Yesterday was a beautiful day in the Tennessee Valley. Unseasonably warm temperatures flirted with the 90 degree record set in 1951. It would have been a great day to skip work or cut class, to enjoy lounging beside a swimming pool with a tall glass of sweet tea or to go boating in Harrison Bay or fishing at the Chickamauga Dam.
My day was much more routine than that, and while routine can become your enemy, there’s a certain appealing familiarity and comfort to it that gives you reason to stay in its embrace. Sometimes, in hindsight, you might find yourself longing for the monotony of "routine", realizing, in fact, it was your friend after all.
My ten-year-old received a call from his best friend yesterday after school. As I heard one side of the conversation, I was sure I misunderstood. With all my heart, I wish I had misunderstood.
With a look of … bewilderment … Stephen hung up the phone, and turned to Thomas (12) and said, "Michael’s brother died today…his dad left him in his carseat…and they found him…and he was dead." This kind of proclamation is not processed right away, you’re rather certain you didn’t just hear what you absolutely just did. We asked Stephen to repeat it three or four times before we were sure he knew what he was talking about. At least according to his friend, this was reported on the news.
When you hear something like this, your first inclination is to think it’s a mistake. Like the old game of "Gossip" or "Telephone", my mind told me Stephen’s friend heard a horrible news story, and in childlike confusion, got the facts wrong. The sinking feeling in my heart told me otherwise.
I went straight to the internet and googled local breaking news. No names were given, but I did confirm a 15-month-old had died after being in a car for an extended period of time. Later that night, it was the leading local news story, still no names given, but another confirmation was that it took place in the parking lot of this family’s business. Prior to that, Tad had gotten his hair cut, and both his stylist and another customer (who also has children at our school) confirmed what we had hoped was only a horrible rumor. Bad news travels faster than the speed of light.
Two of this family’s children are friends of my boys and have been in
their classes since we moved here four years ago; Thomas has spent the
night with Michael on several occasions. Their parents are as active
and involved as you can be, chaperoning field trips and lending support
both in the classroom and for school events. They’re visible, both of
them.
This morning, I guess still in partial denial, but realizing this was most likely true as we had originally heard it, I talked to the kids about it. We’re still reading through the Gospels before school every morning, and I so appreciated the timeliness of today’s passage (the first 11 verses of John 8). I explained that the parents would be vilified in the media–variations of "How could ANYONE be that careless as to leave a baby in a hot car…" Believe me, when I’ve heard similar news accounts in the past, that was a sanitized version of my first thought.
But it’s different now. I K.N.O.W. all the people involved. They’re acquaintance-friends. My heart is breaking for this family. I cannot begin to imagine their grief and guilt and confusion and pain and loss. My children now have friends who have had a sibling die. I never experienced that as a child… After reading through today’s scripture, I was thankful God had ordained a beautiful passage to remind us that He loves us no matter what, that mistakes (sins) are forgivable–no matter how horrible–even and maybe especially if consequences can’t be reversed, that everyone falls short of perfection, that it’s easy to criticize while ignoring your own "two-by-fours in your own eyes"…our discussion was meaningful this morning, it was relevant. Thomas is the most affected, and I’m proud of his response…his genuine concern for his friend, for their family.
As we drove to school and listened to the news, my additional concern was confirmed. The father, my and Tad’s age, was arrested last night and charged with criminally negligent homicide and aggravated child abuse and neglect. I’m sure in the past, in the court of public opinion, I would’ve tried and convicted him as soon as I heard what happened.
But that was before.
Now, I see a family who is forever changed, individuals who are forever CHANGED. Children who have lost their little brother. Parents who have lost their toddler son. Children who have, at least temporarily, lost their father. A wife who, in one day, lost both her husband and her baby. And a man who will live with the consequences of the most tragic mistake in his life, for the rest of his life. How does that not define you? How does that not become "who" you are–the father who killed his own son?
It is so easy to shake your head in condemning disbelief, certain you could never make this kind of mistake–of course everyone knows how a closed car heats up on a sunny day! No one in their right mind would knowingly leave a child–or pet, for heaven’s sake–in a closed car! There has to be a logical explanation amidst the illogical, I’ve constructed half a dozen scenarios myself. Immediately, I remembered a time I left Thomas at a swim meet, at night, because I simply forgot I was supposed to bring him home. Tad and I had driven separately, I had Rachel, but for some reason, I thought Tad had both boys. When I walked in the door, and Tad said, "Where’s Thomas?" I don’t think I even responded, I just turned around and flew back to the pool, sickened at the thought of him wondering where I was, alone, scared, and seemingly abandoned. It can happen. What you think you’d never do, what you think you’re incapable of, can happen.
In a moment, your future is inextricably altered, as are the lives of those closest to you.
And yet, I still believe God is at work in the midst, using circumstance to affect a people, eventually, ultimately for His glory…I have no idea how many lives will be touched as a result. There is an epic battle that has begun in the lives of this family–the Enemy would delight in defeating many of them, perhaps with generational effect; Jesus explains the nature of Satan by calling him a thief, whose intent is to steal and kill and destroy; but in the same breath, He explains His own nature as life-giving. There is so much in this life I don’t understand, but I feel no compulsion TO understand; the mysteries of God are a comfort to me. I don’t have to know "how" He works out things, but I’m thankful He’s given me reason to believe He IS at work, even when it doesn’t look like it.
If you’re inclined, I would appreciate your prayers on behalf of this family. Whatever your thoughts or judgments, there is incalculable pain borne by all affected, and I know intercession on their behalf will move mountains in their lives.
Photo credit: Brandon Bradley
Wow, I am new here and this is quite a post to come in on. What a horrible, horrible mistake.
I’m so sorry to hear about this Robin… so very sorry. Thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt post.
My heart goes out to everyone involved…
Robin,
This is so tragic. I will pray for the family and that the courts and people around them are merciful toward them. I can’t even imagine the self-punishment and guilt they are already enduring.
The only help for this entire situation is an incredible outpouring of the grace and love of God in the midst of this tragedy.
Praying for the family and the community. This is such a tragic situation.
Robin what a terrible tragedy. I am feeling so sad for all the family and friends. I will be keeping you all in my thought and prayers. The father as you say will have to live with this for the rest of his life and this is a terrible burden to bear.
OH ROBIN!!!!!
I just read all about this on the news before checking blogs today and my heart was broken – and I was angry at that father for it. Angry that he could forget a child in the car. I don’t understand it – I can’t get a grip on it. To me its beyond careless…
Yet, I know now (after the entire Amber Alert that involved an old friend) how the media warps things. A tragic tragic event that has destroyed a family.
I can’t stop the tears – you’ve humanized it for me now and the anger is gone – just sadness all around for them.
I am so so sorry… There’s no way to “come back” from this. For any of them… I pray for peace in their lives, and yours… I picture having to hear the news that my husband and 18 month old were the names inserted into the story… and I feel the need to throw up and melt into a puddle all at once.
What a tradegy my heart goes out to the poor family.
What a tragic story, and what a grounded interpretation of it. It’s so easy to jump to judgement. Honestly, it’s hard to tear myself away from judgement on this.
But you’re so right — you’re words are powerful and right. They all need our prayers right now, not condemnation.
Oh, Robin, this really brought tears to my eyes. That family will certainly be in my prayers. We often do not realize how easily someone can be falsely judged or treated when tragedy strikes.
I’ll be praying for you and your son, too, for wisdom to do / say exactly what the family needs.
hugs
That is such tragic news. I do not want to imagine such a horrible event striking so close to home.
Robin, this is so sad. I’m sad for your children that they have to deal with it too.
I would have been with you vilifying the dad before.
Now I’m forever changed in that I know that there are other sides to stories.
That people who do things that are wrong, are still valuable human beings that are dearly loved by their families.
I can’t imagine anything worse than losing a child.
except…losing a child out of one’s own careless moment.
Like others have said – I don’t know how things like this happen. I should say “There but for the Grace of God, Go I.”
Yesterday they were a happy family.
Oh…Beckie…indeed what a post to start with :/…when lately I’ve been posting “spy pictures” of cracked behinds and nose picks… You never really know where I’m headed next (mainly because even I don’t know where I’m headed next…). Thanks for commenting, though, I appreciate it.
Thank you, Nan, Motomom and Beccy for your concern and encouragement.
Grace, it really is precious–yesterday the kids at school wrote/made them cards and their teachers/principals delivered them. Last night Thomas received an email from Michael thanking everyone; he said after a long day of crying, it really cheered him up. Bitter sweet. And, yeah, I can already see hands and feet, doing what they can t minister love….
Chris, he is the one who is most on my mind and heart…
Karmyn, I can TOTALLY relate…how many times have I felt the same way? Until it was humanized for me :/. You heard about this in OREGON???? It made National news??? 🙁
Tracey, for whatever reason, I’m glad my children are OLDER…when I heard about similar things when mine were younger, I had the same thought process that you did.
Kelly, I always appreciate your honesty; it is difficult NOT to vacillate between understanding and condemnation…
LCO, thank you for thinking of Thomas in particular; when he received Michael’s email last night, I was touched by his response…what he wrote back sounded like something I could have written (mature for his age, but then again, the circumstances are “mature”).
MikeY, yeah, it’s “better” from a l o n g distance.
Lizzie…I wondered if you’d see this…and I knew you’d understand like few could. Perhaps you know how to pray better than anyone I know.
Pamela, more often than not, you pen thoughts I’ve had myself (or wish I had). My sentiments precisely.
It’s so hard not to pass judgment, but you’re absolutely right, there is another side to this terrible tragedy. I will keep your friends in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh, Robin, my heart breaks for this family and the community. What a horrible, tragic thing to have happen! When you *know* the family and you *know* that this wasn’t intentional but rather a horrible, life-altering mistake, it alters YOU as well.
My prayers are with them and with your family. What a beautiful, heart-wrenching post.
……..whew.
What a story, what a post….I’m speechless.
You know I’m praying……..
Oh, my…my heart is broken for this family. I can’t even begin to imagine…life is so fragile. As I read this, never once did I think “how could he do this?” I thought “this could happen to anyone.” I can’t begin to imagine how this father is feeling…it just rips my heart out.
I will certainly keep this family in my prayers…
This sort of thing happens so much more than people realize and it’s so heartbreaking. I used to think the same thing, “how can you forget a child in the backseat?” but it’s not that far of a stretch, especially if the child is asleep or quiet. We’ve all got so much going on that it’s nearly impossible to keep up with everything, esp. with 1000 thoughts going through our heads at all times. My heart goes out to them.
What a sad story. Something simular happend here sevearal years ago and I felt the only crime commited was by the media and how they protrayed the family.
Praying for Gods peace and comfort to surround theis family.
Marla
What a compassionate and sensitive treatment of a terrible event, Robin. The mom (and the siblings) must be just slayed. And that poor father… As someone said above, “But for the grace of God, go I.” I remember bunches of dumb mistakes I made with my kids. I shudder to think what might have been the outcome. :~)
(BTW, I like your “new” look.)
This is a tough post to digest. You are right; we do judge in instances like this. I am acquainted with a family in a similar situation. It is the most tragic thing that could occur, to think that you caused, or didn’t prevent, your child’s suffering and demise. When you know a family personally, it does strike your heart differently. Thanks for this insight.
This is a tough post to digest. You are right; we do judge in instances like this. I am acquainted with a family in a similar situation. It is the most tragic thing that could occur, to think that you caused, or didn’t prevent, your child’s suffering and demise. When you know a family personally, it does strike your heart differently. Thanks for this insight.
Oh, that is so horrible. I will pray for that family.
My MIL left Anna in the car 2 yrs ago to pick up her dry cleaning… on a 90 degree day. I was so angry, her excuse was that it was only a few minutes. She didn’t get to take my kids any where for a long time after that.
I am sure that this poor man just forgot his son was there because he fell asleep and was so quiet- which as you know when you have a toddler you get used to racket… I feel so bad for them.
Thanks, Nikki and MarlaQ; I know this family feels a covering of prayer:).
Suz, k n o w i n g has changed everything! They been excoriated by people in online message boards…I bet other places, too.
Kristy, thank you, too, friend. By now, it’s odd to be getting “used” to this sad story :/.
Susan, I think you’d be in the minority with your response…but somehow, I’m encouraged that that WAS your response :).
Claudia, not to have your own children yet, I’m touched by your response. Then again, it’s consistent with who I’ve come to know you to be :).
E-mom, WELCOME HOME!
I hear ya…I just wrote about one of my “mistakes”…but goodness knows how many close calls there have been. Pamela did say it well…
Linda, I’m always thankful to learn a new way of thinking, to see circumstances differently than I “used” to. The power of a transformed mind…is beautiful.
MaryMert, we’re mama bears when it comes to our kids, huh? That’s one of the scenarios I’ve painted, too…it’s still hard to digest, though.
i hadn’t heard of this, so very sad! 🙁
Robin,
This family will be in my thoughts and prayers, as well as those who were close to them. I am so saddened to read this post. ~Risa
Wow. My best friend from high school had the same thing happen to her. She had her daughter in the van and ‘forgot’ (I cannot think of another word for it right now) until lunchtime. It was early September in Phoenix. Which means it was still 110+ outside.
It seemed we had a rash of instances that summer, and as a mom of a then three year old, my responses had always been, ‘lock em up and throw away the key’. Then I had a girlfriend call me to break the news. In an instant my world changed. This was my BEST FRIEND for many many years. She and I were thick as thieves in school. She was in my wedding. And now… as another one of our girlfriends put it, “My God, she’s one of us!”.
In that moment, I knew if that could happen to her, it could happen to me. And we look differently on news stories now…