Don't let their saccharine smiles and sibling affection fool you for a second; these are evil, evil children and I'm quite ready to sell them to the circus.
Today.
Justification #1 – The girl {aka "my former daughter"}
My first gray hair appeared when I was 24, shortly after our wedding. I'm not saying one had anything to do with the other, but it was a memorable year. Those pesky intrusions were easily managed for years–ignoring them first, then yanking them out a strand at a time–but recently I've resorted to {ahem} "taking care of them" at a lovely local salon.
It's past time for a cut and color. Noticeably past time. Very.
Getting ready for bed the other night, I pulled back my hair, shocked to see the streak of silvery "blond". Standing next to me, my daughter read my expression (my daughter who doesn't quite understand why I feel the need to color my hair).
With a sympathetic look, she said, "It's okay, Mom. You look like a distinguished older woman."
Justification #2 – the boy {aka my former son}
Headed to the beach, bathing suit already on, I was coating my body in sun screen. My son, 12, walked up to me, playfully and totally entertained, patted me on my upper thigh and said, "Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle."
My responses to the above scenarios?
- Anybody want a pair of housebroken kids?
- Apparently, they'll be shipping me to a home before the end of the month.
- Crap! If they see this stuff, so does everyone else!
- NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Just like "that", I've morphed into "The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe"; I think she was on to something when she "whipped them all soundly and put them to bed." And, I was re-thinking that whole "teach your kids to be honest" thing until I thought about "The Emperor's New Clothes"…I could SO see them telling me what I "wanted" to hear, right on the day I accidentally walked out of the house forgetting to get dressed. "Wow, Mom…I bet you'll be the only one with THAT outfit on…!"
Have your kids ever told you the painful truth??? Please tell me I'm not the only one!!
LOL!! Sorry, I’m not laughing AT you, honest!!
Just be thankful it took this long for them to tell you and you’ve been able to enjoy your {former} children in oblivion up to this point. My kids (9,6,3) often point how where/how/how much I jiggle and comment on my gray streak.
“Wow, mom…you’ve got a LOT of gray!”
“Wow, mom…your bottom is REALLY BIG.”
“Wow, mom…your sides are all jiggly.”
“Wow, mom…your legs are REALLY white.”
Sigh. Yes. I know.
Let’s see my dear former daughter my the girl lets me know all the time I need to lose weight and get healthy, ooh and I cant count the times she has commented on my hair.
not exactly the same.my angel was only 2 1/2 yrs old when I was holding her as I stood in line at the drug store. A lady standing in front of us was minding her own business when my sweet darling looked right at her and said, “You’re fat just like my nana”! I was holding her in my arms as she said this, so I couldn’t step away from her and give her the “I wonder who’s rude little imp you are” look. Instead I stood there, my cheeks molten lava, and waited for the woman’s response. She took the high road and gracefully accepted my daughter’s “compliment” and said she was sure my girl only meant to say that she “reminded” her of her nana. My daughter is 26 yrs old now and hardly ever embarrasses us in public any more, but I do stay a few feet away from her (just in case)!
Ohhh just this morning as I was doing my “sweet” daughter’s hair, she pointed at my arms (which are comPLETELY toned by the way, *smile*), and said, “Momma, what is THAT?” to which I merely grunted something back to her, since my teeth were full of her ponytail scrunchie since I was doing her hair, afterall. (eyeroll)
Sighhh.
hehehe….I did one better to my grandmom-I’d ask her to hold her arm up and then I’d jiggle bit hanging down. Oh, that was great fun for my 5 year old self!! >:)
my son is brutally honest at times with everyone, not just me. we’re trying to teach him the fine art of tact. of course i am usually the one who gets the brute of his honesty. 🙂
Sounds like they take after their Dad.
Yep, my boy loves to point out my jiggly belly. I lovingly remind him that HE was the 11 lb. baby that made it that way!
Sell ’em to the circus, I say!
Okay – so yeah… Seven years ago I had weight loss surgery. I’ve lost 220 pounds. That’s a lot of pounds. I’d love to have some plastic surgery done some day to have the excess skin removed – would REALLY love it. But you know what? I’m healthy! I’m active! I can wear bermuda shorts! I can wear a sweater!
One day in the car with my children I was driving in such a way that my arm was on the top of the steering wheel – causing the “batwing” to hang fairly obviously – I mean I was in the CAR with my FAMILY – it was HOT – I didn’t have to wear a sweater to shield the kids from the excess skin, did I?! My son, being the snot that he is, pokes at it and giggles. “That’s funny!” I sighed and said, “Yeah, hilarious. Some day I’ll find the money to head off and have my plastic surgery done!” He looked at me and said, “Really? Do you think you need it?”
My teenaged daughter quickly interjects, “ARE YOU KIDDING?! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HER NAKED! YES! SHE NEEDS PLASTIC SURGERY – A *LOT* OF PLASTIC SURGERY!”
Good thing I workes so diligently to make sure they were truthful children, huh?! LOL!
There are days when I feel the need to sell my kids for being so honest, too. Sigh. Now that they’re 11 and 14, I think we need to do some serious work on the difference between brutal honesty and tact – and why you need tact even when dealing with Mom!!
My 4yo informed me my belly was “floppy”, “squishy” and made a nice pillow.
Yep my 3 year old is constantly telling me I have a big belly and asking me if we are having a baby!
PS you ex-kids are beautiful! Your (former) daughter looks just like you!
Aaron, giving me a hug, then pulling back and rudely informing me I really needed to go take a shower. Little imp.
Oh my 5 year old said to me while we were watching The Biggest Loser…mommy, you are this big (holding his hands out showing how wide he thinks I am) and you should be this big (holding his hands much closer together). I responded – thank you so much sweetie…you always say the nicest things to mommy. I don’t think he caught my sarcasm.
That’s the “joy” of kids for ya…their honesty! My 4yo looked at my gut the other day and asked me if there was a baby in there. *OMG!*
At our church potluck yesterday, they allowed anyone 70 or older to go up first to get food. My seven year old said, “That’s you, Mommy!”
Yeah, thanks, kid.
My daughter isn’t old enough to break my heart like this. Yet. But last week, I visited friends whose oldest daughter is 3. When I sat down at the dining room table, the chair kind of rocked strangely, and I said, “What’s the deal with the chair?” And their darling daughter said, “You’re real big.”
Thank you, dear. I hadn’t noticed. 😛
Oh, I’m so old . . . the rest of you sound awfully young 🙂
My youngest is going off to college in just a few months and he could tell me my hair’s a frizz bomb, my breath stinks and I look like a sumo wrestler and I would STILL insist, on going with him. 🙂
When he was about 4 he told some of the ladies in our church that I had a new skirt on and it was a size 12 (like he knew that was some great accomplishment!) Never take your kids shopping with you!
On a side note, I would like to be a size 12 everywhere now.
I still have serious doubts that you could possibly be older than me and have children that are teen-agers…I can only hope I look as good at 45 as I did at 30 and that’s still no where close to how good you look now. I mean really lady, it’s obvious you have taken care of yourself and there’s no shame there…..