We've been married 25 years, a quarter century, over half our lives.
No matter how you phrase it, especially in our culture of divorce-made-easy, that's a looong time.
I like how my friend Patsy Clairmont puts it, "We've survived each other." If you know Patsy at all – through her blog, books or speaking – you can imagine how she delivers that line with an extra twinkle in her sparkly eyes. Oh, how I wish we were neighbors, to soak in her wisdom and spunk 'cause, surely, it can't help but splash off.
Far be it for me to put words in Patsy's mouth explaining what she means by "surviving each other" but for us it means celebrating and cherishing the good times and accepting and enduring the hard times.
God likely enjoyed himself when he matched the two of us, opposites in so many ways–except for we're both strong-willed and opinionated. Fuel on fireworks. I'd say we're lovers and fighters.
But I believe our love covers a multitude…
And I've learned sometimes you can't go over or around stubborn mountains, you've just gotta push through 'em…
And when I look at our amazing children I have no doubt that he was and is The One.
During my darkest season I understood how a woman could walk out the door, leaving a husband and children behind. Mind you, I didn't want to do that, but I was low enough to understand it and That Knowing rattled me to the core.
He loves and knows me like no other, and mostly that's good…but sometimes that can make life difficult. For instance, he never tells me what I want to hear, he tells me what I need to hear. A sword, double-edged.
Now mostly, I think it's dangerous to use words like "never" and "always" especially as they pertain to marriage; but in this case it's good because that means he's speaking truthfully.
Like the other day.
We went out to window shop sofas – our 20-year-old, saggy, re-upholstered sofa is now mostly serving as a bed for our sneaky-in-her-own-mind Australian Shepherd – and somehow ended up clothes shopping for me. Really, truly, this was no subversive plan by the wife…
but we were out…
the stores were there….
it's Memorial Day weekend and the SALES WERE SCREAMING AT US…
so I found myself in a dressing room trying on a pile of All The Clothes In The Store. Maybe minus one or two things, but I'm not so sure.
Speeding through the clothes pile like a well-trained Olympian, I started with shorts (the first pair fit, the rest RUDELY DID NOT) before moving on to skirts, capri's (score!) and jeans (holy heck, BETTER SCORE) and interspersed throughout, all manner of tees, tanks and shirts.
I was just about done when I discovered a pair of shorts, the shorter kind, the kind I've long given up because I'm a Golden Gal, and let's just say my thighs have always been generous compared to the rest of me, and particularly now since I was sidelined for several months with a knee injury, but this pair was cute and looked like a possibility, so I was giving them the ol' college try. Right? (breathe)
Except that buzzard of a husband of mine shook his head no and urged me not to try them. "You look better in capri's than shorts," he says, and "You know you aren't going to be comfortable in shorts that short…."
I was HIGHLY INSULTED AND INDIGNANT and his advice was GAUNTLET THROWN DOWN, A CHALLENGE TO BE WON, A DULL, UNIFORMED MIND THAT DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT–I'LL SHOW HIM bygoshbygolly–JUST YOU WAIT 'ENRY 'IGGINS, JUST YOU WAIT…!
So I slipped them on…
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And then I slipped them off.
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Before you get all judgy and think my husband dreadful for telling it like it is (was), take the golden nugget I offer:
Give your husband permission to tell you the truth. Always.
Because then you can trust if he tells you–
You don't look fat in those pants, you don't.
You look great in that (not short-short) outfit, you do.
He's struggling in an area, he trusts you enough to love him enough to help.
He loves you, he does.
Do you realize the way you react to him (if you don't care for what he says) can make him bite his tongue the next time you ask for his opinion? Or train him to speak in half-truths? Or give him reason to resent you not "allowing" him to share his heart? Or train him to suppress secrets he hesitantly (or desperately) wants to share? Subtle are the ways a wife can shut down her husband (I know this works both ways, but since I'm not a husband, I'll only speak to what I know….).
Consider yourself lucky if he's the guy who will rightfully tell you you do, in fact, look fat in those pants.
Don't get mad at or punish him (oh, I think you know exactly what I mean…) for telling you what he honestly
believes; doing so will make him hesitant to be honest the next time.
Sometimes your feelings will be hurt; and I hate that part for you and for me.
But what if you believed, really believed, that he had your best interests at heart?
Doesn't that change the way you hear him?
It's possible you don't even realize how you've denied him in the past (sometimes we'd prefer hearing what we want to hear, no?). It was on a road trip with my husband reading For Women Only where I first discovered the value of extending this kind of freedom and permission.
Give your husband permission to tell you the truth. He may never tell you thank you but I promise he'll be grateful.
I love this! (especially the fair lady hat tip)
YES! My husband knows I can handle the truth, and if I ask him, I want the truth. So he loves to bug me by replying, “Oh, I don’t know, honey. What do you want me to say?”
Insulting.
As women, we need to be strong enough to believe our husband’s best interest for us.
Oooh… such good stuff to think about, Robin. Thank you. (When I fretted about my long legs looking ridiculous in shorts one time, my husband-then-boyfriend replied, “Legs can’t be too long. Shorts can, however, be too short.” This story reminded me of that. 🙂 )
Ummmm. Ok. Yes. Thank you!
You are right! Preach it, sister.
You two sound SO MUCH like us. So much. 🙂
Sounds like your husband has some tact with the truth though…an example of my husband telling me the truth was one night after getting ready to go out, he looked at me strange…I had decided to go with a more trendy make up look with some colored eye shadow & a brighter, redder lipstick, I thought it may have been okay looking, but his look told me otherwise, so I asked what was up & he straight up told me I looked kind of clownish. I was like really, seriously? He was serious! So, I remembered he is the one I want to impress & look great for, so I cleaned my face a bit. All in all I love that he can be so straightforward with me, even if it will occasionally hurt my feelings.
Jessie Leigh,
What a WONDERFUL memory! While I’ve never known what it is like to fret over long legs (ha), your BFHusband had the PERFECT response. Glad to have helped you remember it again :).
🙂
Dawn,
Wha?????? ME? Preach?? #onlysometimes 🙂
Shelly,
Why doesn’t that surprise me?? And if definitely makes me nod and smile :).
Gina,
Keep in mind two things: a) I’m writing in a way to HONOR my husband and while *I* know his tone and demeaner, a reader could take it the wrong way; in other words, I absolutely understand the whole hurt feelings part of this (maybe I should go and edit my post, now that I think about it) because sometimes the way he delivers his message is (shall we say) direct. I wrote the spirit of his words more than verbatim. b) I love that you heard his heart and responded with grace (when maybe your instinct was otherwise); I sometimes get mad at my husband for having an opinion about what I’m wearing, etc., but HE IS the one I most want to please. I save *those* things he doesn’t care for for when I’m with friends or he’s not around. You’re a wise wife to cut through the junk (the stuff the enemy would love to use to hurt you and divide y’all) so KUDOS to you!!! 🙂
We’ve only been married 9 years, but I’d say we’re lovers and fighters, oh boy can we fight!! We dated just 10 weeks and probably didn’t get to know each other well.
I, too, have been in your season of disconetent wanting to just chuck everything and leave–go be by myself–be better off! But each time we make up he tells me he loves me & I see it in his eyes and manner. Through the years we are learning each other’s “love language” and becoming more connected. I love his constructive criticism about my dress, make-up & life in general. Do I always listen–NO! Should I–YES! He is smart, wise & very loving & I thank God Daily for my sweetie pie!
Completely true on this one! My sweet sweetheart always wants me to feel good about myself, but sometimes I truly want the truth! My problem is this: if I were to put on a pair of short shorts, or a short skirt, once his eyes snapped back into his sockets, he’d tell me that I look great! 3 hours later, as we exit our bedroom…… 🙂
Oh my VERD! Yes. 23….almost 24 years later…yes. Parallels are uncanny here and I still shout,whisper and nod…yes.
Are you sure you don’t live in my house Robin? You & your husband sound SO much like us! We’ve been married 30 years and we are 2 passionate people who aren’t afraid to love AND fight! My husband is honest to a fault. He has a gift for telling the truth that doesn’t win him any popularity contests but you always know where you stand. As much as I don’t always want to hear it, I do deeply value his honesty and I can trust that he will never tell me only what I want to hear but truly, what I need to hear. I won’t always agree and I’ll passionately defend my position but he’s usually right :)) Thank you for your honest post! I didn’t think there were many couples like us, ones who love and fight but I’m glad to see there are:) Blessings!
Beth,
Our husbands see us like no other, don’t they?
ELAINE!!!!
QUITE POSSIBLY MY FAVORITE COMMENT EVAH! You GO, girl!! xoxoxxx
Lorretta,
Oh my VERD!??? That just made me GRIN!
Kate,
ha…as I’m reading your comment, I’m thinkin’ we ARE a lot alike. There’s a lot of common ground out there on the internets; it’s fun when we discover it.
SUCH a good post. Matthew is so good about being honest with me, though I sometimes get mad and huff… he is always right though and in the end I am grateful for his honesty. 🙂 Just sometimes not in the moment!
Love this post! I think the problem with our marriage is that I sometimes make bad decisions and he goes along with it so as not to upset me. I have pleaded with him not to just agree with me all the time, simply for the sake of agreeing.
Would it be suicidal of me to send a link to this to my wife? (BTW, I used to frequent your blog, and only now re-discovered you when LinkedIn suggested I might know you via a 3rd-degree contact).
Jess,
Yeah…the shorts comment didn’t play that well when he said it, either (or a LOT of other things he’s spoken in truth…). But we are fortunate if we’ll have one of those guys who tries to tell us what he REALLY thinks; even if it takes us a while to hear, huh?
Good for you, Stacey, to see this! Maybe if you haven’t already done this, have a conversation with him when you AREN’T in the middle of one of those times; assure him that it’s okay to disagree (and then don’t punish him when he does 😉 :)).
Mark,
Welcome back :). Funny, those LinkedIn suggestions…
I would love for your wife to read this…as long as you are sending it in the right spirit :). To think this might be a conversation starter for healthy dialogue makes me even happier to have written it!!
🙂
Bit late to the gathering but OH MY how I needed to read this! My husband and I haven’t yet been married a year (but dated for 7 years)and I can see how years of negative responses from me have led to the biting of the tongue and, sadly, the half-truths and white lies too. I don’t want to imply that wives should excuse their husband’s dishonesty and blame themselves, but I do think we have a role to play in creating an environment in which our husbands can speak and share freely. Thank you!