It is rare for me to blog about fashion, but desperate times call for drastic measures. C l e a r l y, my services are needed.
Allow me to explain by beginning with a question ~
SINCE WHEN DID CRACK GET PUT ON THE MENU?!
Seriously, what was once reserved for babies with a loaded diaper, plumbers at work, and art-imitating-life Saturday Night Live skits is now on prominent display at any mall in America, or for cryin' out loud, inches from your knee caps at Friday night football or your kid's Saturday morning soccer match! Almost makes me wanna reach for my credit card for a swipe to see if I can get cash back…!
I don't care if you're a 19-year-old hard body, your vertical smile is not your best feature. Not that it's your worst feature, but really…DOES IT EVEN COUNT AS A FEATURE?
I used to think, "Well, just don't buy low-rise pants," but that's not the answer. While I'm no slave to fashion, I like to stay reasonably current; low-rise has been around for years. In the past I'd say, "If you keep having to pull your shirt down, then your pants are too low (or your shirt is too short), but DAGGUM IT–YOU CAN TRY ON A PAIR AT THE STORE AND THEY'LL FIT PERFECTLY FINE, BUT THEN YOU GET 'EM HOME, SIT DOWN AND BAM! Three inches of the great divide.
It's hardly sanitary.
It's getting as bad as the difference between bathing suit shopping and bathing suit wearing. CAN I GET A WITNESS?
But ladies and gentlemen, I think I have a solution to our little gluteus maximus cleavage peekage, and the idea came to me yesterday at my kids' school where EVERYONE was decked out in 80s regalia as part of Spirit Week. Oh, my…let's start with the make up (I carved my initials in someone's eye shadow); and WHERE DID THESE KIDS GET THE JELLIES AND DAY GLO JEWELRY? Oh, yes! praise to the hairspray gods for Big Hair and side ponytails; parachute pants and acid washed jeans and cut-out Flash Dance sweatshirts and the LEGWARMERS DON'T FORGET THE LEGWARMERS! And, I swear to goodness, that Members Only jacket HAD to still be hanging in their daddy's closet!!
The funny thing is no one was wearing my solution to over-crack exposure, but all the 80s fashion and accessories prompted me to remember 70s fashion, and TA-DA!!! I've got it!
The body shirt.
I remember wearing them back in the day when low-rise pants were in style the first time, except then they were called "hip huggers". Marcia Brady wore 'em. I'm pretty sure I remember Mary Tyler Moore wearing body shirts, too.
You had to! WHAT SELF-RESPECTING WOMAN WOULD EXPOSE HER PERSONAL MAIL SLOT??
Le s i g h….
I feel sorry for teenage guys these days; how are they supposed to exercise self control–even mental self control–if girls are walkin' around with their pants showin' off half their rear? Parents have lost their collective minds to let their daughters out of the house with their butts on display.
But I digress…bottom line? (the puns are slayin' me, I tell ya, SLAYING ME!) If they don't bring back the body suit, there's only one other solution:
Just say no to crack.
And to celebrate the good ol' days–when appliance repairmen were the only people who felt the need to share their cracks with the world–enjoy Dan Aykroyd in one of my favorite Saturday Night Live skits.
I realized some of my plus size friends were landing on this fabulous fashion advice post, and I've stumbled across a site you're going to love, one devoted specifically to Plus Size Women's Clothing. They probably don't have body suits but they're gonna have just what you're looking for.
Hat tip to my Twitter pals who helped me come up with all the "crack" euphemisms! Mouse over their name to see what each contributed ~ @notdiyheather, @debontherocks, @TeriLynneU, combined these for one of my own: @BlakeMcCrary, @JessicaGottlieb, @traceysoloman and a whole lot of more funnies that didn't quite fit.
I’m with you. My personal issue is showing the underwear over the tops of the jeans when I bend over. I’ve learned I can’t wear Victoria’s Secret underwear. Virtually EVERY pair I’ve tried offers… um… challenges for me in this regard. Aren’t you glad I shared?
you “crack” me up! great post, I totally agree, I have such a hard time finding pants for my daughter because it seems they are all cut way too low
LOL! You are brilliant…love this!!!
Robin, you are in TOP form today. Dare I say you crack me up? Oh darn; I see Kim got there ahead of me. Or, rather, I’m BEHIND the 8 ball. Heh.
Amen sistah!
LOL, you can actually buy shirts like that from the Victoria’s Secret catalog! Now, if only they would catch on with the young people…hehehe
So funny! I totally used to wear body shirt in college! I HATE tucking shirts in because they always inch out, and with my day, I can never find pants that don’t expose the grand canyon. Please, fashion companies, take heed!
ROTFL!!!! Oh my goodness! That was hilarious – of course it CRACKED me up . . . alone with everyone else. And bodysuits!! I forgot all about those. They were da bomb! Great post, Robin!
love ya’ crazy woman!
Dianne
That looks like an adult onesie to me, like my 2 month old wears. While my wife was preggers, we discussed the potential of marketing maternity-like jeans as work jeans for the plumber/worker clientele. It could work here too. Go onesie, or go jeans with stretchy top. (The latter would work as well for a beer belly as it does for a baby bump.)
LOL! I had one of these, in 1996, wore it with my low-wasted, faded with a whole in the knee, baggy jeans and my black Doc Martens. Also with my long straight hair parted in the middle and green John Lennon sunglasses. A la “70’s meets grunge.”
I was a mess. 😉
When I was a kid, we called them body suits. Maybe that’s a regional thing? Anyway. I smiled when I read “vertical smile.” Great post!
Oh, haha, Robin. You had me there for a second. When you asked when did crack get put on the menu, I thought there was a new restaurant selling street drugs for dessert.
I don’t like looking at my own crack, much less someone else’s. Ew. Don’t they know what comes out of a crack?
This was way beyond hilarious! I wore body suits in Junior High–never had to worry. 🙂
You are so right, though, it as seriously become an epidemic. Crack Kills, y’all!
I seriously have been looking for one of these. I hate the crack!
My only problem is that I have a very long torso, which causes front wedgies with these bad boys.
Not good, not good.
Love this. Just the laugh my flu-addled brain needs. And I hate how you think they fit fine at the store, only to wear them out and realize you have fallen victim to the disease.
This post is made of AWESOME! Love it!!
u r absolutely hysterical! LOVE IT!!!! And I do so wish they would come back!
You are in rare form today! LOL! Too funny. Where do I get one of those?
crack and muffin tops. (Especially if it’s your waitress!)
Oh, yes, I remember those well. I thought I was the coolest person in high school when I wore my first body shirt. I have started seeing them in catalogs, too. Wonder if they’ll catch up??
Ah, the adult onesie. I had those when I was in high school and thought I looked HAWT (for the record, they were from Victoria’s Secret’s mail order catalogue). I think I saw recently on a “fashions for fall” segment that higher rise jeans are coming back because higher rises hide muffin tops better. Or something.
But, this post? Hi-larious. Love it. Keep on doing it, Robin!
You wore 'em in COLLEGE? Where the heck did you find 'em?? I can still remember the navy one I had in 5th grade; it had an attached floral collar. Let's just say my class picture was six shades of groovy 😉 :).
Me thinks I know why you're not in fashion, Mike. Then, again, I absolutely thought about weaving the concept of "onesie" into this post….I think I just forgot about it along the way. Ha!
1) I could NOT remember whether to call it a body suit OR a body shirt! When I found this one on Etsy, I went with what they said (see link); 2) I've gotta edit this post with HTs to the girlieQs who fed me "crack lines" (lol) on Twitter!! It helped spur me on to finish it!
I've had girls (students) tell me they won't wear high waisted pants because they "won't feel right"; I know it'll take adjusting, but even an inch or two higher makes a difference. And I bet you WERE HAWT!! 🙂
How weird is this? I replied to EVERY comment on this post so far and most of ’em aren’t showing up? What’s up with that? Wondering if y’all got ’em by email (where I was replying from….).
Bueller??
You said…..
MAIL SLOT!
***faints***
Such a fun read . . . but powerful. I like the powerful–what are parents thinking? Or they’re obviously not. 🙁 Having three sons (and a husband for that matter) it’s hard to even go out in public without being “accosted w/temptation.” Thank you for making me feel like I’m not a lone “concerned mama” out there. So glad others feel the same way.
Ally fainted on the mail slot–I’m fainting on the DEBIT Card–even I’m not THAT hard up for cra- . . .er cash!!
On another note, have you seen the new Ralph Lauren ad? Bonnie Hunt posted it on her facebook page–low rise jeans on an anorexic. http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/photo.php?pid=2866741&id=25313536937 I hope it was photoshopped, the head was way to big for the body–but somebody probably had that body. So scary.
Sorry for length–had the “body suits” as well 🙂 Made restroom trips a little tedious in school days, I’ll tell ya!
The first part of your comment made me both wince & smile (depending on which phrase I was on). And funny that you should mention the Ralph Lauren ad…I wrote about it right after THIS post!! (Title begins with "Excuse me?!…"). Insanity reigns.
Sorry for the wince part 🙂 On insanity reigns . . . SERIOUSLY!!
OMG.. you are killing me LOL! I so remember wearing these in the 6th grade. This post is literally leaving me LOL. You so rock.
OMG…LOL! I had one of those shirts! Honestly…it probably would be a good thing to bring em back. I have for awhile now lamented the ever rising skirts/shorts, lowering neck and waist lines to the ever increasing amount of skin being shown. Thanks for the really funny blast from the past while addressing an issue that needs to be considered more seriously.
you are cracking us all up…. 🙂
That is hysterical! I remember bodysuits 🙂 I wore them with pride.
Robin, you crack me up darlin’ girl xoxo
You crack me up! I will say – one of Donna Karan’s MUST-HAVE ESSENTIALS in her 7 easy pieces in the 80s was a BODY SUIT! I have to say, I used to love them. I remember wearing them in high school (the height of 90210) when Donna and Kelly wore them with low slung jeans. Yes, I totally tried to copy the look and feel. Hopefully I nailed it some days… I’m all for it. Bring them on back!! I adore you!! xoxo
I miss the body suit. very very much. 🙁