Robin Dance

essays on faith, aging, parenting, wandering and wondering

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Snow shoes

Posted by on Feb 16, 2010 | 4 comments

Sometimes I can be quite literal ~

snow boots

South Carolina foothills, surprise snowfall February 2010. 
This is what I did to get ready for our 15th annual Valentine Tea
For a Southern girl who has never seen a White Christmas,
a White Valentine's is pretty doggone sweet.

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Six Important Reasons Traditions Matter

Posted by on Feb 25, 2009 | 34 comments

Six Important Reasons Traditions Matter by Robin Dance

As a young mom juggling two babies during the “Cheerios and Crafts” phase of motherhood, I had no idea the long-range impact of a “yes” answer to a question posed by my mother-in-law 14 years ago:  she simply wanted to know if I’d be interested in hosting a Valentine Tea Party for my then three-year-old daughter.  To me, a mother-daughter tea party meant temporary suspension from diaper duty and laundry, and my enthusiastic “yes” required, oooh, about .01 nano seconds of deliberation.

Having now graduated to the “Taxi Service and Sports Spectator” phase of child rearing, I realize it was an important decision despite the mindless expediency with which it was made.  More a brunch than a tea, our annual Valentine gathering has crystallized in my mind the value and significance of establishing family traditions.  Traditions have far-reaching implications, and though I’ve written with our Valentine Tea in mind, my hope is

  • to seed ideas in you for cultivating and nurturing your own traditions
  • to open your eyes to the “everyday traditions” you may not yet recognize
  • to realize why they need to be an integral part of your family.

1.  Family super glue

Traditions strengthen and bind families.  Our Valentine Tea brings together the women in our family, particularly important because we don’t live in the same place.  Though there are other times of the year when our guys are welcome, this day is special because it sets aside “girl time” with my sisters-in-law, nieces and a few special friends.  We don’t have the luxury of quantity time; I’m thankful for condensed quality time.

(Except my father-in-law–he’s our Chief Waffle Maker, so we allow him entry…for a little while, anyway.)

2.  Bridging the gap

Traditions don’t see age differences as chasm but they do add depth.  Three generations come together for our annual Tea.  As we sit around a table, younger cousins learn from the older; a grandmother is able to share her heart about what’s most important to her; young (and not-so-young) moms think out loud about parenting, celebrate their children’s successes, share their struggles.

All among people who know them best and love them anyway. 

I say that with a wink, but the truth is, because people are imperfect, families and friendships are imperfect.  It’s good to have reason to get together; holidays often provide the perfect backdrop to share a meal or celebration, mingling the company of those with whom we have shared blood through birth or marriage or faith.

3.  Repetition, Redundancy & Recapitulation

Tradition is like a broken record, spinning the same song over and over and over; its beauty lies in hearing the music, not in being stuck in a rut.  The word “tradition” is derived from the Latin word “traditionem“, meaning “handing over, passing on”.

The structure of our tea has evolved through the years.  In the beginning, it was oriented towards preschoolers:

  • since they attended with their mothers, together, they’d make cards for their daddies
  • they’d construct a simple Valentine’s-related craft (oh, how I loved the Barney Box when my children were younger–glitter and glue all the way, baby!)
  • brunch consisted of heart-shaped PB&Js for the daughters, frosted and sprinkled sugar cookies, strawberry Jello jigglers, Noni’s famous butter mints.  Moms enjoyed a more sophisticated meal, but guess who snacked on the kid stuff, too?

Now, it’s geared more toward “young ladies”:

  • no card-making for the dads any longer
  • no craft making
  • homemade waffles with strawberries and whipped cream has replaced peanut butter and jellies but the butter mints are still found in little bowls just about everywhere

The point is, guests generally know what to expect, though adaptation is made to accommodate age shift.  Some things have been consistent from the beginning:

  • we dress to reflect “special occasion”
  • china, crystal and silver are used, a perfect match to good manners
  • we enjoy a meal that is as pretty to look at as it is good to eat
  • little treats–surcies–are given to each guest; both me and my MIL keep our eyes open year-round to find the “perfect” little gift…sometimes it’s handmade, too

4.  The Heinz Ketchup Effect

Expectancy and repetition translate to eager anticipation for traditions.  When our Christmas decorations are finally deconstructed and stored away in the attic until next year, I know to expect a phone call from Sarah to discuss the date and plans for Valentine Tea.  One of my favorite parts of the tradition is making the invitations; though it’d be easier to have them printed, I can’t bear with losing that personal touch.  Even before they’re mailed, though, there’s an air of excitement about getting together to celebrate; I love watching the little girls play; it’s pure joy to see how they’ve grown from party to party; and I delight in the company of my sweet sisters-in-law and sisters in love more than they’ll ever know.

It’s not just me, either; my sister-in-law told me how excited my niece was about the tea, and my heart absolutely MELTS.

5.  Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em

Tradition for the sake of tradition isn’t very effective.  Doing something just because it has always been done is not enough reason to continue it in the future.  Sandy, on a post at 4 Reluctant Entertainers, recognized that sometimes traditions do little more than add pressure or rob joy from holidays or special occasions.  She recommends considering how you can simplify or modify existing tradition…or when necessary, eliminating ones that no longer serve your family.

In the early years, we invited my daughters’ friends and their mothers to our party; it grew so large, we eventually culled back to make it more a family affair, with the granddaughters inviting only one friend and her mother.  The resulting intimacy has enriched the tea (as opposed to diminishing it due to fewer people).

6.  Now you see it, now you don’t

Traditions are often thought of only in the context of holidays or special occasions; but perhaps the most beautiful are the things you do as a family every day or on a regular basis. 

Recently, I asked a group of high school girls to share their favorite traditions (I believe it was following Thanksgiving).  I was surprised several of them didn’t realize they DO have family traditions.  When the question was posed a bit differently–“What do you always do at Thanksgiving?”–they recognized eating a meal with family, going to visit grandparents…and even a burping contest IS tradition.  It’s what makes their family unique.  

Some Facebook friends chimed in with a few more thoughts:

  • Blake saw how much the little things have mattered to his own children as they’ve gotten older; that it was less about what it was (going to the beach, Sunday dinner after church or Georgia football games) and more about repetitive, meaningful and one day, cherishable, action.
  • Lori pointed out how difficult it was when you lose a family member, to continue with traditions tied to person; establishing new ones can be just as difficult.

In recent years, brunch has begun with my mother-in-law reading from An Invitation to Tea (Teatime Pleasures) by Emilie Barnes, and I think it perfectly concludes my thoughts; I’ve substituted the word “tradition” where Barnes original text mentioned “tea”:

Tradition…

“It’s what happens when women or men or children make a place in their lives for the rituals of sharing.  It’s what happens when we bother with the little extras that feed the soul and nurture the senses and make space for  unhurried conversations.  And when that happens, it doesn’t really matter what [tradition] fills cups or holds the liquid.

It really isn’t the tea tradition.

It’s the spirit of the tea party tradition.”

Tell me about your traditions? I’d love to hear!

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A study of three

Posted by on Feb 17, 2009 | 9 comments

Belleek creamer, sugar bowl & heart-shaped dish
Antique Belleek china, 2009 Valentine Tea Party, Noni's house.
This simple monochromatic grouping is stunning to me.  Delicate,
fragile and luminescent, its beauty is concealed in this:
all three pieces were gifts to my mother-in-law from her best friend,
originally owned by her friend's mother. 

More WW

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Valentine’s Day ~ it’s not about romance, but it IS about love

Posted by on Feb 17, 2009 | 10 comments

 

Valentine Tea Party menu

My husband might be the luckiest man on the planet:  I have no expectation from him on Valentine’s Day.

Never a fan of Hallmark- and Hershey’s-prescribed holidays, while I appreciate a Valentine’s Day greeting, I’m really not interested in him buying me something out of a sense of responsibility or obligation or because culture dictates it.  That being said, annually for the past 14 years, he has given me a wonderful gift–

the freedom to celebrate Valentine’s Day
with the special women in my life–

friends and family and mothers and daughters
at our annual Valentine Tea Party.

I guess I can blame it on my mother-in-law, after all it was her idea; back then, I could never have imagined how much this tradition would eventually mean to me.  There have been years I thought would be my last (like when I was seven months pregnant, suffering from pneumonia, had to reschedule, then dreaded it since Valentine’s Day had passed…), now, I hope to continue this tradition for life.

For fun, I’d love to share a few highlights from this year’s party; click the pictures to embiggen, or in some cases, there’ll be a companion photo linked ~

Valentine Tea Party Invitation

It’s always been a treat to design each year’s invitation, and a challenge to come up with something new and fresh.  I love the simplicity and elegance of this year’s invite.

 

DSC_0388 My mother-in-law, Sarah, began this year’s event like she has for as many years as I can remember:  warmly welcoming our guests and reading the intro from “An Invitation to Tea”.  It sets the perfect stage for the day!

The food–oh, my–it’s absolutely glorious!  Sweet Sarah prepared EVERYTHING because we have to travel five hours to get there!

DSC_0358

Strawberry-Spinach Salad (but it actually has blueberries and other lettuces) with Raspberry Vinaigrette Dressing, sprinkled with toasted pecans.

 

6a00d8341c61d153ef0111686f0ccb970c

Chocolate covered cherries

I applaud Sarah for providing such healthy fare–strawberries and cherries.  She gets a standing ovation, however, for drenching them in chocolate!  My mother-in-law is very wise.

 Waffle with whipped cream and strawberries

Sarah’s Cranberry-Chicken Salad might be the best in the world (shhh!  Don’t tell anyone but the secret ingredient is honey).  Apple muffins were a perfect companion to our brunch.

The younger cousins had the option of homemade waffles with mounds of whipped cream and strawberries; rather than raspberry tea or hot tea most of them chose raspberry lemonade with a cherry cheerfully sinking to the bottom of the glass.

Chocolate roll cake

The chocolate rolled cake with cream filling was almost too pretty to eat.  Almost…I’m not crazy.

 

We spend a fair amount of time encircled around the table, engaged in conversation and laughing a lot.  With preschool and elementary-aged cousins, extending “table time” can be a challenge.  This year magic was woven through reading aloud Tea for Ruby (Paula Wiseman Books) by Duchess Sarah Ferguson.  In a word DARLING! (a must-buy if you have little girls!)  Each person read a page as the book was passed around the table–even the youngest girls were able to pick up the repetition of the words “The Queen”, and they LOVED getting to participate and read with grown-ups!

Tea for Ruby read by Noni Tea for Ruby read by Rachel DSC_0481

There’s so much more to share; if time permits in the coming days, I’ll be sure to tell you more!  (And…please…in the meantime, I’d love to hear YOUR Valentine’s traditions, even if they happen to be of the romantic variety!!)

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