You might hate me for what I’m about to tell you, but I think it’s in your best interest To Know. Mind you, I’m giving you the benefit of warning, a few seconds to steady your footing. When I was told, on the other hand, my well-meaning friends–men–thoughtlessly dumped it in my lap like it wouldn’t boulder-crush my heart, at least temporarily.
Eventually, after Unsolicited Parenting Advice Shock diminished, I decided that although it felt better to be a blissfully ignorant ostrich, it wasn’t actually better.
In other words, I’ve had the benefit of 10-15 years to acclimate to these realities:
- By the time your Littles celebrate their 10th birthday, they will already have lived over half the life they’re going to under your roof.
- You’re not raising your children for yourself, you’re raising them for someone else.
There. I’m feeling your repugnance, your revulsion, your rage. How DARE I compel you to think about such things! You were fine living in the moment or perhaps longing for the day your toddler might take a first step, tie her shoes, wipe his own behind!
My morning started with a reality check–
I’m closer to changing my grandchildren’s diapers
than my own children’s diapers.
My daughter has 179 days left of high school and dangerously soon she’ll wear the face of 18. Gaze fixed on blue skies, she’s already fluffing her wings.
My son is venturing into new territory–he’s driving, attending a new school, and his chin rests too comfortably on top of my head. Though I hold him with open hand, it trembles. Imperceptible to him (I hope), but reverberation that rattles my core.
While I’ll never stop parenting (is that possible?) I realize this phase of being a mom is almost over.
Damn. That hurts.
I’m good with that, really I am, but what comes naturally isn’t always easy.
I’ve never been a smother-mother; this overwhelming desire to clinch the reins of time to s l o w i t d o w n frustrates me. I’m at the center of the spectrum of “letting go” and “holding tight” and I’m torn.
Maybe, at least in part, that’s why God knows sometimes I need my own, front yard miniature rainbow.
So…today is “back to school” for two of my three; I will be at the bidding of my youngest who most likely has an agenda of his own. That makes me smile.
I wouldn’t dare tell you how to parent and I realize every family is different, but hearing those pieces of advice years ago have helped me navigate through the years. Hold on to what helps, toss what doesn’t fit and remember “this too shall pass”…the good times, and when you’re at the end of your Mama-rope? The not-so-good, too.
Good gracious…I sound like a cliche! Whatever. All I know is you, like me, will be right where I’m sitting just as soon as you…
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*
*
blink.
oh noooo you’re mothering is not over. You actually enter into a whole new arena of motherhood. More learning to do..learning how to give them more freedom, less decision making for them, more grace to shower them with. Because they WILL make mistakes and we can’t say ‘I told ya so’ if we plan to have an open door to console their broken hearts or offer our two cents later.
My daughter just turned 18. And she’s talking about saving money to buy a trailer to drive around the nation in. GASP what?? I asked. sigh*** ok my advice? At least get a guard dog to take with you.
Read this while enjoying *even more* the sound of 3 pretend playing in the living room “fort” and feeling 1 bounce around in my belly. Precious moments…
(Thanks for the reminder!)
what a great perspective, Robin – mine are 11, 7 & 5 and I get glimpses now and then of what I think the future might look like. And, then I remember, we only have today – tomorrow isn’t promised … so we hold fast to our children and love them the best we can, point them to the One who loves them best of all and pray – just pray
Amazing how much time passes in the blink of an eye.
My littles are only 4 and 2 and I admit there are days where I CAN’T WAIT for it to be their bedtime. Then, when they are snuggled in their beds and fast asleep I creep in just to spend more time with them! I don’t want to stop time but thinking about a time when they won’t need me as much does make me a little sad. Thanks for the reminder to live in the moment with them
Gulp. Wow, a blink of my eye? My littlest is sitting on the couch watching Snow White. She had her 2 year old shots a couple of hours ago. I had all 3 boys in tow at the doctor’s office. This makes me smile: “Hold on to what helps, toss what doesn’t fit and remember “this too shall pass”
Beautifully real and very scary post! Wonderful truths for my mothering heart.
I saw your tweet this morning about raising your children for someone else. I kept coming back to it, savoring it like a piece of dark chocolate. Those are the kinds of words of wisdom that reverberate within my soul.
Thank you for sharing, even if you did make me tear up.
Oh my friend! Can I tell you that when my daughter turned 9 almost 2 years ago I had a similar epiphany: “It’s halfway done!” It was a reality check I desperately needed … and with every year that passes, I pray I am showing her more and more of the eternal truths. Yes, we bake bread together … but we also break the Bread together as we study the Word. I’m teaching her to clean house but I hope even more that she’s learning to keep a clean heart. These years will soon be past and her grown-up life will have begun … and while that makes this momma’s heart ache deep within, it also reminds me what a joy it will be to make that transition from parent to friend!
I needed this today, feeling increasingly frustrated with my preschooler. Oh how it frightens me how soon this will be over. Thank you.
Oh honey, I’m one year ahead of you and, believe me, you’ll need some kleenex next year. I ran into a friend the other day whose son is leaving for college this week, and she said, “I can’t stop crying.” I’m not quite that bad, but these shifts in life kind of kick me in the gut. Ugh.
It’s a dirty, rotten trick. Seriously.
My daughter will be 10 this year. If the next 10 go as fast as the last 10, I better start stocking up on Kleenex now. I’m gonna be boo-hooing any day now!
I know you’re right, Robin. I see it when my kids are settling into their beds and I see with fresh eyes how much they’ve grown (are growing) and how quickly it’s all going by.
But dang, some days, it’s hard to remember this at 4:45 when everyone is melting down.
The days are long but the years are short, yes?
A great perspective, thanks for posting this
lifeofperks.blogspot.com
Our pastor always says, “You aren’t raising children, you are raising adults.” I keep that in mind when I am losing my mind.
I just wrote a similar post…it is going by way too fast. I am going to link your post to mine…glad to know I am not in this stage of parenting alone *sniff*
Motherhood takes on so many forms, yet the popular image is of a youngish mom being their for her single- and low-double-digit kids while they navigate the world from early childhood to just-adulthood.
As I watch my grey-haired mom navigate her world, alone, I realize that definition that governed my own understanding of motherhood – indeed, of parenthood – is woefully inadequate.
I’ve stood a head taller than my mom for a generation. She no longer needs to feed me or make sure I get dressed and get out the door in the morning. Yet the role she plays in my life remains a giant one. It’s evolved, and it isn’t as tangibly obvious as it was when I was a munchkin. But she’s as much my mom as she was then. Only different.
I bet she counted the days, too, held on to them like precious grains of sand before they fell into the bottom half of the hourglass. And lamented the day I left home for the final time.
Thank you for the opportunity to ponder the myriad facets of one of the most important roles in the entire human experience.
Hey Sisterlisa,
Oopsie, I never intended to imply that :). (My original phrasing had said "this PHASE of parenting…" but I've even gone back and clarified further so no one would think I meant you STOP mothering! God definitely is accomplishing a work in parents through their relationship to their kids. Love your humorous spin at the end of your comment….I giggled! 🙂
Oh…Amy…now I WANNA COME PLAY IN A LIVING ROOM FORT!! That was one of my FAVORITE imaginary things to do as a child :). Thanks for jogging that memory!
Mela, I don't think it's bad or wrong to imagine their future, just not the wisest thing to live for it (because of what you pointed out). I think it's impossible to pray "too much", don't you? I guess that's why scripture tells us to pray without ceasing. LOL, kids make that a little easier! 😉
Laurie, and daggum it, it speeds up the older you get! 😉
Diana, I've been *right* where you are. It makes me a little crazy when a mom suggests she never needs a break from her kids; but that's another conversation I suppose. I'm in that season where my kids "don't need me as much"; sometimes it's wonderful and sometimes……………not. That's why "this moment" is always the best.
Do you know how encouraging your comment is to me? Maybe because you were so affirming, helped me remember different times or pointed out the paradox of the truths of our kids growing up. Thanks, regardless :).
Bridget, I sure am enjoying getting to know you a little better through the Blog Hop; you're doing it well! Thanks for your words here, too; that thought had the same affect on me (but I don't think I savored it until hindsight helped me see its chocolatey goodness) :). Hopefully it will HELP you when times are tough; that's my prayer for you :).
Teri Lynne, Hon………you inspire me. Good for YOU for realizing this without someone having to tell you! It DOES affect the way you parent! And, it sounds like you're holding fast to the important lessons…that last FOREVER. xo
Rachel, your comment is like a paycheck to me; thank you. It blesses ME to know sharing my heart was perfectly timed to encourage another. {{hugs}} (and it's okay to admit sometimes you wanna run from home. Not that you said it, but I did! 😉 🙂
Shelly,
We DO relate to one another, don't we? Let's go to Kiawah and let that be our "Calgon, TAKE ME AWAY!" moment! 🙂
{{hugs}} Cry then laugh, k? "This" is how it's supposed to be. I really believe God grows us up while we're helping our kids grow. To look for what he wants outta ME in the process? Well, that perspective really helps. Enjoy the ride :).
Kelly, that is a PERFECT characterization! I mean, seriously, there were (are) times I have to remind myself of these things, out loud in my head. My youngest went camping with a friend for a week this summer; daggum his time, when he came home, he was taller than me! I grounded him for the rest of the summer.
Thanks for reading, Brandy!
Jill, that's who told me the "raising" comment, our pastor :). And yes……I held it close in those minutes when I was slap insane, too. One day it'll get so much easier and you'll wonder "when" you got there. I'm still trying to remember.
Melissa! I MUST go read now! {{hugs}}
Carmi,
Friend………you've always expressed "feeling" so well. In this musing, you've moved me to tears, and quite unexpectedly! What a beautiful perspective from a son to his mother, one that somehow encourages me for the future in a way I've never been encouraged. So thankful "this" was a post you decided to pop in on…you've blessed me.
That’s my husband’s child raising mantra. It’s a good one!
I completely understand. My oldest leaves on Monday for his 2nd year of college and his first apartment. So hard to swallow.
Then I (like you) have a daughter in her senior year of high school….looking to soar away in the next year. And a baby that wanders the same high school as a sophomore.
{I work at the same high school as my girls}
Time just races.
I’ve loved being a mom (even the crazy days)!
My daughter and I just had a conversation about the fact that she was entering high school and would be leaving for college in four years. She cried so I couldn’t, or she would have held on to the idea of it for a long time. I know with God’s grace and help we will both work through the changes and enjoy what is to come. It was nice to read about someone else dealing with children moving closer to leaving the home. Thanks for sharing.
Hello lovely! Just passing by thought I’d drop in! long time no see! I have not had much of a will to blog lately but tonight am visiting all and sundry to see what everyone is up to! What an apt post. One of mine went ahead and moved interstate this week. What a move for the first one to leave the nest hey? 14 hours away. She cried, and everyone else cried! The youngest suggested we need a new baby LOl I dont think so…but we have room! LOL gotta love it. I miss poetic license! Used to challenge me a bit. Hope all is well for you growing babes and all. Much love, hugs and smoochies xoxoxo