I have a thing about tan lines.
I always have, and given the fact I'm writing this at mid-life, I suppose I always will.
My youth was a slather of baby oil and iodine or Hawaiin Tropic–mercy! I can still smell glorious coconut just thinking about it! Some friends swore by Afro Sheen, evidence we'd use just about anything. On the half hour, crackley and full volume, transistor radios reminded us "Time to turn so you don't burn."
We didn't bake under summer's burner, we broiled. Rotisserie humans.
Dumb as chickens.
These days, while I've shelved the Hawaiian Tropic and always use an SPF of 15 or higher on my face, I still like sun on my shoulders.
Sans the tan lines.
I'm not sure why I loathe tan lines across my décolletage, but I do. Maybe it's because you never know when you might need to wear your princess dress?
Perhaps.
But, it's not like I'm wearing strapless tops or sundresses every day–I don't own either!
My tan line issues go futher: I like a tan stomach. Which is definitely an issue when you're no longer sporting a bikini…
In public.
That sentence should read, "Which is definitely an issue when you're no longer sporting a bikini in public."
Except if I'm being 100% truthful, it should say, "Which is definitely an issue when you're no longer sporting a bikini in public OR WHERE YOU DON'T KNOW ANYBODY AND DON'T CARE WHAT THEY THINK ANYWAY."
OhyesIdid…this summer during our summer beach vacation, I dug out my old two piece from when I was 15-20 pounds lighter and I wore that sucker in public.
It wasn't like I was strolling the beach giving women reason to feel better about themselves. Mostly, I shimmied off my beach cover-up while laying prone on a beach chair – quite a spectacle in and of itself – and then melted into my lounger, believing if I couldn't see "you", you couldn't see me.
Perfectly logical, no?
My family is very forgiving, understanding this is just one of my Things. Everyone has their Things, and No Tan Lines is one of mine.
When I'm at my neighborhood pool, however, it's a different story.
There, I'm inclined to care what people think since I'll likely be facing them at the grocery store that afternoon.
So I wear a tankini, right? They cover a multitude of sins and hide – how shall we say it? – problem areas.
Actually, that's not entirely true; only a Burqini does that. But we've already established I like sun on my shoulders, not to mention I'm not Muslim.
So, what's all this got to do with why I should learn to act my age?
Well.
It was beautiful over the weekend and I decided to spend a bit of that time poolside, wringing out the last drop of summer before fall slips in later this week.
My Grand Plan was to lay out 45 minutes on my back, then flip for 45 minutes on my stomach. If no tan lines is important to me, it stands to reason even front/back tanning matters, too.
So I do what I always do: once flat on my back, I untied the strap behind my neck and carefully tucked them under my arms so my top wouldn't slip. Then I folded the tank part over my bust so my stomach would get a little sun.
It was only after 45 minutes, when I was about to flip over, that I noticed it.
As I was re-tying my neck strap and unfolding the tank to re-cover my stomach, I happened to notice I was wearing my bathing suit bottoms….
inside-out.
A warm flush totally unrelated to the sun swept over my entire body as I imagined every eyeball at the pool glued to the white lining that usually characterizes the crotch of a bathing suit bottom.
A flashing neon sign….
An oddly displaced scarlet letter….
I heard a thousand disapproving, rightly judgmental tongue clucks, imploring me to please wear a modest one piece appropriate for A Woman My Age.
Horrified and self conscious, I did what anyone in my position would do.
Flat on my back, I shimmied my cover-up back on, hid behind my sunglasses and slithered to the bathroom. There, I promptly insided-out my bathing suit bottom, finding reason to thank God in this oddest of circumstance when I discovered the lining, in fact, was the color of my bathing suit.
Surely no one could see the seam if it was the same color, as if anyone would have noticed it otherwise!
Relieved and wearing I don't care like a super hero mask, I strolled back to my chair, shimmied off my cover-up, laid on my stomach, cinched my top just so to get maximum back sun exposure…and started giggling.
Only me...sigh.
About that time I heard an inner, quiet whisper ask Robin, honey, is this a sign to give up your No Tan Line Thing and Start Acting Your Age?
The Quiet Whisperer had a legitimate point. Either I didn't have the cognitive ability to process what a properly turned garment should look like, or my eyes are so presbyopic I couldn't see the tell-tale inner seam.
After thoughtful consideration I faced the question: IS it time to forget about tan lines and start acting my age?
*
*
*
Never.
See. This is the reason I need to meet you in real life. Then, and only then, will I tell you about the time the pastor’s daughter and I sunbathed on the roof of the parsonage. In, wait for it . . .
. . . two-piece bathing suits!
#backslidden
Ok, so today is my birthday…and you just gave me one of the best presents ever. I’m having a “laugh out loud” moment in the quiet of my home picturing all this. Happy Birthday to me!!
Well…. I can’t even consider –
I think going naked would be less embarrassing for someone my age and weight (it was a bad couple of years for gaining) then fitting into a swim suit.
I have brown arms this summer because I worked in the garden so much and didn’t always slather with sun block — and also the resulting dark spots on my hands. I do try to protect my face. There has been skin cancer in my family – and pre-cancerous lesions removed from my face. Just be cautious.
I just turned 51, so I totally remember baby oil and iodine! My dermatologist would have a stroke if I told her I used to do that 😉
About this bathing suit issue…I’m sorry, I just can’t quit laughing. It’s because I can see me doing something just like this, or in my case…probably worse.
Ohhhh, Nancy,
Do I need to commence to prayin’ for your very soul? Say it ain’t so!
Ha! You and I WILL meet soon! And we’ll have stories to tell!
Cindy!!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! It makes me SO happy to have shared a real LOL with you; although I wish we were in the same room at the time :). Now, THAT would be something after all these years.
Pamela,
Well, now. YOU have created quite a picture :). (But I hear you…gaining gets easier and easier with every year…… :/)
And I don’t get out in the sun a lot; but when I do? I enjoy it.
Darcie,
Yes!! Non-stop laughter! THAT makes me happiest of all. Also, you sound like you have some fun stories of your own to share. Get to it, lady…! 🙂
Ok, so I don’t usually comment so you may be like “who???” but I wanted to say this: when you asked a few weeks ago for us to tell you about posts that we liked of yours and how we came to this blog, I searched and searched your blog to find certain posts I had in mind and I could not find the ones I was specifically looking for, so…I didn’t say anything. But! Here it is! This type of post is why I came here to begin with (it may be going on a year or so now) and why I keep reading. Funny and easy to relate to. My other favorite type is when you write about your faith 🙂
Oh my word that was funny!! I went to a small Christian college in Greenville, SC where even showing your ankles was worth 25 demerits! Some of us girls would sneak on our skimpy bathing suits under our skirts, gather some tin foil from the kitchen and grab our baby oil and head to Clemson where we could fit in and lay out! We would literally fry! Oh the days of not worrying about anything 😉 I live in Virginia Beach now and I LOVE my beach! It seems I always tan better at the beach then I do in my backyard pool. I too am not a fan of tan lines and try to prevent them at all cost. However if you were to look at my feet the flip flop tan line if evidence of a summer well spent. Thanks for the laugh!!
Rock on, baby girl! Who cares what others think! (unfortunately, we all do) And, I’m totally with you about the tan lines obsession. I will not tell you to what extent I avoid them while on vacation, but let me just say, in Mexico, there are lots of Europeans on the beach, and when in Rome….
(plus, I know NObody there, and it’s only for 1 week)
Gaby,
Well, if you’re running for Favorite Commenter, YOU’RE IN CONTENTION!! 🙂 Thank you for your kind words now and for letting me know you’re “there” or “here” or wherever you are. I hope it translates how much FUN I had writing this; I really just laid there and giggled and giggled to myself. Mortified, but laughing.
Thanks for reading. It really does bless me.
Sarah,
Bob Jones? We have several friends who went there. And I went to Clemson :).
Your flip flop remark reminded me of my daughter and her Chaco tan; she looks like she’s wearing shoes even when she’s not!
🙂
ELAINE!!
I lived in Europe for almost a year and I was too chicken for THAT! Mercy–we had lots of laughs about Saunas and Hot tubs, though.
But I realized I was too Southern…or at least that’s what we blamed it on.
No nekkid for ME!
Oh Bob Jones was easy compared to my college. 😉 I went Holmes College of the Bible. I want to say it was on Old Buncombe Rd or Briggs. I know they have a new campus somewhere now. I’m sure it was a lovely college for some, but after a year I was done! I have naturally curly hair and got demerits when I would leave it down because it was “unruly”. I also wore lip gloss and got demerits for that because it was “showy and not pleasing to God”. It was quite the challenge for me to keep my Christianity in check ;-)It was fun though and a chapter in my life that I won’t easily forget.
I like Chaco’s, but I am a Reef girl all the way. Nice wide tan lines on the feet 😉
This post only confirms my hunch that we ARE kindred spirits!!
I feel the same way about tan lines and a tan stomach – you stole the words right out of my bathing suit drawer!!
I’m with you on NEVER – I saw women much older than either one of us on the beach last week in perfectly tasteful 2 pieces – i think there’s a point when you’re secure enough to just want what you want and if it’s a modestly tanned stomach – so be it!!
Many blessings!
Sarah,
Oh mah word. Color me impressed you were able to last a year–you sound like a free spirit Who Must Not Be Contained. :).
But, yes, such good stories to remember for the rest of your life.
Who knew you could make BJU’s rules seem lax???
Lib,
🙂 So, if we’re ever at the beach together, no pictures, k? 🙂
Well, not completely nekkid…. more like “my eyes are up here” times 🙂 Plus, one wants to fit in, right?
Oh I am such a free spirit! I have never been able to be contained 😉 Well other then that good looking bearded man that decided to call me his a long time ago. 😉 I would have preferred BJU. Many friends stayed the full 4 years and graduated so maybe they could handle it, but I’m not a skirt and dress type of gal. No degree, but who needs one of those to raise 3 kids anyway! 😉
This made me laugh…hard!