should have fun with your photo and enjoy your red-dress wearing. And didn’t you know that bony clavicles are all the rage?!?
Your grace is beautiful. I would’ve issued a big old f’u and ranted about legalism. Your anonymous commenter is invited to take a stab at my life. 🙂
Consider the source and take for what it is worth! If the person that left the comment is offended then most likely something else you say or show will offend them too. I am really conservative (don’t wear spagehetti strap shirt conservative) but it is obvious to me a reader of about 2 weeks that you are in a formal of some sort and appropriately dressed for the occasion. And you felt pretty!!
When I had a clavicle …. sigh.
Funny, I’ve been reading your blog for ages, and that photo never made its way into any part of my psyche other than thinking you look gorgeous. You ARE gorgeous, from the inside out, and I say do what makes YOU happy. You only need to please yourself and owe this commenter nothing,
You and your clavicle are my inspiration, girlfriend! Rock that red dress!
What? Your picture is great.
Haters gonna hate.
That is all.
Hey, do you realize that the cowardly lion ALSO made it into the New York Times crossword today:
http://www.nytcrossword.com/2013/01/0130-13-new-york-times-crossword.html
My goal in life is to be able to do the NY TIMES CROSSWORD in 2 minutes. So I study the clues and try to capture the patterns. It also gives me a great quick lessons in pop culture, science and obscure data.
Anyways, I just thought it was funny that today’s theme was cowardly lion..
-Calypso
Shelly, Honestly? I've been surprised by response in comments, which tells me people might have read her comment with different ears than mine. (and thank you for alwaysalways supporting me!)
Brooke,
GREAT point! There *are* times when an anonymous comment is warranted, so thanks for bringing that up with a concrete example.
Martha,
I had to smile when I saw you weighing in on this; yes, you knew me when I *might* have been a wee bit more michievous. Mercy…a WAY bit more, eh? 😉 Shhhh!!
Becki, But I kinda did, didn't I? But not because of her pressure….because I was concerned about those who would NEVER venture to tell me what they thought. It's not a mountain to die on….(and thank you, friend!).
Cissy,
Thank you. "…anyone who reads you.." Yep, that's key in all of this. I think a few posts will paint a pretty good piccha of "who" I am; I t h i n k I'm consistent online vs my real life (except I'm more inclined to speak completely unfiltered IRL.)
Oh Jen…your mama sounds like a good 'un :). My dad made us parade in front of him to make sure our shorts weren't too short! Ha! I thought he was ridiculous but NOW I understand…
I wish I worried less about what people think of me; as a recovering pleaser, it's a battle (although the older I get, the less I care.)
Lisa,
S i g h…I miss you, your purple hair, your tats…come see me.
Oh, Richella,
You are wise, mature, and steady. What precious qualities to have :).
Oh, Michelle…you do my heart good. How rare is it to find someone who says what they REALLYREALLY think??
Hi Prasb2hm :),
Yep, there's a back story on the dress (if you click the links in the post, you'll see what I mean). It gives me some measure of comfort to know that you quickly understood my perspective :).
Pamela,
…when you made me laugh…
😉 🙂
Ilina,
Ahhh, I'm so glad you let me know…I had no idea you read my blog {{blushes and smiles happy}}. Thank you for your kind words, but I have to disagree with you on your last point: I owe the commenter a "thank you" because I had great delight in writing this post ;).
xo
Deidra,
Well, you KNOW how I feel about your…self 😉 :). xo
Calypso,
Ummm, that's impressive. I haz no Xword skilz. BUT very cool about the Cowardly Lion association. Veddy interesting indeed. #greatminds
OK, Robin, here’s the thing: we ALL know that anonymous commenters are hiding behind their anonymity (is that possibly spelled right?), and that they would never say something like that to your face. Just like me. Just like you. We don’t do/say things simply to hurt someone (at least, I hope not), but most of us aren’t afraid to leave our “calling card.”
So, say, “GRRR” to ms. no name, toss your head, and bust out with a “Fiddle dee dee” or two – we love you, and stand PROUD with your collarbones!
(I’m about to head over to your “slammogram” post & give you my own “top” ten)
love how you handled the comment, i have been scared to start my own blog because of people like that, and worse! i will borrow some of your strength and someday start my own site. and you’re beautiful and so is the message of your dress, rock on!