My cell phone rings, and it’s my doctor’s office, and I know this because long ago, and what now seems far away, I was smart enough to program their number so if I ever needed to call them, I’d already have it stored in contacts. Which, also means, should they have need to call me, I would preemptively know it’s them.
You know and I know they don’t call unless they have News.
Last week was my annual check-up and among the humiliation of feet in stirrups and knees apart, I casually mentioned my increasing forgetfulness and how sleep is interrupted by the way my body simmers while I’m dreaming. This, from the woman whose blood is reptilian, who sidles up to fire like it’s second skin, the one who warms hands over a cracked-open stove when I pull cookies from the oven in the middle of summer.
They had scraped cells from my cervix and punctured vein to draw blood, and when my phone rings days later, I see their name and number flashing across the tiny screen. I bargain with the gods, begging for the lesser of two evils.
I’m a winner; it was the lesser.
“I guess you know you’re in menopause….” and she seems nervous to say it out loud, not knowing me well enough to how I’ll respond.
Here’s the thing I found out in that moment: suspecting it…joking about it…is not the same thing as k.n.o.w.i.n.g. I still have monthly cycles, so how is it even possible? I thought I still had time.
Time for what, I really don’t know, it’s not like I want to get pregnant. When I hear a 40-something friend is expecting my first thought is always you’d have to shoot me.
Forgetfulness. Thinning hair. Restless sleep. Weight gain–well, not so much gain as change. My body is just…different.
I can’t think of questions to ask, though I try, but I’m mostly ignorant and tangle-tongued. All I get out of the conversation is my estrogen is at 11 and she’s mailing me the lab report, so I imagine my questions will come then.
So I hang up the phone and start mining the internet for what I’m condemning myself for not automatically knowing. And every site I pull up is little more than ads and click throughs, and in seconds I’m disgusted and don’t want to learn anything that way. I’ll show them.
I slip down the stairs to my kitchen and snarf the last brownie. It tastes like cliché but, mercifully, the calories bring more comfort than regret.
I wander into my daughter’s room and study her full length mirror, looking for something and nothing. Months ago, before she left home, she scribbled a verse across slick glass in green, and I wondered why it was the one she chose; what did she want to press into her heart? What did she need to hear and believe and know from her Creator?
I pray that God, who gives peace, will make you completely holy. And may your spirit, soul, and body be kept healthy and faultless until our Lord Jesus Christ returns. The one who chose you can be trusted, and he will do this.
My God, I think, it’s for me. It’s for me, now.
And the sun streams in strong and shadows cast across the half of me and I can’t help but think that’s right. Shadows and sun, darkness and light, lies and truth. My head is a swirl and my reflection is all wrong.
There’s movement pulling my gaze away from my face – only then do I notice my somber expression – three squirrels in a game of tag, a twitchy skitter across my back yard. A fat robin (oh, the irony) materializes out of no where and lands on a scraggly branch of our dogwood that never seems to grow. She makes me smile and think Spring…
So why do I feel like Autumn.
I’ll turn 50 next month.
Oh my dear friend, I am crying as I read this. You know why. Let’s do this together.
And the verse? Oh my! Isn’t He just so good? Why do we complain about the little changes our bodies are experiencing when, really, they are HEALTHY?! (I’m saying this to myself more than to you.)
You are so special.
You inspire me 🙂
I turned 50 last summer. And you know what? I kind of like it. I feel…well, good. And I think I look good, too. Good for a woman of 50 but also just plain good. God has been working on me in a lot of areas over the last 10 years or so. While I won’t go so far as to say I’m becoming wise, I think I’ve definitely learned some things and they look good on me. Feel good on me. And you know what else? I think you look just plain good, too. We’re stinking hot, old women and the world just better get used to it. : )
Shelly, I may or may not have shed tears when writing it. Now? I'm second guessing publishing it. But I did. And I could delete it but I don't want to forget; I really did sit down right after receiving that call and wrote this in a few minutes (I NEVER write anything in a few minutes anymore :).)
It'll be nice sharing this with a friend who understands. Thanks for your always-encouragement xo.
Emily Rose,
One day, friend…one day :).
Oooo, Julie….I *like* your spunk. And your sass. And your moxie. How could I not crush on someone who tells me I'm stinkin' hot??? xo
Very well written.
Do NOT delete…. I will need to read this post again when I turn 50….. and possibly on a weekly basis as I approach that date…
(and you do NOT look 50… oh my, you look fabulous!)
Embrace your new beauty. I turned 50 last year ~ a non event ~ so this year I will have a 2fer birthday. But what I have learned in this year is that I am so grateful for all I have been given in the first 50, that I know the next 50 are going to be even better, filled with more things to be thankful for. I am wiser, and am filled with awe at God and all He creates. Perhaps this time in our physical lives is to give us rest and peace as payment for what we have birthed and created in the past. I don’t know. But I do know that I am going to make every day a day to be thankful for Him and for being alive.
When I was in my 30s, I began to notice a something special some women had when they were in their 50s. And now that I’m in my mid-50s, I recognize it in myself on occasion. There really is something empowering about being here in the middle part of life. So many wonderful memories to cherish and mistakes to learn from in my past. Looking forward to and planning our future and in so many ways, loving where we are right now. I find myself more confident, much more likely to give grace to myself and aware of a sense of time that I never had when I was so completely consumed with raising little humans. Come on in, Robin! The water is fine!
Another numbered list to grace your blog :). :
1. I don’t know if it helps anything or not… But I think you might never look a day over 35.
2. Though there will be things about it that aren’t easy… I believe you will walk through this next season with rare beauty and a peace-filled grace, because of Him…
3. …Imperfect… But pointing other hearts toward Him at every turn because where you’re weak, he is strong and so clearly receiving glory in your life.
Xoxoxoxo
Thank you for your raw honesty, Robin. I feel like I am more equipped to pray for you as a sweet sister in Christ. Cling to Him! Love you!
Do NOT unpublish. I’m with you. I’m coming with you, love. We can all do this so much better together. xxx
Sending you sympathetic hugs, because at 41, I’ve started having some of those symptoms too. No, this inevitable change is not easy. But just like a verse written on in a mirror, God is there in the midst of it.
Three words:
Do. Not. Delete.
OK, let’s be honest, I can’t stop at three words. 🙂
Dear Robin of the Earth and Sky, No matter what scraggly branch you think your’re sitting on, you’re still poised for beautiful flight. The autumn flights are some of the most stunning, I think, because the birds are always headed somewhere sunny.
Soar on, sister. I love the way you fly.
Robin if memory serves, your birthday is on March 30th(I think). You look beautiful as ever and an inspiration to all women……
This is so beautiful, Robin. I feel your ache, and yet I know the deeper truth here. Age does not diminish us.
Press on, friend. We are all with you.
Ohhhhh, sister, and I really think we are sistas from a different mista! ( a cliche my children use when they find someone in whom they have much in common) I am laughing and crying both through this blog post.
Living long has its blessings and sorrows, It beats the alternative, but it requires living through menopause. And my sweet demure and kind encouragement to my family, has at times, changed into the Queen of Hearts, and I’m yelling out “OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”
I guess God has a sense of humor, and has given us the freedom to let go of the tampons and mini pads in our purses, to being okay with wine and brownies; to getting past what other people think, and speaking our mind. Now to re-learn how to be nice about what I think! ( laughing)
the robin wasn’t fat. She just had her feathers fluffed for protection.
I’ve often said to those close to me “my Mama never told me about this” — but then Mama said she flew through menopause with ease. Not so for me. I hope that your trip will be easy as was my Mama.
I’m getting there…my birthday is tomorrow, and I’m closer than ever to 50. And I have to leave in a couple of minutes to go to physical therapy for my back pain.
Yes, feeling the age right about now. You wrote about it beautifully.
Oh, baby girl! (I can say that, as I turned 55 last WEEK!) Take my word for it, it’s a lot easier that “they” say it is, and it CERTAINLY beats the alternative! Power surges are a way of life and look at it this way: you can keep the thermostat turned down & save energy! I was reading all your symptoms, thinking “oh, so THAT’s what’s going on!” so I’m right there with you, sister!
At 55, I’ve decided that I’m just now halfway through my lifespan (my dad’s 85 and still going strong). I had cataract surgery this past summer, and am healthy! So, let’s enjoy this season – Fall’s my favorite time of year anyway!
Ah, Robin, I am 58 and am staring 60 down the barrel and you know, sometimes I forget the numbers, because they are not what I am. Who I am. I love my life, and my 50s have brought new challenges and new discoveries, new adventures and new perspective. And that menopause? I zapped through it with not one symptom. I was incredibly fortunate. I look at you and I see someone in their 30s – beautiful vibrant, with a heart as huge as the sun. I look at your words and I see the soul behind that lovely smile. Onwards, my friend – I am there in the distance ahead of you – come on – their is life to discover and fun to be had…….
From a husband’s perspective, this is just another step in growing old with the women you committed your life to. Maturity is a beautiful thing with women. And, while things may start to droop, sag and wrinkle, the inner beauty continues to be reflected in ways that are indescribable to me.
Hi from Munich,
50 is the new 30…isn’t it true tho? We are SOO much younger in thinking and physicality it seems than our moms were at this age..at least it seems that way to me.
Looking at all the gorgeous 50 yr. olds!
I have 3 words for you on a practical health note:
Bio.Identical. Progesterone.
Run from any HRTs. Like the wind!
This incredible product has ‘saved’ sooooo many women I know from symptoms too numerous to mention here.
Great reads on naturally balancing your hormones: Dr. John Lee “Hormone Balance Made Simple”, Dr. Deanna Osborn “Bio-Identical Hormone Handbook”. Arbonne has a bio-identical progesterone cream that’s fabulous.
Personally Autumn has always been my favorite season 🙂
xo
I’m just 3 years behind you and I feel it. I love you, friend, and I wish I were there to give you a big hug and share another pan of brownies.
WT,
We ought to chat sometime in the near future; SO much to catch up on and I’d like to know what’s goin’ on in your corner of the world… :). (And thanks, friend.)
Lyli,
Ha! I had no idea you were so bossy. It stays for now; I think it might be the fuse to light inspiration’s fire……. xo
Cindi,
My mom died at 38 and THAT makes me grateful for every single day…and year. I’ve had almost 12 more years than she did, 12 more years to know my children and watch them grow into amazing people. Sooo, while I have this moment of…awareness…I’m going to revel in the days to come.
But sometimes they might be bumpy :).
(thank you for the encouragement!)
Mollianne,
"I find myself more confident, much more likely to give grace to myself and aware of a sense of time…" <– love that. Thank you for cheering me on AND for the invitation. Except CURSE YOU for suggesting I put on a swimsuit right now! 😉
Dana,
First off, TWO POINTS FOR YOU for the enumerated list! Man, if anyone haiku's a response, I might explode :).
Seriously, thank you for your encouragement and encouragement to focus; I'm up and down right now, but then again, it's not just one thing (what I've written about), it's the half dozen other life-balls I'm juggling and NOT writing about… 🙂
Heather,
Well, THAT ain't fair. 41? Geez. Then, again, the sleep thing for me has gone on almost 10 years, so….it really can't get worse. #famouslastwords Hope you're doing well…it's been too long since we shared a real life hug :).
QuatroMama,
🙂 Sure am feeling the love from those sweet words…AND actions xo. (thank you, truly.)
Megan,
{{{hugs}}} Thank you for your comment, email, FB share…all of it. I'm all about keeping our conversation going. And I keep forgetting we haven't actually met because I feel like we have! 🙂 xo
Jennifer,
Okay, FIRST, your comment is poetically lovely. I might frame it. Second? "the birds are always headed somewhere…" <– THAT is an important thing to remember, metaphor for life, yes? Brilliant…xo
Kelly,
HOW THE HECK CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT??? I can't remember what I wore yesterday ;). xoxoxo
Oooo, Kelly…I SO agree! Yet it is SO easy to feel diminshed, to believe those whispers that fuel self-doubt into flame. Which is why it's crucial to look to Truth. (and I love that I can tell you absolutely get me in this…) 🙂
Diane,
Honey, I know SFADM but it made me smile to read your explanation. Your entire comment made me smile. It's full of life and love and brimming w/encouragement. I'll take a double of what you're dishin' :). xo
Pamela,
This is when I would really like you to be my daggum neighbor. For a lot of reasons. But I'm rather certain after all these years we would be real friends for the duration. And, yes ma'am, I'm with your mama on this one. #pleaseGod
Ann!!
THANK you, friend :). HAPPY EARLY birthday…are you on the "and holding" one?? I'm in PT, too, these days, but for knee surgery. But it ticks me off that I can be sore just sitting on the floor. Who ever knew when they were a kid one day criss-crossed legs would hurt?
Thank you for hearing my heart in this :).
Elaine,
a) You called me baby girl. I call my baby girl baby girl. J'adore :). And my word, I love your take on this. Bop me upside the head when you see I need adjusting, k? 🙂
Linds,
You have no idea how g.o.o.d. it is sitting here, reading through all these comments and hearing such FANTASTIC encouragement. Thank you. For sharing your story, your perspective and your life. xo
Bill,
I hope Dawn sees your comment; it's beautiful. And though Tad hasn't said it quite as poetically as you, I know that's how he sees me. And THAT is reason to be VERY thankful, yes? So glad to see you commenting—that was a big fun surprise!
Mindy,
Thank you for the PRACTICAL advice; I'm sure I'll refer to it down the road if symptoms become more severe. This is the first I'm hearing about the things you mentioned, so I'm grateful you took time to share. 🙂
Dawn,
I had to smile on "another" pan of brownies; unfortunately, there was only a small one left when I went in search of them; but it was enough. And I'm pretty sure you and I could finish off the entire blasted pan if we wanted/needed to :). Which is a lovely thought, indeed friend. xo
THAT made me laugh out loud my friend! This squatty body hasn’t seen the inside of a swimsuit for several years. I might, however, with the right circumstances and friends…on a moonless, hot summer night under a southern sky consider skinny dipping. Something I’d have NEVER done in my younger years.
Anytime you like. Email me your phone no., I’ve got cheap rates to the states.
YOU are beautiful.
Christina,
🙂 VERY nice thing to read when I open my email this morning….
Hi Robin! I’m sort of a newbie here, and just wanted to jump in and say, “50 Rocks”!! Except for the hot flashes, forgetfulness, etc. haha I turned the big 5-0 last summer…I just wanted to slip into the next “age bracket” quietly, but my dear friends would not let me…it turned into a 4 day celebration, with a trip to the city, manicures, pedicures, massages, facials…and a Harley ride. Whew…it was a blast! Seriously, though, I have spent a lot of my 50th year, reflecting and trying to make sense of it all…
I’m both crying and rejoicing for you. Change — it reminds us that the one thing that never changes is God’s love for us. Cool that a menopausal woman still gets to be a CHILD of God! … And I hear that post-menopausal women have more fun, soooo, after you get *beyond* “the Change,” get out your party dress and shake it up! 😉
What a beautiful post, Melissa!
Darcie,
Thank you for the welcome and MY WORD your friends are keepers! What a way to celebrate (and thanks for your encouragement).
Stephanie,
My brain might’ve been rattled to get “that news” but it’s a blip in my approach to life. THANK God for THAT! 🙂
Margaret,
Well, thank you for the beautiful part but I’m wondering WHO Melissa is!! Did she hijack my blog?? 😉 #oops
just this morning I felt a twinge of impending sadness regarding my own upcoming autumn…
last of the baby fever, I suppose…knowing THOSE days are numbered and fear of my here-to-yet unknown autumn and all it usher in.
Great post – so appreciate your frankness!
MAny blessings as you journey here there and yon!
Raw, lovely post. Am there, doing that. At 48 just pronounced in FULL menopause. Peri is gone… it is still shocking to get confirmation of what the mirror and your body have told you for a while now. Being the 1st of my friends/aquaint. to go through it, I felt alone. Thanks for posting this as women our age need to know this is possible in your 40’s. Peri was from 42-47. At 48 it is straight menopause. But the silver lining is that my spirit man is stronger and lovlier than ever 🙂 It is to my Father’s glory that I bear much fruit… (even when my physical fruit bearing years are done)
Hey Robin, read you on (in) courage. Congrats on your upcoming 50th. Everyone around me seems to be hitting that age. I’m a couple more years till I get there. Just a suggestion, try juicing, it helped me control all the ‘heat’. I had a hysterectomy and that set on early menopause and juicing took the flashes right out and it helps with other things. Hope that’s not extra to your already busy life! Blessings to you and enjoy your life
By the way, you don’t look Autumn one bit, I see spring all over you, remember your scripture, new day, new beginning! Enjoy the new possibilities and new adventures with Him. Happy days!
Robin, I’m late to the party in reading this but I want to thank you for your open, honest telling of your story. I am a decade older and will turn 60 in two months. The hard part for me is the knowledge that my dear mom died at 64, the day after my daughter turned 4. I know I will live longer than that and yet I find myself worrying. My faith is very strong so I try not to let these fears over take me. I became a grandmother three months ago and he is the most beautiful thing I have seen or held since the day his mama was born. Please keep telling us the truth little sister, and you WILL make it through peri menopause. I did it early and had serious problems but came to the otherside stronger and wiser. Bless you!