~ 31 Days of Parenting Teens & Tweens, Day 13 ~
Parenting is swimming upstream, especially when you're countering culture. There are so many pressures and "acceptances," it's easy to become desensitized to issues worthy of The Fight.
Make no mistake, there is a battle for the heart of your child, and the world's allure is often irresistible.
To me, it is often the little things that can cause the biggest tangle; the things that don't seem like such a big deal to most people.
Like assuming a victim mentality…
It's one of the mountains my husband and I have chosen to die on. A victim mentality is one of THE most undesirable, unattractive character traits a person can have, but because of its prevalence in our culture, it's one we have to constantly battle.
Perhaps a victim mentality's biggest stronghold is many people don't even recognize it as a problem.
What do I mean by "victim mentality"? Blaming everyone else for your shortcomings, failings and woes of your world.
So, how do you counter a victim mentality in your tween or teen?
- When you see it manifested, point it out to your child.
- My teacher didn't go over that in class (to explain a bad grade).
- I didn't know Coach scheduled an extra practice (when everyone else showed up).
- You didn't tell me you were washing clothes (on a school morning when he can't find anything within dress code to wear…and there's a pile of dirty laundry on his floor).
- Help them understand how to assume responsibility for their own actions.
- Easier said than done, especially for one who is accustomed to finger pointing and assigning blame.
- Take every opportunity to illustrate examples when you spot a victim mentality in others or even on the news or tv.
- Hold them accountable for their actions
- Allow natural consequences to run their course.
- Don't makes excuses for them.
- Make sure you aren't modeling a victim mentality yourself!
Addressing this and nipping it in the bud during your children's middle and high school years will shape them into a much more pleasant and responsible young adult; don't assume they'll grow out of it.
Your turn: Think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill? Are there other "little things" that are mountains to you? Do share in comments…I'm curious!
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Oooo…I like this. We are dealing with this exact issue in our house. It is shocking when we begin to look at ourselves and see how often we let this sort of attitude creep in. I admit that I have covered for my kids in the past. Not intentionally, but because I felt sorry for them(bad mothering on my part). So, we have been making more conscientious decisions and stepping back from situations to look at them objectively. Natural consequences are so tough for parents to watch play out in our kids…but boy, are they ever a great way to learn!! Nothing like realizing you have no one to blame but yourself.
I love this post! I wish I had seen it/realized it sooner in my now college age child. We are constantly fighting this battle with him. I am thankful that we are seeing changes but I would have loved to nip this in the bud before it got so full blown.
Terrific post! The jail is full of people whose parents did not stand on this mountain.
Thanks for posting this. Now I have a name for ir. We say our daughter is the queen of excuses. I liken it to whining…poor, poor pitiful me. I will now start pointing it out in others, and watch myself.
You nailed this one. It is a mountain we are willing to die on, too. We’re also nuts about having an attitude of gratitude, speaking respectfully to others, and obeying joyfully. Major on the majors.
Robin
This is a fantastic topic! I work in a public high school and the older I get….the more “passing the buck” behavior/blame game seems to be the norm.
I try very hard to practice this in my own home. My young adult/teen kids have heard more than once TO WORK OUT YOUR PROBLEM from their dad & I.
(Not that we aren’t there helping them out) When they back themselves into a corner (by their own doing) we hope to teach them to navigate out of it and to own their responsibility in it.
I’m loving your 31 days! GO GO GO!! 🙂
Seems to be so prevalent in our modern world::
Working on the same moutain you are.
The only way to go from being a victim to being a voctor is personal responsibility!
Blessings!
some unvarnished farm life from 3 hours away
If our kids never learn to take responsibility for their own actions, how will they become grown-ups who do? Preach. It.