File this under "Bloggers will share anything."
Two caveats before we begin:
I've had about 12 hours sleep over the past three nights.
If you tell me the following is hormone related, I might chuck a brick upside your head.
Laugh at me, laugh with me…it matters not to me, I just hope you laugh (oops three, make that THREE caveats)!
was one of those days that was full before it began; starting with
voting right after I took the children to school, and ending–one eye
closed and two ears open–with President-elect Obama "yes we canning"
me to sleep. A mad-cap blur of children, taxi service, mammogram,
Precept study and soccer games marked the "in-between".
Oh, and my oldest going to the DMV to get her license.
Heaven forbid that should have gone smoothly.
Only this time, it wasn't the DMV's fault. Long lines would have been welcome inconvenience compared to what DID happen.
I had been running all day, by the time we got to the DMV, I really had
to "go"; I'm a camel and can drive forever without needing a bathroom
break, but 4:00 is apparently equivalent to "forever". While my
daughter filled out the necessary paperwork, I excused myself to their
I don't know about your local Department of Motor Vehicles, but ours is highly trafficked and the bathroom is barely
a notch above gas station quality. Like most moms, I can get in and
out of a bathroom without touching anything, a skill that serves us
well (especially during the potty training years).
The toilet seat was broken, positioned cock-eyed over the bowl. No problem, I wasn't sitting anyway, and I proceeded to assume "the position." Moments later, I was much relieved (in every sense of the word) having previously consumed two cups of coffee, a water bottle and a Diet Vanilla Coke. I wadded up a handful of tp to "finish" (I'm doing my level best to articulate this tastefully, but is that even possible???) and then kinda sorta stood up.
That's when I first detected a "problem".
The back of my left pants leg was wet.
thought, "How did that happen?" I mean, it wasn't raining, I hadn't
splashed in a puddle, I certainly didn't spill bottled water on my lap
while driving… and then it hit me.
whipped my head around, looked down at the VERY CROOKED toilet seat
(thankyewverymuch) and realized I had missed the target-OH-YES-I-DID!
The entire back-side of my left leg was ringing wet–OH-MY-WORD–and IT
WASN'T WATER FROM THE FAUCET!
AND I HAD TO GO BACK OUT TO A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WAITING TO GET THEIR DRIVER'S LICENSE!
proceeded with my only option. I washed my hands, walked out the door,
prayed for an invisibility cloak, pretended nothing had happened, and
through hysterical laughter, whispered in Rachel's ear that I had to
run home and change clothes. She looked at me like I was crazy. When I reluctantly explained what was wrong, she lost it too.
you think anyone knew what we were laughing at? I had to walk through
the center aisle of a waiting room full of people, so it's possible
they noticed the crazy lady with wet pants walking out the door. (Or maybe this sort of thing happens all the time at the DMV.)
before I left, I gave Rachel the cash I had and left my credit card
with her in case the fee was more than my cash on hand…
…which set up today's misadventure. Do I even have to mention it involves another unfortunate pants-wetting…?
s i g h
I'm mid-40s and though I haven't had to deal with bladder incontinence (yet), apparently I'm the queen of bladder incompetence. Stay tuned click here for Part Two.
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