On January 1st this year, I woke up in our guest bedroom, alone. I had injured my knee five days earlier, and still swollen, hurting and icing, it was easier to sleep in our only downstairs bedroom than navigating the hardwood mountain to my room.
Stretching awake, I smiled to realize It's a new year!
Still smiling, shooing cobwebs and rubbing sandy eyes clean, I remembered the spectacular game the night before.
Then, suddenly aware of the fire in my knee, my smile quickly turned south and brought with it my sobering reality:
My 50th birthday was 89 days away.
A single word escaped my lips. It was ugly and had four letters.
It was the first time in my life I had dreaded my birthday.
* * *
Because I look younger than my age and feel younger than my age, I sometimes forget my age.
This can be problematic, but it took me a long, long while to understand this.
I'll try to explain.
First, let's remember I'm a recovering people-pleaser. While I've made great strides toward recovery since I understood this about myself, my natural inclination is to want you to like me. It manifests itself one way in real life comings and goings, but differently in my online life.
Only recently did I realize how this affected my writing; I've been hesitant to write about topics that made me different from "you".
Now this is where it gets crazy and a little rambly, so bear with me.
Blogging changed when anonymous bloggers began meeting one another in real life.
When I started blogging eight (are you kidding me?) years ago, it was different. We didn't use our real names or if we did, we certainly didn't use our last. Smart bloggers made up names for their children and spouses; I rebelled against that one because cutesy-wootsy has never been and will never be my style. I guessed DH meant "Dear Husband" but I never was sure, and do I dare admit it got on my last nerve?
If a blog wasn't password protected, it was rare to post pictures of yourself and children. Sure, there were exceptions, but my word–there was no such thing as selfies or a daily chronology of your baby's first year or weekly pregnancy tummy updates! My avatar was a picture of my feet and I was fine with that. Eventually, when I finally did post a picture of myself (and time is a little short or I'd link to all these things…), one of my favorite comments EVER was when Willowtree said, "Whoa…" because he was expecting Delta Burke (because he could tell I was Southern and he's Australian???). Still makes me grin to think on that one. The first time I met a blogger, a designer who lived half an hour away, we were both relieved not to come face to face with an ax murderer.
Fast forward to the Blissfully Domestic years, when I was an editor for the ezine's inaugural faith channel for a bit, and then part of the Blissdom conference at its inception and first few years.
It seems like a lifetime ago. So…much…life has been lived during this time (most of which I've never written about here. Yet.).
In a nutshell, once regional blog conferences started happening and bloggers began meeting one another [also through many other venues like trips and brand partnerships I won't get into here], online relationships evolved into real life friendships, and relational lines weren't blurred they were erased!
All the while collaborative sites began emerging, and I happened to make some wonderful choices when I said yes to joining incourage, Simple Mom and Deeper Story/Family (and, though on indefinite haitus, I love Megan Jordan's Story Bleed). The relationships among contributors within a site grow organically.
What I didn't notice is that practically all of my online-to-real-life friends are younger than me; the majority not by a year or two but by 10…15…20 years. For some, the gap is wider.
Did you hear that? I didn't notice. And that is key.
Women have a tendency to connect; I've written about it in my two most recent posts.
When we meet someone, immediately we begin looking for common threads. If we look long enough and don't find a connection, we'll move on; but if there's a bindable tie, we'll find it and hold tight.
Amazing doors have been opened to me as a result of my writing. I'm humbled, grateful and aware that it's my responsibility to steward these gifts well. I do not take them for granted.
But despite these good things — opportunities that I'm afraid have caused others to "feel less" than or struggle with envy because they weren't asked to take part in whatever "it" was — I have found myself feeling the void! On the things I wasn't invited to join, or sites for which I wasn't asked to contribute, or whatever it is that she got to do that I didn't!
Isn't it insane? And incredibly ugly??
It has never been a case of me not being thrilled for another's success or opportunity; but more about what did I do wrong not to be included? Why was I overlooked or dismissed or forgotten?
I've received these imagined slights as outright rejection. I've taken personally things which had nothing to do with me.
Cue the crazy music…banish me to a rubber room!
Why is it so much easier to believe lies that shred our heart? Why do we assume all manner of rejection that I'm here to tell you does not exist?!
And then a friend gently reminded me that I'm forgetting that I'm 50, in a totally different stage of life than so many of my online friends.
A splash of cold water in my face…just what I needed to come to my senses.
It's not that these friendships aren't valid or good or precious to me! My affections run deep for the people in my life, regardless of age. But there are certain, shall we say tendencies?? associated with stage in life, a general mindset depending on your age.
I have some things o say about aging and midlife but I've resisted fleshing it out in my writing because I didn't want you to notice that I'm older than you. That I'm not like so many of you. And I think part of that is wrapped up in my need to be liked and for us to connect and I've feared driving away younger readers because Holy hell, Robin is old, and *I'm* 20 years away from menopause!
Until recently, I could not see what I was wrestling with; even now, I only see it in part.
There are a few of you who are fanning a flame inside of me (recently Mollianne, Lib, Jill, Kelly, Gina, Crystal, Beth…) who are convincing me I need to step out, be brave, chart new waters. Share what I know, what I'm learning, what this side of the hill looks like.
There are four Divine whispers in my ear…four things that are pressing in…four things I think I'm supposed to pay attention to:
1) Listen. This one has been stirring for almost a year, coming first to a friend in a dream about me.
2) Cease striving.
3) Give from your void.
4) Lead out.
I'm not sure what they all mean but I am sure they have something to do with Holy work.
I'm not exactly sure when, but sometime today or tomorrow my blog is going offline while my designer works hard to help me change into a new outfit (I think you'll still be able to read if you go to http://pensieve.typepad.com).
When I return, I hope you'll sense the fire in my belly, an abandon and strength that is not my own. A change of heart. New direction…
The Wonder of a Woman…
Robin Dance dot me.
Can. Not. Wait. (Every time you say you’re 50, I hear a southern accented Sally O’Malley. Which makes me very happy)
Love this. Love.
I do not feel so bad now. I am 60 and I love your blog. I have noticed too that there are a lot of young ones out there who have blessed me so with their words.
I love this. I just turned 45 and find that most of my friends (online and offline) are younger than I am. Yet I never feel old. I still feel like my 22 year old self…until I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window and see my mother staring back at me.
I’ve always known you were older than me, but in a good way. Like a big sister kind of way. I’ve loved watching your story unfold and blossom and I’ve learned so, so much from you. Thanks for being you (and for not being an ax murder)!
The 54 year old me loves the 50 year old you and I look forward to what you will write about aging and Holy things and the whispers of the Spirit. You go girl. I am cheering you on.
You still have the fire…..
Robin, I’ll steal and modify Chuck’s line when he turned forty several years ago. You’re still 18 with 32 years of experience. Bring it on!!
You could be 100 and your spirit would still shine brightly!! Looking forward to seeing the new blog! xo
So excited to see you finally go in this direction. I’ve been wondering when you would fully embrace what you have to offer.
Love you!
Well, good for you, my dear Robin. Being (or turning?) fifty is not a thing to fear or be ashamed of. You’ve lived longer than most of those you hang with – good for you!!! I look forward to more writing from those four areas of revelation and I commend you for jumping in with both feet. (You can always tell yourself that you’re NOWHERE NEAR AS OLD AS I AM.) :>)
Honey, I feel ya.
I still have those moments of wonder when I realize that I am often the oldest one in a room full of women! Two things have been helpful to me re: accepting and embracing that reality– my newest, dearest, gets-all-my-references friend is my age (oK, sorta– I still have a couple of years on her!), AND I have been embracing getting to know and becoming friends with some remarkably interesting, funny and wise women in their 70’s. I am still surrounded with lots and lots of women younger than I am, which I love, but wow– it is really, really cool to have a comrade-in-arms to navigate this stage of life with, and to also put myself in younger-than position with some amazing older women.
I’m kind of loving my 50’s. Go figure.
Hey y’all ~
I WILL reply personally but a) I’m having major wifi issues and b) I’m literally running out the door so time won’t permit right now. That being said, I wanted to thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I felt a little naked after I posted this, but re-reading I’m still sure of the heart behind it. It’s heartwarming to know at least some of my friends HEARD what I was trying to express. Which is everything :).
xo
This makes me smile ear to ear. I love to see a woman living well, to continue to grow and dive deep and refine and share what they’re learning and what they’ve learned.
Love you so much, Robin.
(cue yoda voice) Darling. You are. {{present tense – right now!!}}
You’ve always been about Holy Work – I’ve never read a post I didn’t feel was inspired…His words through your clicking “publish” never cease to amaze me. That He’s bringing you around to be a more complete and authentic picture doesn’t surprise me. Glad you’ve been granted the grace of “YES!!”
Oh, Robin, you know I resonate with most, if not ALL, of what you’ve written here. I’m excited to see how you maneuver these days and years. You’re a great role model for those “younger” moms, but also to me. 🙂 Sending you so much love. Know that I will be here, reading, commenting, and wishing, just like you, for something more.
So I think, my friend, that those of us in this half-century club have something special to contribute.
God bless you, girl, as you listen. For sure there’s holy work to be done.
Robin,
I resonate with most of what you wrote here. Want to please people to the max. Yes, I am close to 50(48). Most people don’t think I look a bit my age, nor do I feel it.
I can’t wait to see your new blog. Love reading about women and women’s issues. Talk about your life and what’s going on–the good, bad and ugly. I can relate to some of it.
You have a lot to tell these younger and perhaps older people. I am constantly learning from you. God bless you adventures!
Playing catch up over here and Robin, I love your strength, your wisdom, and your grace. Can’t wait to see your new space! Thank you for all the ways you serve the body of Christ. <3
I so appreciate the fact that you are older than me. 🙂 I look to you for guidance especially with teenagers as we are about to sail down that hill! You have 3 amazing kiddos so you must have figured out a few things that I would be wise to listen to! 😉 So please keep sharing your wisdom! Love ya, girl!
This sounds a little like me – turned 51 in May and yes, I forget that I am *that* age! Leave it to a mirror to remind me. Sigh. Looking forward to the new direction, Robin!
Robin, I laughed out loud to Jills reference of 50 & Sally O’Mally!!! I think womanhood draws us all together despite our age. There are days when I read some blogs & ask myself “what am I doing here!!?? I’m 62, & feel lie I don’t belong, but oh, how I STILL can LEARN or mentor to those younger. Your blog is a blessing & you are a gift! Thank you!!